Bonus Ep 53 - Sofa Chats: Dawn Disasters and Dusk Adventures with Charlie & Harry

Dive into a fun chat with Charlie and Harry as they talk about everything from messy morning hair to urgent bathroom runs. Listen to their funny stories, including a nighttime adventure and Harry's new job in telephone triaging.
Jan 26 / Charlie Baxter

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What's this episode about?

Dive into a fun chat with Charlie and Harry as they talk about everything from messy morning hair to urgent bathroom runs. Listen to their funny stories, including a nighttime adventure and Harry's new job in telephone triaging.

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Transcript of Premium Bonus 053- Transcript

Charlie:
Hello and welcome to the British English Podcast. Hoping you are well today. I've got a chat with Harry today and we're going to keep it basic. We're going to go back to the old school sofa chats through outrageously popular demand of all of you. You've been emailing in saying please give us some more sofa chat. So here we are. We're technically not on the sofa, but you can pretend and, uh, yeah, chilling out, just, you know, catching up. How are you, Hazzle?

Harry:
I'm good. Yeah. Good, thanks. Nice to see you. Hello, guys. Uh, nice to nice to be here.

Charlie:
Your nickname.

Harry:
I wanted to ask.

Charlie:
Sorry, your nickname on this platform says Hazzle pops. And that reminds me of what we were about to talk about before I said no, let's save it for natural conversation on the podcast. You've got what you said, bed plops at the moment.

Harry:
Bed plops. Yes. Yeah.

Charlie:
And you're meaning... That sounds very, very odd, doesn't it? So we're we're talking about the hairstyle. Your hair.

Harry:
I haven't, I haven't shat the bed.

Charlie:
No. No

Harry:
Yet.

Charlie:
Yet, well you have, but not today.

Harry:
Yeah. Have I shat the bed before? I don't think I have, actually, no, I have, I have wet the bed before.

Charlie:
Sure.

Harry:
When drunk.

Charlie:
Yeah. I once...

Harry:
You know who hasn't?

Charlie:
Yeah, I once, uh I don't know if I've done that, but I did once. You remember Amy, my flatmate in uni.

Harry:
Yeah.

Charlie:
This is getting into it a bit quick, but, um, I came back very drunk one night and, uh, then woke up in the middle of the night going, uhhh oohh. And, uh, she lived the other side of the corridor from the bathroom from me or she. Her bedroom was there, so I got out of bed, apparently, and I was trying to take down my trousers whilst getting to the bathroom, and she opened the door as she could see me soil my boxers halfway through to the bathroom, and I looked up and we made eye contact and I was like, I'm sorry.

Harry:
She actually saw the moment when you shit yourself?

Charlie:
No, no, no. Pee. Pee pee pee pee.

Harry:
Oh, okay, I see, I see.

Charlie:
Okay, yeah. Sorry, I didn't clarify that. Yeah.

Harry:
No, it's okay because because soil yourself. I guess it can mean both. Both wets your pants, but also poo your pants?

Charlie:
Oh, really? I always thought it was just wee.

Harry:
Oh, really? Maybe that's just in my head.

Charlie:
No, I'll check it.

Harry:
Because, you know, you know, soil like you use for plants. It's quite brown.

Charlie:
Yeah. I think you're right, actually, to lose control of one's bowels and accidentally defecate on oneself. And defecate. That is poo, right? Isn't it?

Harry:
That's poo. Yeah, yeah. So that's why I was imagining you pooing yourself, which I love the idea of. Can we just change the the memory completely? I love the idea of not only shitting yourself on the way to the toilet, but someone seeing the moment that you poo your pants. Like what a moment. That is catching someone at their lowest.

Charlie:
Hopefully. Hopefully that's their lowest. Yeah.

Harry:
Yeah. Amy, I have been lower than this. Don't worry. This is. This is nothing.

Charlie:
Yeah. I'm sorry, but this isn't the lowest. Uh, have you ever been caught, um, with your trousers down your ankles?

Harry:
Ooh. Good question. I thought of the expression there. I will answer that question I think I just got. Sorry. I'm laughing so hard. Mu- A bogey coming out my nose.

Charlie:
I like that you went for the upgraded disgusting word. Mucus.

Harry:
Mucus? Yeah. Uh, no, it's actually on my glasses. I don't know how that got there. It's like a speck. It's not. It's not. It's not bogey. I think it's cereal. I think it's cereal because I was down to the last.

Charlie:
Oh, cereal?

Harry:
Last kind of crumbly bits of cereal, you know, when you haven't got much, uh, uh, muesli or granola left and you're down to, like, the granola flakes.

Charlie:
Yeah. The powder.

Harry:
The powder? Yeah. I had a powdery milk this morning, basically. I so I had, I filled a bowl, half a bowl of, um, uh, granola like powder.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
Basically.

Charlie:
Yummy.

Harry:
And filled it with oat milk and I think maybe a little bit shot up into my, onto my glasses.

Charlie:
Right.

Harry:
Maybe that's what it is. It's that or mucus.

Charlie:
Yeah. Problem is, I mean, it depends which side of the glasses it is. You probably can't see it very well. Depending on which side. I suppose it would be on the outside. So you can see it. Right?

Harry:
I can see it, yeah. Now that I'm focusing on it. Well, I've wiped it away now, but I couldn't distinguish whether it was on my nose or on my glasses.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
But after further inspection, it was indeed on the lens. And I've now wiped it off. And it's okay. And I can continue with what I was. You asked me, have I ever been caught with my trousers down?

Charlie:
Yes.

Harry:
Um, and that's an interesting question. So caught suggesting I was doing something wrong maybe. Or I was like, uh, unexpectedly, someone walked in on me while I was doing something like, maybe where I had my trousers down, like, maybe I was going to the toilet, maybe I was defecating, maybe I was weeing sitting down like you do, and like I do now. I do too. Uh, or maybe I was doing something else naughty, I don't know. Have I been caught? Uh. Don't know, don't know.

Harry:
I have, I have. You?

Charlie:
Oh, dear. Uh, we're gonna move on from that question. And, uh...

Harry:
But I've thought of what I wanted to say, though, um, I've thought of a really good expression. Have you ever been caught short? To be caught short? That's a great one, isn't it?

Charlie:
It is. To be caught short. Yes.

Harry:
You kind of were caught short, but you and you didn't quite make it to the bathroom. So to be caught short, that's when you, you're maybe in public and you need a toilet, you need the toilet. You need to go for a wee. It's more about going for wee a wee isn't it?

Charlie:
It is more about bathroom behaviour. It's it's like when maybe the loo roll runs out and you don't have enough. If, if, if you need more of something like more time to get to the toilet. I was caught short. Um, no, no, not enough toilet paper, I guess. And then you're caught short.

Harry:
That would make sense, wouldn't it?

Charlie:
Or even. But but it could be like, um. Could it be money? Yeah, could be money.

Harry:
It sounds... It's one of those expressions. You could use it in different ways, but going by the dictionary, it says if you are caught short or taken short, you feel a sudden strong need to urinate, especially when you cannot easily find a toilet. So it's kind of I mean, you were kind of caught short, you woke up, you suddenly needed to wee, and you, uh, you didn't make it. You didn't make the journey to the toilet.

Charlie:
Yes. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. So. But can you say. And this is probably. I know where this is going, but for the learner. Uh, Amy can't say I caught you short?

Harry:
No, you can't catch someone short.

Charlie:
No.

Harry:
You can be. You can be caught short.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
I was caught short. But you can't say Amy caught me short. And I weed on her.

Charlie:
But I could see a learner being like, oh, well, I could probably use it like this. So it's good to iron out the creases.

Harry:
Absolutely. Iron them right out, Charlie.

Charlie:
Yes.

Harry:
And as, uh, the podcast, um, host, the head teacher of British English podcast, you are the, um, the chief Ironer.

Charlie:
Chief Ironer.

Harry:
Of creases.

Charlie:
Yes.

Harry:
How does it feel to be Chief Ironer? I think you're quite good with an iron.

Charlie:
I do like to iron. Um...

Harry:
Looking at your tshirt.

Charlie:
Yes, yes, my my tshirts are quite ironed. Um, I have found a fabric that doesn't need too much ironing. So, uh, take that metaphor in any way that you possibly can. And I don't like ironing anything that's not a t shirt, shirt or trouser leg. Anything like Stacey's blouses or weird shaped fashion items. I am, could I say caught short there? No, I can't say caught short. No.

Harry:
Well, unless you weed your... You not you... You're ironing, uh, Stacey's blouse and, um, you were at someone else's house, maybe. And you were caught short. You suddenly needed to go to the toilet very desperately, and you couldn't find the toilet.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
But but actually, you could say I was caught short. Uh, but I managed to. I managed to find the toilet. It doesn't always mean that you weed yourself.

Charlie:
No, it doesn't, or wet yourself, but. Yeah, I can't say. So when I was trying to, uh, make make a comment on the fact that I was unable to do a job satisfactorily. With, um... Um, to be, I think there's a caught something phrase.

Harry:
I was caught off guard.

Charlie:
Um, maybe.

Harry:
I was caught.

Charlie:
Um, wanking.

Harry:
That's the one. I was caught wanking. We got there. Oh, God. I filled a cup with, uh, boiling hot water.

Charlie:
Good.

Harry:
And it's stuck to the table.

Charlie:
Oh, that's. I can imagine that being the end of your MacBook. Like, you try and pull it off and then. Oh.

Harry:
Just sizzling.

Charlie:
Yeah. God, yeah.

Harry:
Sizzling and.

Charlie:
Melting away.

Harry:
Oh, dear.

Charlie:
Anyway, um. Yeah. Are you doing.

Harry:
So anyway, you wet yourself anyway.

Charlie:
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Um, are you doing well today? Minus the bed plops? Oh, we should explain. So.

Harry:
Oh, yeah.

Charlie:
The plops. Yeah, sure. So there's a hairstyle that involves wetting your hair and letting the the water sort of curl your hair naturally by drying in your hair and to sort of relieve the water from your hair, you kind of pat your head when you're upside down. Um, it's called plopping because you can kind of plop your hair like that, like tapping your head like a maniac.

Harry:
Do you? Do you have to do it upside down? Because when I've done this before on myself, I've never done it upside down.

Charlie:
Well, if you do that, if you don't. No, no, you just lean over. I'm not saying do a handstand. Um, but if you don't lean over, then the water just squeezes out down your eyeballs, doesn't it?

Harry:
So you are kind of wringing the hair out of your hair. The wringing the the liquid out of your hair. Are you.

Charlie:
Yeah, but not wringing, like, like, uh, twisting. You're just pushing it against your scalp.

Harry:
Oh, right. So you properly push. Because I know I just do. I kind of just pat my head.

Charlie:
Sure. Right.

Harry:
Yeah. Okay. Maybe I haven't really been plopping correctly.

Charlie:
Mmm, well, this is probably an 11 minute loop round to the word bed plop. But we're still going to do it because it's sofa chats.

Harry:
We're still going to do it.

Charlie:
And you said, I've got a bed plop on or I'm.

Harry:
Yeah.

Charlie:
I'm sporting bed plops today maybe.

Harry:
Um, yeah.

Charlie:
And what does that mean?

Harry:
Um, and what I meant by that is, well, basically I have bed hair. I have a bed head. Yeah, I have bed. So I've got out of bed with hair that is quite. It's quite evident that I have bad bed hair. Looks absolutely horrendous. And I did try to, um, correct to correct it. And thanks for not correcting that it looks horrendous by the way. There was nothing on his face that suggested I was wrong in that statement. That's great. That's only a really good friend will not correct that. I love that.

Charlie:
I was actually going to add, correct, correct. Yeah.

Harry:
It's horrendous. It is. No it's really bad. But I actually tried to correct it. So what I meant was I've tried to style my my bed hair, my bed head.

Charlie:
Mmm. And bed and bed hair. That's a, that's a good phrase. That's I mean bed plop. No one's going to understand that.

Harry:
No, no one.

Charlie:
But bed hair. That is used when you haven't done your hair and you look a mess, you could say, oh, sorry. Sorry for the bed hair.

Harry:
Sorry for the bed hair. Yeah. You turn up for your morning meeting and you look like shit and you say sorry for the bed hair. Pardon the bed hair.

Charlie:
Yeah. Um. But. Yeah. Thank you for gracing me with your presence today. Um. Is...

Harry:
Pleasure.

Charlie:
Are you in a good mood today? Are you feeling up for it?

Harry:
I'm so up for it, Chaz. I'm in a very good mood. I feel good, um, I, I haven't really had much of a morning. I woke up at about half nine, and I slept. I was waking up a lot in the night. Um, and, um, it was because of the cold. It's so cold. And, uh. Yeah, I don't sleep with the with the heating on because I'm wary of the the bills.

Charlie:
Yeah. No. I think that's sensible.

Harry:
Boy. Boy, is it cold. Boy is it cold.

Charlie:
It is cold. I like a cold bedroom. Um. When sleeping.

Harry:
Yeah?

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
Even if, like. Cause, you know, like, maybe a part of the duvet, I guess for you that your, your mattress will probably stay warmer. Um, all over. Because there are two of you in the bed. There's twice the body warmth to keep the mattress warm.

Charlie:
Right.

Harry:
Whereas with my lonely bed, um, any part of the mattress which becomes exposed because the duvet has kind of come to one side exposing the sheet and, uh, and mattress, um, that part of the mattress becomes quite cold and so do the bits of the duvet that are not in use. So as I, as I, um, roll around in, in bed or, you know, go from, from from the left side to the right side to try and find the optimum sleeping position. Uh, I find myself coming across new parts of the mattress which are freezing to touch.

Charlie:
A bit like going swimming in an ocean, and, you know, you're in a warm patch and then suddenly a cold patch.

Harry:
That's a really nice analogy.

Charlie:
Yeah?

Harry:
That is a really nice analogy, I like that.

Charlie:
Ok. Good.

Harry:
Yes.

Charlie:
Yeah. So I feel for you being alone there. Um, although I think I would like to swap because I run hot at night and I flick...

Harry:
*laughs*

Charlie:
I flick the duvet off.

Harry:
I run hot at night. I'd like to swap too, because I run hot at night. And your wife is rather attractive.

Charlie:
Um, yeah. So I have to flick the duvet off my side and she ends up having double duvet, so she probably ends up running hot at night as well. Um, we're all running hot at night.

Harry:
Yes please. Budge over Stacey. I'm coming in.

Charlie:
Um, so, yeah, I just I just have a sheet. Um, last night, she, um, woke me up saying, Charlie!

Harry:
We are talking about Stacey, aren't we?

Charlie:
Yes, yes. Not my other wife. Yeah. Um.

Harry:
Not your mum?

Charlie:
No. He's not my wife. Um, but it is weird now that. I mean, she's technically not a Baxter, my wife, but it is weird to think that she's Mrs. Baxter, just as my mom is, Mrs. Baxter.

Harry:
Mm, but she isn't.

Charlie:
No, she's not, but she will be one day because she wants to have the same name as my child if we have a child.

Harry:
She just doesn't want to have the same name as you.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
I mean, only will I take that bloody name when we have kids.

Charlie:
Actually she came round at, round to it the other the other day. She's like, I think I want to be Baxter now.

Harry:
Ahhh.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
That's good. At last.

Charlie:
And guys, just just in case you're like, outraged that I'm not considering taking her name. We've gone over this a million times, but she's got two brothers. I've got two sisters. My two sisters lost their names, um.

Harry:
In the war?

Charlie:
In the war. And her two brothers have their names. So I was like, well, come on, let's at least let Baxter live on a little bit. Um.

Harry:
Come on. Yeah. Boy power.

Charlie:
We did deliberate. We did deliberate over whether I should be a Benson, because it's quite a cool name, Benson. Charlie Benson.

Harry:
Charlie Benson, it works. It's just as good as. No, no, it's not as good as Charlie Baxter.

Charlie:
Okay.

Harry:
It's pretty good.

Charlie:
Okay. Yeah.

Harry:
Stacy Baxter, Stacy Benson, both of them have a nice ring to them.

Charlie:
Yeah, they're. They're fine.

Harry:
It's not that much of a change.

Charlie:
No, there's not, exactly.

Harry:
And it's nice to have an X in your name. I think it's kind of cool. Baxter. A female baker.

Charlie:
The only thing about that is that people associate it with a dog.

Harry:
Yes, it is quite doglike.

Charlie:
And apparently Charlie is quite doglike.

Harry:
Yeah, I think that's a good name for a dog. Yeah, yeah. Well, you are a dirty dog, aren't you? Yeah.

Charlie:
Um, I was, I was saying last night she woke me up in the middle of the night. Um, not how I would have liked. She was shouting at the window. She was shouting. There's a man with a green hoodie jumping over the fence.

Harry:
What? Ah!

Charlie:
Turns out there was absolutely nothing. She had just imagined it.

Harry:
Was it me? A man in a the green hoodie jumping over a fence? Yeah, it was just a figure of her imagination.

Charlie:
Yeah, it was just the wind. Uh, but but so our little sausage dog is a country dog, and we've taken her to London, so she's quite sensitive to any noises, like the neighbours upstairs or any foxes in the bins or anything like that. She'll be barking her head off in the middle of the night, which I feel really bad about, and we're trying to work out a solution, but at the moment it's just get up as soon as the dog barks and soothe her, and at the same time, Stacey starts to imagine things, and then occasionally she wakes me up saying, there's a man in a green hoodie jumping over the fence.

Harry:
That's so specific though. Does did Stacey get those details from the tone of, um, Poppy's bark or how?

Charlie:
Green hoodie! Hoodie!

Harry:
*dog sounds*

Charlie:
Yeah, I'm not sure I actually said that I was stirring. I was like, how the **** do you know it's green? When I was like, getting out the bed because it's dark. So...

Harry:
Green's a hard one to detect in the dark actually.

Charlie:
Yeah. I didn't believe her. Something was afoot. We could say.

Harry:
Why would you specify. Oh, my God, there's a man in a green hoodie jumping over the fence. Why won't you just say, oh, my God, there's a man jumping over the fence. Why are you specify... She's so into fashion!

Charlie:
Also I feel. Yeah. Also, I don't know if she even knew it was a man.

Harry:
Also. Yeah, she's assuming it's a man. Yeah, I'm offended by that, actually. Yeah.

Charlie:
Very assuming.

Harry:
How about you male listeners? How do you feel that Stacy is assuming that the person jumping over the fence is a male?

Charlie:
Yes. Women can be thieves, too.

Harry:
Absolutely. Probably just as good as men. If they put their mind to it.

Charlie:
Probably better. More nimble.

Harry:
Probably better. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Not going to add any other details to that.

Charlie:
Uh, but yeah. No, it was fine. There was no, um, man jumping over the fence, but it did mean that we were both fully alert and awake at four in the morning and probably couldn't get back to sleep for another couple of hours. So, um, yeah, I woke up at similar at a similar time to you because of that. But I do feel very, very happy or grateful. Grateful that I can wake up at any time and I don't have to get up at 7:00 and do the commute and get into the office before 8.30 or whatever. So I'm very grateful for that. Um, as are you. You have just started a new chapter that I'd like to talk about. Um, does that require you to get in at unsociable hours?

Charlie:
We have come to the end of part one, so feel free to take a break from your listening practice, but if you're happy to keep going, then we're now moving on to part two of this episode. Thanks so much for being a premium or Academy member and enjoy the rest of the show.

Charlie:
Does that require you to get in at unsociable hours?

Harry:
Yeah. Last night I got in at, um, 12.38, approximately mid, like midnight. Half midnight.

Charlie:
Oh! After your shift?

Harry:
After my shift. Yeah. So I worked, yesterday I worked from 4 p.m. until 12.

Charlie:
Right. Okay. So at least you had your day. But still.

Harry:
I had a day. I had a nice day as well. Went out, uh, for for lunch or brunch with my mum. Um, and then just kind of. Why are you laughing at? Brunch with his mum? Loser.

Charlie:
No, no. Just the the the guilt in your tone of like, oh, no, I'm not lying. It was actually brunch. Yes. Wasn't lunch.

Harry:
Oh yeah. Yeah. Don't say it's lunch or breakfast. Yeah. It's got to be brunch. Um. Uh yes it was, it was, it was nice. And then. Well, I'm not going to tell you it wasn't an interesting day, but but yeah, I had so I had time to do something nice in the day. And then I started at four. Um, and my new job is like a half an hour drive away. Um, and. Yeah, yeah, but I quite, I quite like the late drive home because the streets are completely silent, you know, very, very quiet.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
So I can go at whatever pace I want. No one's no one's up my arse or hurrying me along, and the radio is really nice at that time as well.

Charlie:
Oh, I can imagine. Are you a smooth FM?

Harry:
I love the radio these days!

Charlie:
Smooth FM listener?

Harry:
No. I know you're a smooth FM man. I enjoy, uh, sitting in the car listening to smooth F.M. with Chaz. I guess that's where you get some of the your smoothness of, um, presenting from.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
As a as a podcast.

Charlie:
I'm just a bit of a parrot. Yeah, yeah, I try to copy that. Smooth FM. That was actually the first voiceover sort of trailer I tried out on my voiceover...

Harry:
Reel.

Charlie:
Yeah. Profile on a website that does voiceovers. Uh, yeah. That was the first one. You're listening to. Smooth. No, it was jazz. You're listening to Jazz FM.

Harry:
That's great. Did you get anyone? Have you ever had anyone approach to approach you to do, um, like radio, like voiceovers or...

Charlie:
I did

Harry:
Or even be a radio presenter?

Charlie:
I did get a radio gig. It was a, um. Come down to the mini golf at Lanzarote! Lanzarote mini golf.

Harry:
Haha. No really!

Charlie:
I did an advert for a mini golf park or adventure.

Harry:
That's hilarious.

Charlie:
I guess.

Harry:
And was it? Uh. So it was that kind of upbeat, kind of fun. Fun loving, uh, sort of family man.

Charlie:
Yeah. I couldn't quite, um, introduce the smooth jazz into mini golf Lanzarote.

Harry:
Mhm. Yeah.

Charlie:
If anyone is listening from Lanzarote, I may have confused a Canary Island. It may have been a different one. So if you're thinking there's no mini golf here, um, I might be lying, but it was a Canary Island.

Harry:
You've just ruined like six people's holiday plans and their, uh...

Charlie:
I've got, I've got a good place to go, guys. I was listening to a podcast, and this guy did an ad for mini golf in Lanzarote. So we're going there.

Harry:
Two things I love. Tapas and mini golf. Honey? We're going to Lanzarote. Charlie says it's a belter. Yeah, yeah.

Charlie:
Um, so I did that gig, but no, I want to talk about your new chapter of.

Harry:
Okay, but but but but but but but but but but but I, I wonder if they still use that advert. I'd love I'd love to be in Lanzarote and just hear it. It would just be. It would just be amazing.

Charlie:
Oh, potentially another Canary Island. Uh, yes.

Harry:
Or another canary island.

Charlie:
You've got it. Yeah. You've got to go to quite a few on quite a few holidays to check whether this ad was running because of my ambiguity. But yeah I reckon.

Harry:
Were they, did they, were they Spanish, the people that approached you? They wanted an English person doing the voiceover or was it an English person?

Charlie:
I think he was an English person. He had quite a few businesses. He was talking about them quite proudly. Um, and yeah, he was saying, maybe I'll need you in the future. They always did that because I was starting at quite a low price point. They would always be like, do a good job because I've got more work coming your way. And you're like, oh here we go. Yeah, I'll do a good job. And then you never hear from them again.

Harry:
Would you say to them, you know, I also do a very smooth, kind of, uh, jazzy, smooth FM kind of voice, if you're interested. I don't know if you're planning on opening a spa?

Charlie:
Well, I mean, my gig, my my reel, they call it, um, was there. So he had heard my jazz FM, and he had come through. So he knew I had that talent tucked away, ready to exploit whenever he had a spa. But I guess maybe he didn't venture into the spa businesses or business industry. The spa industry?

Harry:
Ah, um, industry. Yeah, if you do.

Charlie:
If you had a mini golf business, what would be the next logical business to look into expanding your empire?

Harry:
Probably just another mini golf on a different island. Just. Just keep it simple. If one thing's working, do more of it.

Charlie:
Right. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's that's sensible. That's. I think you'd go far in the mini golf industry with that. You'd monopolise quite quickly.

Harry:
Exactly. Yeah. Multiply.

Charlie:
Because I think most people sort of go mini golf. Right. Okay. Well we probably get some dodgems and, and maybe some go karts going.

Harry:
Could do. Yeah, yeah. I don't really like dodgems or go karts so I wouldn't go for either of them. Okay. What else would go well next to my mini golf course?

Charlie:
You know, what is an American thing that's coming over here is baseball batting cages.

Harry:
Baseball batting cages.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
No.

Charlie:
Yeah, it's a thing. Now in London, there's quite a few places to go. Harry is rolling his eyes as hard as possible.

Harry:
Well, there's everything. There's everything in London. Doesn't necessarily mean it's going to take off all around the UK.

Charlie:
No, that's true. Baseball batting cages, Bedford.

Harry:
Baa haa. No, that. I guess it's fun, but baseball is just not a sport here. I don't see it ever. If it hasn't taken off in all these years, why is it going to start now? I'm not putting one of them next to my my mini golf course.

Charlie:
What would you put? An ice rink? An outdoor ice rink? It's probably seasonal.

Harry:
I mean not in Lan- in Lanzarote! Scorching heat.

Charlie:
Yeah. The bills on that one. There'll be no profit. Please come to the mini golf because I'm losing money like you wouldn't believe on the ice rink that keeps melting.

Harry:
Charlie never consider moving into this kind of hospitality. Yeah, yeah. Mini golf, ice rink kind of industry. You just stick to podcasting.

Charlie:
Yeah, yeah, I should, um, I feel like there's a really obvious business that's right next to a mini golf.

Harry:
I do. I think just a restaurant or something. Cause you, you don't want people to be like, oh, am I going to go mini golfing or am I going to go on the ice rink? You want it to be like I'm going mini golfing. People know it's there. They, they, that's why they, they've flown to Lanzarote. Yeah. That and, and the possible ice rink. Um and, and then after, after mini golf or before you go for a nice meal.

Charlie:
Yes, yes.

Harry:
Just a cheeky burger or something. Yes. You know, something simple.

Charlie:
I don't know if I've talked about this on the podcast before, but, uh, mini golf makes me think of all of the summer holidays that I went on with my family. And we used to go to the the Canary Islands quite a lot. Gran Canaria was one of them. And, uh, we sussed out, no I was obsessed with Harry Potter. I was reading my book by the pool, and my family wanted to go on a walk to explore the local area, and I said, no, I want to read my book. So I stayed. They all went and came back. They said, we've found a lovely space for dinner. We're going to go to this square, so put on your nice clothes and we'll go over there. And we got out of the taxi and we were greeted by a woman that we thought was, um, in very big high heels. And, uh, she sort of suggested that the entertainment is this way. And we went into this square, and then we started to clock that every single member of staff in the sort of square, um, was actually a drag queen. So we had ended up in the drag queen central of Gran Canaria as a family looking for a little pizza. I mean, it was quite entertaining.

Harry:
That's hilarious.

Charlie:
But we're, you know, such a straight-laced, bloody family that it was so far from what their clientele probably would be.

Harry:
What did your dad think?

Charlie:
Well, my dad has this thing when he's in Spain and he's trying to. I know it's not Spain, an island, but when he's in a Spanish speaking area, he tries on his Spanish in the restaurant, but he has this sort of nervous tic where he fiddles with his top button. Yes, yes, gracias, uh, um, por favour. Um, el baño and. And my God, his tic of scratching that button was just off the charts with this drag queen.

Harry:
Oh, at least he wasn't fiddling with anything else.

Charlie:
No. Yeah, that's very good, very good.

Harry:
Oh, dear. Oh, that is so good. I don't know if I've seen your dad's tic in action of the fiddling with the top button, but it seems like a I can imagine him doing it, I really can.

Charlie:
It is. It is very specific towards a foreign language. I don't see it.

Harry:
Right.

Charlie:
You know, if he's complaining about something in a restaurant in English, he won't. He won't do that. If anything, he's quite comfortable with that.

Harry:
Complaining.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
Well you've got to get it from somewhere. Haha. Yeah. Cos your mum. I can't imagine your mum's much of a complainer.

Charlie:
No, actually I went to celebrate my dad's birthday yesterday at a Pizza Express and, uh, he no my mum told me that they went for lunch at the Drift Golf Club because, um, that's where my dad was a captain. This is so funny as well. So the Pizza Express waiter. Sorry to go on and on about my dad, but, um, the Pizza Express waiter, um, mentioned that he played golf, and my brother in law is a professional golfer at a very prestigious golf club. And my dad always likes to bring it up. And he's. Oh, yes. Andy, have you met Andy? He plays. He's a professional at Wisley. And then, uh, he said, oh, right. Nice. Yeah. I was a member at the Drift and you could see my dad's eyes lit up. Oh, really? Oh, okay. Well, he was like, how when were you there? When were you a member? And then he was saying, oh, um, before I say this, he was a captain at one point, and being the captain of a golf club, you know, you will never hear the end of it with him. And, uh, this guy said, oh, I was there for six months. I can't remember who the captain was at the time. And he said, oh, was it Jeremy? Was it, was it Andy? Was it John? And I could just tell that he wanted to say I was a captain there once, too.

Harry:
Was it me? Yes. It was me, wasn't it?

Charlie:
So my mum and my dad went to the Drift Golf Club for lunch on my dad's birthday. Of course, that's where he goes. Yeah. My birthday. Yes. Um, and they ordered a sandwich, and my mum's sandwich was terrible. Like, the bread was apparently incredibly dry and they had to send it back.

Harry:
Wow.

Charlie:
But my mum was the one that even was like, no, this is not acceptable. I will not eat this. I'd prefer to go hungry. I wouldn't, I wouldn't eat that. Yeah. So my dad complained.

Harry:
Oh bless her. Uh, so she sent she sent it back.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
But your dad complained on her behalf or.

Charlie:
Yes. Yes, yes.

Harry:
Okay, okay.

Charlie:
Of course. Yeah. Of course.

Harry:
Fair enough. Yeah.

Charlie:
Uh, but where were we? Uh, well.

Harry:
I had some prawns the other day.

Charlie:
Oh, yeah.

Harry:
And they were send-back-able like they were bad. They were really bad. We were sharing them between four of us. And I said, these are. We all agreed quietly that they were awful.

Charlie:
Right.

Harry:
Um, and normally this pub does really nice food and it's quite expensive and the prawns are really expensive. And I said, let's send them back and say they're just. Yeah, they're really not nice.

Charlie:
What's wrong with them?

Harry:
They were still frozen. The flavour was awful. They were bad quality. Like, it's just not ah, it was just they were just awful. It was just they looked sweaty and like just it was just nasty, man. They were drowned in this sauce. Like it wasn't nice. It was supposed to be this, um, Spanish style, Spanish style prawns, which are, you know, kind of garlicky sauce. Um, it was just horrendous. They were terrible. Inedible.

Charlie:
Because it's, it's quite hard with the, with the giving back or sending back. Um, it's quite subjective if there's not a a, you know, an obvious these are off. These are literally inedible.

Harry:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was more that they'd been really badly prepared and it was just, I don't know, like they got the dish wrong or something. Normally the food's really good, but this one was just horrendous. And we all agreed that. But my three, um, my, my two cousins and my sister, who I was with, they were like, oh, don't say anything. And I was like, really? So it made it awkward for me because I really wanted to send them back. And, and I ended up saying, yeah, the prawns aren't very nice, but but the others were like, it's okay, it's okay. And it was just it was awkward. And then the bill came at the end, they were still on the bill and it was made out like it was our issue. And it really, really it was quite annoying. Yeah.

Charlie:
Yeah that's interesting. Culturally that's probably quite different around the world, isn't it? Um, definitely. It's probably quite common in the UK to have one person out of four feeling comfortable, and then the others are like, no don't say anything!

Harry:
Definitely, yeah, we're bad. We're bad at complaining, aren't we?

Charlie:
Yeah, but there is the odd one that is slightly ready to. So it does.

Harry:
Absolutely.

Charlie:
It does create a sort of, um, unpleasant social experience.

Harry:
It does, it does. Yeah. It's an awkward it's another awkward, uh, point about British people I think.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
On the whole, yeah, it's hard to complain, but it's important. It's important to complain. Otherwise these restaurants and the chefs, they're not going to improve. And then the, uh, tourists that come here, travellers, they'll say the they'll continue to say the food in England is terrible.

Charlie:
Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, I totally agree.

Charlie:
We have come to the end of part two now. So again, feel free to pause the episode, to take a break from your listening practice and come back to the last part when you're ready. Alright. So moving on to part three now. Enjoy.

Charlie:
Totally agree. It's good to put them straight. Um, so you had some bad prawns. My mum had a bad sandwich.

Harry:
Awful.

Charlie:
Um, but I want to go back to a bit more of a real topic of your new job.

Harry:
Sure.

Charlie:
You did a shift from four until midnight. Um, can you tell us what your job is?

Harry:
Yes. Yeah. So it is telephone triaging. So if you've got a an ailment, you've got some kind of symptom that you're worried about. You call them up. Uh, this this telephone triaging service, and they ask you a series of questions, or we ask you a series of questions to assess your symptoms, and then we direct you towards the most appropriate service that can help you.

Charlie:
I've I've not really come across that word much. I have seen it or heard it and never used it. Triaging.

Harry:
Uh, yeah. Yeah, it can be a verb. Um, and then it can be a noun. A triage. To triage is to assess someone's, uh, symptoms. It's normally like an initial assessment. So if you go into A&E.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
They, they will triage you. There might be a triaging, uh, nurse and they will. Yeah. Ask you some questions to, to check your kind of vital signs and make sure you are okay. To rule out anything life threatening is the first thing they do. And then they'll ask you more questions to find out, you know, what is the issue.

Charlie:
Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So are you... So you're doing that. You've been doing the training. I knew that. And you're starting to come away from that. You're starting to take your own calls. Are there people quite close to you that are doing the same role? Can you overhear each other?

Harry:
Yeah.

Charlie:
Is there sort of.

Harry:
You can, but it's quite a spacious office, so it's not like it's not like you're talking over each other and it's not distracting. And once you're on a call, you're very kind of like focused on that, that call. But yeah, I was worried about that at first because I thought, oh, I'm going to hear other people asking the same questions and stuff, or it's going to be off-putting, hearing other people so close to me. But no, it's absolutely fine and it's quite spacious. So yeah, it's alright. But yeah, I've um, I had some training to, to learn the, this system, the triaging software, um, and to learn how to take calls and handle different scenarios and to identify different symptoms and life threatening illnesses. And then, um, then I had I had to do eight coaching shifts where they are plugged in and they're listening in to the calls that I'm taking, and they're basically there to hold my hand and to help me. Yeah. When, um, whenever I, uh, don't know what to do. And then for the last two shifts, I'm unplugged. So I have a coach there, like sitting close. Close ish. Um, and I can call in to them for assistance. So it kind of simulates how it how it really is. You're solo, you're on your own, but you have team leaders around and clinicians who can help you.

Charlie:
And you've got all sorts of people calling in from, you know, saying, I've got a cold to saying I want to kill myself?

Harry:
Ha ha ha. I'm not laughing at suicidal ideation, guys. But yeah.

Charlie:
Imagine if that was your response.

Harry:
It's the way Charlie say... yeah, yeah. Um. It's the way Charlie tends to. I want to kill myself. Yeah. Um, yeah. So. Yeah, yeah, you get a broad, um, variety of of calls, which makes it really interesting because you don't know what you're going to get, which also is quite daunting because, like my first call, I'm like, what the hell am I gonna get? But you settle into it after a couple. But at the start of the shift, I'm often quite nervous thinking I have no idea. It's often my first call of the shift. That's like the weirdest one. Or that ends up going on forever. Um, so. And yeah, yesterday I had a, I had one that went on for ages. Um, but it was, it was fine. And yeah. So you get a real massive...

Charlie:
In the training. Do they say you're not allowed to talk about it with the outside world?

Harry:
That's good. My mum asked me that the other day because she works for, um, or she worked for Samaritans as a volunteer for a long time, and they have to sign a kind of confidential, a confidentiality agreement. I think with us, we're not allowed to talk about, you know, patient details or anything like that. But I think I feel like we're allowed to talk about, you know, the general nature of calls and things like that. We. Yeah. Yeah. There's not been a thing about about about about that.

Charlie:
Right. Yeah.

Harry:
But yeah, it's not like I have been sharing a lot of details but you know. Yeah. Yeah.

Charlie:
So, um, the average caller, would you say it's just, you know, I've got a fungus on my foot. I don't know what to do.

Harry:
Yeah. Here, we've got, um, an absolute epidemic of foot fungus. Guys, just so you know, bad food, foot fungus and terrible teeth.

Charlie:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've got bad teeth. What do I do? Go back ten years and have braces.

Harry:
Go to Turkey.

Charlie:
Yes.

Harry:
Or Germany, where they have good dental hygiene. Um, you've got bloody good teeth, though, haven't you?

Charlie:
I've got alright teeth, but one is slipping out. And oh.

Harry:
Oh, I see.

Charlie:
And, um, I was actually I went to the dentist for the first time. No, the hygienist, which is even grosser.

Harry:
Oh, the hygienist.

Charlie:
In the in about seven years, because I've been abroad, I haven't actually found a dentist outside in those countries. I went.

Harry:
And what did they say about your teeth?

Charlie:
And they said, um, you need one filling. So I'm devastated. This is my first filling.

Harry:
Ever. Ever. No way. Wow. You've got very good dental hygiene.

Charlie:
Yeah, I think I do. I do clean them properly. Um, but now I do the little stick in between the teeth.

Harry:
Oh.

Charlie:
What is that gross to talk about? I think that's clean.

Harry:
No, it's not gross. No no no, no, I'm. I'm wincing at the, um, what I imagine to be the discomfort of putting a stick between your teeth. I mean, I floss every day. Yeah. And, um, I'm quite proud of.

Charlie:
The dance move or?

Harry:
Yeah. Just the dance move.

Charlie:
Imagine if I'm in the bathroom and you did that dance move.

Harry:
I'm flossing everyone! Uh, but, uh, I've never done that. It just looks like quite a thick thing to put between your teeth.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
What do they call it? A dental stick?

Charlie:
Yeah, I think maybe, um, it. So they come in different sizes. You work your way up, you go really thin at the beginning.

Harry:
Um, it's like a... it's like a vibrator.

Charlie:
Sure. Do they come in different sizes? Yeah. Of course. They come in different sizes.

Harry:
I'm just. Yeah. I was making an analogy because you made a really good analogy earlier about my mattress. Cold bits of the mattress being a bit like the cold bits of the sea when you're swimming. So I thought I'd try to, you know, bring something to this episode with an analogy of my own.

Charlie:
It's a beautiful one and ended well listing vocabulary that you couldn't think of that was even dirtier than the word dildo. Yeah. Um, yeah. So it's just like that. Putting a dildo in between your teeth and then going.

Harry:
But you're gradually, gradually working up.

Charlie:
Yeah. Gradually working up to bigger, thicker dildos. But actually, I think that really has helped my mouth, my dental hygiene. Putting a dildo in it.

Harry:
That's good. That's good. Uh. That's good. I'm glad to hear it. But anyway. So. So. Yeah. If you ever find yourself with problems, um, dental, a dental emergency. Um, for example.

Charlie:
Would I be ringing you?

Harry:
And you could call up. You could call up 111. I don't think I cover your area because I'm...

Charlie:
No, no, but. Okay, so aside from the region, if I did get a dental stick stuck in my teeth and it was causing a medical emergency, would I ring your number?

Harry:
Absolutely. Yeah. You've got a foreign body trapped in your between your teeth. Yeah.

Charlie:
Nice. Nice. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. Training's worked. Um, so what would the what would the calling system be like? What would be the first question? Are you trying to commit suicide?

Harry:
Are you bleeding heavily?

Charlie:
Oh really?

Harry:
Uh, have you been bleeding? Have you lost any blood? Have you lost any blood?

Charlie:
Yes. Yes, I've lost some blood. Yes.

Harry:
Okay. Have you been bleeding heavily for the last two hours?

Charlie:
Uh, not heavily, but for the last hour and a half, I've been seeping blood from my mouth.

Harry:
Okay, so get a no to that. And then, um, the skin on your chest, back or abdomen, does it feel a normal temperature when touched?

Charlie:
Wow.

Harry:
This is to rule out, um, shock. When, uh, when all the blood rushes to your organs and it leaves your skin all white and clammy, and it's very dangerous. Can be life threatening.

Charlie:
This is fascinating. Uh, I'm going to say no to that.

Harry:
No. What temp is it? Is it is it does it feel normal to touch?

Charlie:
Fairly normal. Yeah. Yeah. Now that I'm putting my hand on it, it feels hotter. But. Yeah. Okay.

Harry:
I was just, I was, I was trying to find my microphone there for the, my headset at work. I was like oh where's where's my.

Charlie:
Oh wow.

Harry:
Because sometimes because when I'm not on a call I have it up here.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
Then I and then I bring it down and I was looking for it. I was like, where is it? Um, I'm trying to rule out shock.

Charlie:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Harry:
It's interesting. Yeah. So that's what, that's what. That's what they do after that question. Um...

Charlie:
Please hang up.

Harry:
There's, there are some questions that are like inferred. So like you, uh, like this one is, um, are they fighting desperately for every breath? If I'm talking to you. And you're talking fine. And it's quite obvious. And I'd say. Are you fighting desperately for every breath?

Charlie:
Yes, yes I see. Yeah. Are they fighting? Yeah, yeah. But I suppose if I've got a stick in my mouth, I'd be like, no, I can't feel my mouth.

Harry:
Ah. Oh I might say you... *laughs* I've got a stick in my mouth! I can't feel my mouth. Well can you feel the stick? I might say. How's how's your breathing? You breathing okay? I mean, you've been able to give me all your details and talk to me through the stick, so I'd probably assume that you can breathe.

Charlie:
Yeah, but I would. Yeah, but I, I can't breathe through my mouth.

Harry:
Breathe through your nose then you turd.

Charlie:
I would like to make an official complaint. This man has been abusing me throughout this whole call. Very rude. Um, would you say that you are very respectful all the way through your?

Harry:
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I pride myself on my, um, uh, politeness.

Charlie:
Nice.

Harry:
Absolutely.

Charlie:
Overall, though, would you say you're enjoying the whole job?

Harry:
I am actually.

Charlie:
New experience.

Harry:
Yeah, I am enjoying the job. Yeah, it's really good. It's, uh, it's developing my tolerance to, um, you know, cringeworthy people around me as well, you know, because some of the people I'm working with, you know, are very annoying. And so it's, I feel like I'm working on my, yeah, tolerance to those kinds of people and just being.

Charlie:
Because we have been shut away from the office.

Harry:
Oh my God.

Charlie:
Um, water cooler lingerers.

Harry:
Yeah.

Charlie:
Haven't we.

Harry:
Massively.

Charlie:
We haven't had that for about eight years.

Harry:
And the public. Like I'm having to take calls from the public, which are just. And some of the things they say are just ridiculous and like it's. Yeah, it's good to be. I feel like I'm in contact with the world again. And so it's, it's yeah, it's good and yeah, it's. Yeah. Like the, the office environment I like I do actually like it. The people are really nice. They're just sometimes, I find myself really cringing at the things that people say, um, especially when people are like in senior positions and they it goes to their head and it's like, it's so embarrassing, like, come on, get over yourself. Um, and so but yeah, it's good. It's good practice. I feel like and it's interesting. It's nice to do something different. It's nice to be going somewhere for work. It's nice to be meeting new people. Um, and to. Yeah, it's just nice to have variety. It's really nice teaching still, uh, but I'm enjoying doing something else at the same time.

Charlie:
Definitely. Yeah. And to, to clarify, for uh, listeners who do enjoy your teaching and career, so you're teaching is at the same time as doing that and building up your sort of, uh, volunteer work because you like the idea of facilitating sort of psychological, um, workshops or CBT, that kind of thing. That might be something that you're working on in the future. And they say you need to do volunteer work. So that's that's kind of the decision that you've taken, right?

Harry:
Deffo. Yeah. Volunteer work. And yeah, the NHS stuff is, is, um, you know, a paid job, but yeah, I'm I. I'm working with a charity which I absolutely despise. Um, so I'm going to be leaving them because it's just a total waste of my time. And I just the guy who leads it, I can't stand him. So I don't believe in anything he is, uh, preaching. Sorry.

Charlie:
Would you believe it, guys? Would you believe it? This is. This episode is not sponsored by that charity.

Harry:
Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Charlie:
Well, we don't need to label that or, you know, let people know which charity you're talking about.

Harry:
No.

Charlie:
Um, but. Yeah. Okay. Well, we will probably end it there because otherwise the transcription will be never ending.

Harry:
Good grief.

Charlie:
Um, so thank you very much for joining me on an episode of Sofa Chats.

Harry:
Thank you. It's been fun. It's been really fun.

Charlie:
Really fun. Um, have a good day. Need to get you down into our new flat.

Harry:
I'd like to come down. Yeah, let's do it soon. I don't know, I don't know what my shifts are this week, but, um, I don't know if you have plans at the weekend.

Charlie:
This weekend is rather mental, because, um, Stacey's birthday is upon us.

Harry:
Oh is it? Are you doing something for Stacey's birthday?

Charlie:
Yeah. God, we've got a whole plan. We've got a week of entertainment lined up.

Harry:
A week!

Charlie:
I can't a whole week. I can't really say much more, but, um.

Harry:
Wow.

Charlie:
Yeah, yeah, a lot is happening.

Harry:
Okay. Nice.

Charlie:
Can't wait. Obviously.

Harry:
Is Stacey in at the moment?

Charlie:
She is.

Harry:
What is she up to? She working?

Charlie:
She's working. Yeah. She's working harder than ever because she's got a week of, uh, no work coming up, so she needs to double down.

Harry:
Yeah. Can we say knuckle down?

Charlie:
Knuckle down. That one.

Harry:
Double down. That's a phrase. Okay.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
Okay.

Charlie:
Anyway, nice. Much love. Yeah. I'll speak to you soon. Alright, man, and thank you very much. Thank you. Bye bye, guys.

Harry:
Take care.

Charlie:
There we go. The end of part three. Meaning the end of the episode. Well done for getting through the entirety of it. Make sure you use all of the resources available to you in your membership. Thanks once again for supporting the show and I look forward to seeing you next time on the British English Podcast.

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Transcript of Premium Bonus 053- Transcript

Charlie:
Hello and welcome to the British English Podcast. Hoping you are well today. I've got a chat with Harry today and we're going to keep it basic. We're going to go back to the old school sofa chats through outrageously popular demand of all of you. You've been emailing in saying please give us some more sofa chat. So here we are. We're technically not on the sofa, but you can pretend and, uh, yeah, chilling out, just, you know, catching up. How are you, Hazzle?

Harry:
I'm good. Yeah. Good, thanks. Nice to see you. Hello, guys. Uh, nice to nice to be here.

Charlie:
Your nickname.

Harry:
I wanted to ask.

Charlie:
Sorry, your nickname on this platform says Hazzle pops. And that reminds me of what we were about to talk about before I said no, let's save it for natural conversation on the podcast. You've got what you said, bed plops at the moment.

Harry:
Bed plops. Yes. Yeah.

Charlie:
And you're meaning... That sounds very, very odd, doesn't it? So we're we're talking about the hairstyle. Your hair.

Harry:
I haven't, I haven't shat the bed.

Charlie:
No. No

Harry:
Yet.

Charlie:
Yet, well you have, but not today.

Harry:
Yeah. Have I shat the bed before? I don't think I have, actually, no, I have, I have wet the bed before.

Charlie:
Sure.

Harry:
When drunk.

Charlie:
Yeah. I once...

Harry:
You know who hasn't?

Charlie:
Yeah, I once, uh I don't know if I've done that, but I did once. You remember Amy, my flatmate in uni.

Harry:
Yeah.

Charlie:
This is getting into it a bit quick, but, um, I came back very drunk one night and, uh, then woke up in the middle of the night going, uhhh oohh. And, uh, she lived the other side of the corridor from the bathroom from me or she. Her bedroom was there, so I got out of bed, apparently, and I was trying to take down my trousers whilst getting to the bathroom, and she opened the door as she could see me soil my boxers halfway through to the bathroom, and I looked up and we made eye contact and I was like, I'm sorry.

Harry:
She actually saw the moment when you shit yourself?

Charlie:
No, no, no. Pee. Pee pee pee pee.

Harry:
Oh, okay, I see, I see.

Charlie:
Okay, yeah. Sorry, I didn't clarify that. Yeah.

Harry:
No, it's okay because because soil yourself. I guess it can mean both. Both wets your pants, but also poo your pants?

Charlie:
Oh, really? I always thought it was just wee.

Harry:
Oh, really? Maybe that's just in my head.

Charlie:
No, I'll check it.

Harry:
Because, you know, you know, soil like you use for plants. It's quite brown.

Charlie:
Yeah. I think you're right, actually, to lose control of one's bowels and accidentally defecate on oneself. And defecate. That is poo, right? Isn't it?

Harry:
That's poo. Yeah, yeah. So that's why I was imagining you pooing yourself, which I love the idea of. Can we just change the the memory completely? I love the idea of not only shitting yourself on the way to the toilet, but someone seeing the moment that you poo your pants. Like what a moment. That is catching someone at their lowest.

Charlie:
Hopefully. Hopefully that's their lowest. Yeah.

Harry:
Yeah. Amy, I have been lower than this. Don't worry. This is. This is nothing.

Charlie:
Yeah. I'm sorry, but this isn't the lowest. Uh, have you ever been caught, um, with your trousers down your ankles?

Harry:
Ooh. Good question. I thought of the expression there. I will answer that question I think I just got. Sorry. I'm laughing so hard. Mu- A bogey coming out my nose.

Charlie:
I like that you went for the upgraded disgusting word. Mucus.

Harry:
Mucus? Yeah. Uh, no, it's actually on my glasses. I don't know how that got there. It's like a speck. It's not. It's not. It's not bogey. I think it's cereal. I think it's cereal because I was down to the last.

Charlie:
Oh, cereal?

Harry:
Last kind of crumbly bits of cereal, you know, when you haven't got much, uh, uh, muesli or granola left and you're down to, like, the granola flakes.

Charlie:
Yeah. The powder.

Harry:
The powder? Yeah. I had a powdery milk this morning, basically. I so I had, I filled a bowl, half a bowl of, um, uh, granola like powder.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
Basically.

Charlie:
Yummy.

Harry:
And filled it with oat milk and I think maybe a little bit shot up into my, onto my glasses.

Charlie:
Right.

Harry:
Maybe that's what it is. It's that or mucus.

Charlie:
Yeah. Problem is, I mean, it depends which side of the glasses it is. You probably can't see it very well. Depending on which side. I suppose it would be on the outside. So you can see it. Right?

Harry:
I can see it, yeah. Now that I'm focusing on it. Well, I've wiped it away now, but I couldn't distinguish whether it was on my nose or on my glasses.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
But after further inspection, it was indeed on the lens. And I've now wiped it off. And it's okay. And I can continue with what I was. You asked me, have I ever been caught with my trousers down?

Charlie:
Yes.

Harry:
Um, and that's an interesting question. So caught suggesting I was doing something wrong maybe. Or I was like, uh, unexpectedly, someone walked in on me while I was doing something like, maybe where I had my trousers down, like, maybe I was going to the toilet, maybe I was defecating, maybe I was weeing sitting down like you do, and like I do now. I do too. Uh, or maybe I was doing something else naughty, I don't know. Have I been caught? Uh. Don't know, don't know.

Harry:
I have, I have. You?

Charlie:
Oh, dear. Uh, we're gonna move on from that question. And, uh...

Harry:
But I've thought of what I wanted to say, though, um, I've thought of a really good expression. Have you ever been caught short? To be caught short? That's a great one, isn't it?

Charlie:
It is. To be caught short. Yes.

Harry:
You kind of were caught short, but you and you didn't quite make it to the bathroom. So to be caught short, that's when you, you're maybe in public and you need a toilet, you need the toilet. You need to go for a wee. It's more about going for wee a wee isn't it?

Charlie:
It is more about bathroom behaviour. It's it's like when maybe the loo roll runs out and you don't have enough. If, if, if you need more of something like more time to get to the toilet. I was caught short. Um, no, no, not enough toilet paper, I guess. And then you're caught short.

Harry:
That would make sense, wouldn't it?

Charlie:
Or even. But but it could be like, um. Could it be money? Yeah, could be money.

Harry:
It sounds... It's one of those expressions. You could use it in different ways, but going by the dictionary, it says if you are caught short or taken short, you feel a sudden strong need to urinate, especially when you cannot easily find a toilet. So it's kind of I mean, you were kind of caught short, you woke up, you suddenly needed to wee, and you, uh, you didn't make it. You didn't make the journey to the toilet.

Charlie:
Yes. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. So. But can you say. And this is probably. I know where this is going, but for the learner. Uh, Amy can't say I caught you short?

Harry:
No, you can't catch someone short.

Charlie:
No.

Harry:
You can be. You can be caught short.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
I was caught short. But you can't say Amy caught me short. And I weed on her.

Charlie:
But I could see a learner being like, oh, well, I could probably use it like this. So it's good to iron out the creases.

Harry:
Absolutely. Iron them right out, Charlie.

Charlie:
Yes.

Harry:
And as, uh, the podcast, um, host, the head teacher of British English podcast, you are the, um, the chief Ironer.

Charlie:
Chief Ironer.

Harry:
Of creases.

Charlie:
Yes.

Harry:
How does it feel to be Chief Ironer? I think you're quite good with an iron.

Charlie:
I do like to iron. Um...

Harry:
Looking at your tshirt.

Charlie:
Yes, yes, my my tshirts are quite ironed. Um, I have found a fabric that doesn't need too much ironing. So, uh, take that metaphor in any way that you possibly can. And I don't like ironing anything that's not a t shirt, shirt or trouser leg. Anything like Stacey's blouses or weird shaped fashion items. I am, could I say caught short there? No, I can't say caught short. No.

Harry:
Well, unless you weed your... You not you... You're ironing, uh, Stacey's blouse and, um, you were at someone else's house, maybe. And you were caught short. You suddenly needed to go to the toilet very desperately, and you couldn't find the toilet.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
But but actually, you could say I was caught short. Uh, but I managed to. I managed to find the toilet. It doesn't always mean that you weed yourself.

Charlie:
No, it doesn't, or wet yourself, but. Yeah, I can't say. So when I was trying to, uh, make make a comment on the fact that I was unable to do a job satisfactorily. With, um... Um, to be, I think there's a caught something phrase.

Harry:
I was caught off guard.

Charlie:
Um, maybe.

Harry:
I was caught.

Charlie:
Um, wanking.

Harry:
That's the one. I was caught wanking. We got there. Oh, God. I filled a cup with, uh, boiling hot water.

Charlie:
Good.

Harry:
And it's stuck to the table.

Charlie:
Oh, that's. I can imagine that being the end of your MacBook. Like, you try and pull it off and then. Oh.

Harry:
Just sizzling.

Charlie:
Yeah. God, yeah.

Harry:
Sizzling and.

Charlie:
Melting away.

Harry:
Oh, dear.

Charlie:
Anyway, um. Yeah. Are you doing.

Harry:
So anyway, you wet yourself anyway.

Charlie:
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Um, are you doing well today? Minus the bed plops? Oh, we should explain. So.

Harry:
Oh, yeah.

Charlie:
The plops. Yeah, sure. So there's a hairstyle that involves wetting your hair and letting the the water sort of curl your hair naturally by drying in your hair and to sort of relieve the water from your hair, you kind of pat your head when you're upside down. Um, it's called plopping because you can kind of plop your hair like that, like tapping your head like a maniac.

Harry:
Do you? Do you have to do it upside down? Because when I've done this before on myself, I've never done it upside down.

Charlie:
Well, if you do that, if you don't. No, no, you just lean over. I'm not saying do a handstand. Um, but if you don't lean over, then the water just squeezes out down your eyeballs, doesn't it?

Harry:
So you are kind of wringing the hair out of your hair. The wringing the the liquid out of your hair. Are you.

Charlie:
Yeah, but not wringing, like, like, uh, twisting. You're just pushing it against your scalp.

Harry:
Oh, right. So you properly push. Because I know I just do. I kind of just pat my head.

Charlie:
Sure. Right.

Harry:
Yeah. Okay. Maybe I haven't really been plopping correctly.

Charlie:
Mmm, well, this is probably an 11 minute loop round to the word bed plop. But we're still going to do it because it's sofa chats.

Harry:
We're still going to do it.

Charlie:
And you said, I've got a bed plop on or I'm.

Harry:
Yeah.

Charlie:
I'm sporting bed plops today maybe.

Harry:
Um, yeah.

Charlie:
And what does that mean?

Harry:
Um, and what I meant by that is, well, basically I have bed hair. I have a bed head. Yeah, I have bed. So I've got out of bed with hair that is quite. It's quite evident that I have bad bed hair. Looks absolutely horrendous. And I did try to, um, correct to correct it. And thanks for not correcting that it looks horrendous by the way. There was nothing on his face that suggested I was wrong in that statement. That's great. That's only a really good friend will not correct that. I love that.

Charlie:
I was actually going to add, correct, correct. Yeah.

Harry:
It's horrendous. It is. No it's really bad. But I actually tried to correct it. So what I meant was I've tried to style my my bed hair, my bed head.

Charlie:
Mmm. And bed and bed hair. That's a, that's a good phrase. That's I mean bed plop. No one's going to understand that.

Harry:
No, no one.

Charlie:
But bed hair. That is used when you haven't done your hair and you look a mess, you could say, oh, sorry. Sorry for the bed hair.

Harry:
Sorry for the bed hair. Yeah. You turn up for your morning meeting and you look like shit and you say sorry for the bed hair. Pardon the bed hair.

Charlie:
Yeah. Um. But. Yeah. Thank you for gracing me with your presence today. Um. Is...

Harry:
Pleasure.

Charlie:
Are you in a good mood today? Are you feeling up for it?

Harry:
I'm so up for it, Chaz. I'm in a very good mood. I feel good, um, I, I haven't really had much of a morning. I woke up at about half nine, and I slept. I was waking up a lot in the night. Um, and, um, it was because of the cold. It's so cold. And, uh. Yeah, I don't sleep with the with the heating on because I'm wary of the the bills.

Charlie:
Yeah. No. I think that's sensible.

Harry:
Boy. Boy, is it cold. Boy is it cold.

Charlie:
It is cold. I like a cold bedroom. Um. When sleeping.

Harry:
Yeah?

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
Even if, like. Cause, you know, like, maybe a part of the duvet, I guess for you that your, your mattress will probably stay warmer. Um, all over. Because there are two of you in the bed. There's twice the body warmth to keep the mattress warm.

Charlie:
Right.

Harry:
Whereas with my lonely bed, um, any part of the mattress which becomes exposed because the duvet has kind of come to one side exposing the sheet and, uh, and mattress, um, that part of the mattress becomes quite cold and so do the bits of the duvet that are not in use. So as I, as I, um, roll around in, in bed or, you know, go from, from from the left side to the right side to try and find the optimum sleeping position. Uh, I find myself coming across new parts of the mattress which are freezing to touch.

Charlie:
A bit like going swimming in an ocean, and, you know, you're in a warm patch and then suddenly a cold patch.

Harry:
That's a really nice analogy.

Charlie:
Yeah?

Harry:
That is a really nice analogy, I like that.

Charlie:
Ok. Good.

Harry:
Yes.

Charlie:
Yeah. So I feel for you being alone there. Um, although I think I would like to swap because I run hot at night and I flick...

Harry:
*laughs*

Charlie:
I flick the duvet off.

Harry:
I run hot at night. I'd like to swap too, because I run hot at night. And your wife is rather attractive.

Charlie:
Um, yeah. So I have to flick the duvet off my side and she ends up having double duvet, so she probably ends up running hot at night as well. Um, we're all running hot at night.

Harry:
Yes please. Budge over Stacey. I'm coming in.

Charlie:
Um, so, yeah, I just I just have a sheet. Um, last night, she, um, woke me up saying, Charlie!

Harry:
We are talking about Stacey, aren't we?

Charlie:
Yes, yes. Not my other wife. Yeah. Um.

Harry:
Not your mum?

Charlie:
No. He's not my wife. Um, but it is weird now that. I mean, she's technically not a Baxter, my wife, but it is weird to think that she's Mrs. Baxter, just as my mom is, Mrs. Baxter.

Harry:
Mm, but she isn't.

Charlie:
No, she's not, but she will be one day because she wants to have the same name as my child if we have a child.

Harry:
She just doesn't want to have the same name as you.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
I mean, only will I take that bloody name when we have kids.

Charlie:
Actually she came round at, round to it the other the other day. She's like, I think I want to be Baxter now.

Harry:
Ahhh.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
That's good. At last.

Charlie:
And guys, just just in case you're like, outraged that I'm not considering taking her name. We've gone over this a million times, but she's got two brothers. I've got two sisters. My two sisters lost their names, um.

Harry:
In the war?

Charlie:
In the war. And her two brothers have their names. So I was like, well, come on, let's at least let Baxter live on a little bit. Um.

Harry:
Come on. Yeah. Boy power.

Charlie:
We did deliberate. We did deliberate over whether I should be a Benson, because it's quite a cool name, Benson. Charlie Benson.

Harry:
Charlie Benson, it works. It's just as good as. No, no, it's not as good as Charlie Baxter.

Charlie:
Okay.

Harry:
It's pretty good.

Charlie:
Okay. Yeah.

Harry:
Stacy Baxter, Stacy Benson, both of them have a nice ring to them.

Charlie:
Yeah, they're. They're fine.

Harry:
It's not that much of a change.

Charlie:
No, there's not, exactly.

Harry:
And it's nice to have an X in your name. I think it's kind of cool. Baxter. A female baker.

Charlie:
The only thing about that is that people associate it with a dog.

Harry:
Yes, it is quite doglike.

Charlie:
And apparently Charlie is quite doglike.

Harry:
Yeah, I think that's a good name for a dog. Yeah, yeah. Well, you are a dirty dog, aren't you? Yeah.

Charlie:
Um, I was, I was saying last night she woke me up in the middle of the night. Um, not how I would have liked. She was shouting at the window. She was shouting. There's a man with a green hoodie jumping over the fence.

Harry:
What? Ah!

Charlie:
Turns out there was absolutely nothing. She had just imagined it.

Harry:
Was it me? A man in a the green hoodie jumping over a fence? Yeah, it was just a figure of her imagination.

Charlie:
Yeah, it was just the wind. Uh, but but so our little sausage dog is a country dog, and we've taken her to London, so she's quite sensitive to any noises, like the neighbours upstairs or any foxes in the bins or anything like that. She'll be barking her head off in the middle of the night, which I feel really bad about, and we're trying to work out a solution, but at the moment it's just get up as soon as the dog barks and soothe her, and at the same time, Stacey starts to imagine things, and then occasionally she wakes me up saying, there's a man in a green hoodie jumping over the fence.

Harry:
That's so specific though. Does did Stacey get those details from the tone of, um, Poppy's bark or how?

Charlie:
Green hoodie! Hoodie!

Harry:
*dog sounds*

Charlie:
Yeah, I'm not sure I actually said that I was stirring. I was like, how the **** do you know it's green? When I was like, getting out the bed because it's dark. So...

Harry:
Green's a hard one to detect in the dark actually.

Charlie:
Yeah. I didn't believe her. Something was afoot. We could say.

Harry:
Why would you specify. Oh, my God, there's a man in a green hoodie jumping over the fence. Why won't you just say, oh, my God, there's a man jumping over the fence. Why are you specify... She's so into fashion!

Charlie:
Also I feel. Yeah. Also, I don't know if she even knew it was a man.

Harry:
Also. Yeah, she's assuming it's a man. Yeah, I'm offended by that, actually. Yeah.

Charlie:
Very assuming.

Harry:
How about you male listeners? How do you feel that Stacy is assuming that the person jumping over the fence is a male?

Charlie:
Yes. Women can be thieves, too.

Harry:
Absolutely. Probably just as good as men. If they put their mind to it.

Charlie:
Probably better. More nimble.

Harry:
Probably better. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Not going to add any other details to that.

Charlie:
Uh, but yeah. No, it was fine. There was no, um, man jumping over the fence, but it did mean that we were both fully alert and awake at four in the morning and probably couldn't get back to sleep for another couple of hours. So, um, yeah, I woke up at similar at a similar time to you because of that. But I do feel very, very happy or grateful. Grateful that I can wake up at any time and I don't have to get up at 7:00 and do the commute and get into the office before 8.30 or whatever. So I'm very grateful for that. Um, as are you. You have just started a new chapter that I'd like to talk about. Um, does that require you to get in at unsociable hours?

Charlie:
We have come to the end of part one, so feel free to take a break from your listening practice, but if you're happy to keep going, then we're now moving on to part two of this episode. Thanks so much for being a premium or Academy member and enjoy the rest of the show.

Charlie:
Does that require you to get in at unsociable hours?

Harry:
Yeah. Last night I got in at, um, 12.38, approximately mid, like midnight. Half midnight.

Charlie:
Oh! After your shift?

Harry:
After my shift. Yeah. So I worked, yesterday I worked from 4 p.m. until 12.

Charlie:
Right. Okay. So at least you had your day. But still.

Harry:
I had a day. I had a nice day as well. Went out, uh, for for lunch or brunch with my mum. Um, and then just kind of. Why are you laughing at? Brunch with his mum? Loser.

Charlie:
No, no. Just the the the guilt in your tone of like, oh, no, I'm not lying. It was actually brunch. Yes. Wasn't lunch.

Harry:
Oh yeah. Yeah. Don't say it's lunch or breakfast. Yeah. It's got to be brunch. Um. Uh yes it was, it was, it was nice. And then. Well, I'm not going to tell you it wasn't an interesting day, but but yeah, I had so I had time to do something nice in the day. And then I started at four. Um, and my new job is like a half an hour drive away. Um, and. Yeah, yeah, but I quite, I quite like the late drive home because the streets are completely silent, you know, very, very quiet.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
So I can go at whatever pace I want. No one's no one's up my arse or hurrying me along, and the radio is really nice at that time as well.

Charlie:
Oh, I can imagine. Are you a smooth FM?

Harry:
I love the radio these days!

Charlie:
Smooth FM listener?

Harry:
No. I know you're a smooth FM man. I enjoy, uh, sitting in the car listening to smooth F.M. with Chaz. I guess that's where you get some of the your smoothness of, um, presenting from.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
As a as a podcast.

Charlie:
I'm just a bit of a parrot. Yeah, yeah, I try to copy that. Smooth FM. That was actually the first voiceover sort of trailer I tried out on my voiceover...

Harry:
Reel.

Charlie:
Yeah. Profile on a website that does voiceovers. Uh, yeah. That was the first one. You're listening to. Smooth. No, it was jazz. You're listening to Jazz FM.

Harry:
That's great. Did you get anyone? Have you ever had anyone approach to approach you to do, um, like radio, like voiceovers or...

Charlie:
I did

Harry:
Or even be a radio presenter?

Charlie:
I did get a radio gig. It was a, um. Come down to the mini golf at Lanzarote! Lanzarote mini golf.

Harry:
Haha. No really!

Charlie:
I did an advert for a mini golf park or adventure.

Harry:
That's hilarious.

Charlie:
I guess.

Harry:
And was it? Uh. So it was that kind of upbeat, kind of fun. Fun loving, uh, sort of family man.

Charlie:
Yeah. I couldn't quite, um, introduce the smooth jazz into mini golf Lanzarote.

Harry:
Mhm. Yeah.

Charlie:
If anyone is listening from Lanzarote, I may have confused a Canary Island. It may have been a different one. So if you're thinking there's no mini golf here, um, I might be lying, but it was a Canary Island.

Harry:
You've just ruined like six people's holiday plans and their, uh...

Charlie:
I've got, I've got a good place to go, guys. I was listening to a podcast, and this guy did an ad for mini golf in Lanzarote. So we're going there.

Harry:
Two things I love. Tapas and mini golf. Honey? We're going to Lanzarote. Charlie says it's a belter. Yeah, yeah.

Charlie:
Um, so I did that gig, but no, I want to talk about your new chapter of.

Harry:
Okay, but but but but but but but but but but but I, I wonder if they still use that advert. I'd love I'd love to be in Lanzarote and just hear it. It would just be. It would just be amazing.

Charlie:
Oh, potentially another Canary Island. Uh, yes.

Harry:
Or another canary island.

Charlie:
You've got it. Yeah. You've got to go to quite a few on quite a few holidays to check whether this ad was running because of my ambiguity. But yeah I reckon.

Harry:
Were they, did they, were they Spanish, the people that approached you? They wanted an English person doing the voiceover or was it an English person?

Charlie:
I think he was an English person. He had quite a few businesses. He was talking about them quite proudly. Um, and yeah, he was saying, maybe I'll need you in the future. They always did that because I was starting at quite a low price point. They would always be like, do a good job because I've got more work coming your way. And you're like, oh here we go. Yeah, I'll do a good job. And then you never hear from them again.

Harry:
Would you say to them, you know, I also do a very smooth, kind of, uh, jazzy, smooth FM kind of voice, if you're interested. I don't know if you're planning on opening a spa?

Charlie:
Well, I mean, my gig, my my reel, they call it, um, was there. So he had heard my jazz FM, and he had come through. So he knew I had that talent tucked away, ready to exploit whenever he had a spa. But I guess maybe he didn't venture into the spa businesses or business industry. The spa industry?

Harry:
Ah, um, industry. Yeah, if you do.

Charlie:
If you had a mini golf business, what would be the next logical business to look into expanding your empire?

Harry:
Probably just another mini golf on a different island. Just. Just keep it simple. If one thing's working, do more of it.

Charlie:
Right. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's that's sensible. That's. I think you'd go far in the mini golf industry with that. You'd monopolise quite quickly.

Harry:
Exactly. Yeah. Multiply.

Charlie:
Because I think most people sort of go mini golf. Right. Okay. Well we probably get some dodgems and, and maybe some go karts going.

Harry:
Could do. Yeah, yeah. I don't really like dodgems or go karts so I wouldn't go for either of them. Okay. What else would go well next to my mini golf course?

Charlie:
You know, what is an American thing that's coming over here is baseball batting cages.

Harry:
Baseball batting cages.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
No.

Charlie:
Yeah, it's a thing. Now in London, there's quite a few places to go. Harry is rolling his eyes as hard as possible.

Harry:
Well, there's everything. There's everything in London. Doesn't necessarily mean it's going to take off all around the UK.

Charlie:
No, that's true. Baseball batting cages, Bedford.

Harry:
Baa haa. No, that. I guess it's fun, but baseball is just not a sport here. I don't see it ever. If it hasn't taken off in all these years, why is it going to start now? I'm not putting one of them next to my my mini golf course.

Charlie:
What would you put? An ice rink? An outdoor ice rink? It's probably seasonal.

Harry:
I mean not in Lan- in Lanzarote! Scorching heat.

Charlie:
Yeah. The bills on that one. There'll be no profit. Please come to the mini golf because I'm losing money like you wouldn't believe on the ice rink that keeps melting.

Harry:
Charlie never consider moving into this kind of hospitality. Yeah, yeah. Mini golf, ice rink kind of industry. You just stick to podcasting.

Charlie:
Yeah, yeah, I should, um, I feel like there's a really obvious business that's right next to a mini golf.

Harry:
I do. I think just a restaurant or something. Cause you, you don't want people to be like, oh, am I going to go mini golfing or am I going to go on the ice rink? You want it to be like I'm going mini golfing. People know it's there. They, they, that's why they, they've flown to Lanzarote. Yeah. That and, and the possible ice rink. Um and, and then after, after mini golf or before you go for a nice meal.

Charlie:
Yes, yes.

Harry:
Just a cheeky burger or something. Yes. You know, something simple.

Charlie:
I don't know if I've talked about this on the podcast before, but, uh, mini golf makes me think of all of the summer holidays that I went on with my family. And we used to go to the the Canary Islands quite a lot. Gran Canaria was one of them. And, uh, we sussed out, no I was obsessed with Harry Potter. I was reading my book by the pool, and my family wanted to go on a walk to explore the local area, and I said, no, I want to read my book. So I stayed. They all went and came back. They said, we've found a lovely space for dinner. We're going to go to this square, so put on your nice clothes and we'll go over there. And we got out of the taxi and we were greeted by a woman that we thought was, um, in very big high heels. And, uh, she sort of suggested that the entertainment is this way. And we went into this square, and then we started to clock that every single member of staff in the sort of square, um, was actually a drag queen. So we had ended up in the drag queen central of Gran Canaria as a family looking for a little pizza. I mean, it was quite entertaining.

Harry:
That's hilarious.

Charlie:
But we're, you know, such a straight-laced, bloody family that it was so far from what their clientele probably would be.

Harry:
What did your dad think?

Charlie:
Well, my dad has this thing when he's in Spain and he's trying to. I know it's not Spain, an island, but when he's in a Spanish speaking area, he tries on his Spanish in the restaurant, but he has this sort of nervous tic where he fiddles with his top button. Yes, yes, gracias, uh, um, por favour. Um, el baño and. And my God, his tic of scratching that button was just off the charts with this drag queen.

Harry:
Oh, at least he wasn't fiddling with anything else.

Charlie:
No. Yeah, that's very good, very good.

Harry:
Oh, dear. Oh, that is so good. I don't know if I've seen your dad's tic in action of the fiddling with the top button, but it seems like a I can imagine him doing it, I really can.

Charlie:
It is. It is very specific towards a foreign language. I don't see it.

Harry:
Right.

Charlie:
You know, if he's complaining about something in a restaurant in English, he won't. He won't do that. If anything, he's quite comfortable with that.

Harry:
Complaining.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
Well you've got to get it from somewhere. Haha. Yeah. Cos your mum. I can't imagine your mum's much of a complainer.

Charlie:
No, actually I went to celebrate my dad's birthday yesterday at a Pizza Express and, uh, he no my mum told me that they went for lunch at the Drift Golf Club because, um, that's where my dad was a captain. This is so funny as well. So the Pizza Express waiter. Sorry to go on and on about my dad, but, um, the Pizza Express waiter, um, mentioned that he played golf, and my brother in law is a professional golfer at a very prestigious golf club. And my dad always likes to bring it up. And he's. Oh, yes. Andy, have you met Andy? He plays. He's a professional at Wisley. And then, uh, he said, oh, right. Nice. Yeah. I was a member at the Drift and you could see my dad's eyes lit up. Oh, really? Oh, okay. Well, he was like, how when were you there? When were you a member? And then he was saying, oh, um, before I say this, he was a captain at one point, and being the captain of a golf club, you know, you will never hear the end of it with him. And, uh, this guy said, oh, I was there for six months. I can't remember who the captain was at the time. And he said, oh, was it Jeremy? Was it, was it Andy? Was it John? And I could just tell that he wanted to say I was a captain there once, too.

Harry:
Was it me? Yes. It was me, wasn't it?

Charlie:
So my mum and my dad went to the Drift Golf Club for lunch on my dad's birthday. Of course, that's where he goes. Yeah. My birthday. Yes. Um, and they ordered a sandwich, and my mum's sandwich was terrible. Like, the bread was apparently incredibly dry and they had to send it back.

Harry:
Wow.

Charlie:
But my mum was the one that even was like, no, this is not acceptable. I will not eat this. I'd prefer to go hungry. I wouldn't, I wouldn't eat that. Yeah. So my dad complained.

Harry:
Oh bless her. Uh, so she sent she sent it back.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
But your dad complained on her behalf or.

Charlie:
Yes. Yes, yes.

Harry:
Okay, okay.

Charlie:
Of course. Yeah. Of course.

Harry:
Fair enough. Yeah.

Charlie:
Uh, but where were we? Uh, well.

Harry:
I had some prawns the other day.

Charlie:
Oh, yeah.

Harry:
And they were send-back-able like they were bad. They were really bad. We were sharing them between four of us. And I said, these are. We all agreed quietly that they were awful.

Charlie:
Right.

Harry:
Um, and normally this pub does really nice food and it's quite expensive and the prawns are really expensive. And I said, let's send them back and say they're just. Yeah, they're really not nice.

Charlie:
What's wrong with them?

Harry:
They were still frozen. The flavour was awful. They were bad quality. Like, it's just not ah, it was just they were just awful. It was just they looked sweaty and like just it was just nasty, man. They were drowned in this sauce. Like it wasn't nice. It was supposed to be this, um, Spanish style, Spanish style prawns, which are, you know, kind of garlicky sauce. Um, it was just horrendous. They were terrible. Inedible.

Charlie:
Because it's, it's quite hard with the, with the giving back or sending back. Um, it's quite subjective if there's not a a, you know, an obvious these are off. These are literally inedible.

Harry:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was more that they'd been really badly prepared and it was just, I don't know, like they got the dish wrong or something. Normally the food's really good, but this one was just horrendous. And we all agreed that. But my three, um, my, my two cousins and my sister, who I was with, they were like, oh, don't say anything. And I was like, really? So it made it awkward for me because I really wanted to send them back. And, and I ended up saying, yeah, the prawns aren't very nice, but but the others were like, it's okay, it's okay. And it was just it was awkward. And then the bill came at the end, they were still on the bill and it was made out like it was our issue. And it really, really it was quite annoying. Yeah.

Charlie:
Yeah that's interesting. Culturally that's probably quite different around the world, isn't it? Um, definitely. It's probably quite common in the UK to have one person out of four feeling comfortable, and then the others are like, no don't say anything!

Harry:
Definitely, yeah, we're bad. We're bad at complaining, aren't we?

Charlie:
Yeah, but there is the odd one that is slightly ready to. So it does.

Harry:
Absolutely.

Charlie:
It does create a sort of, um, unpleasant social experience.

Harry:
It does, it does. Yeah. It's an awkward it's another awkward, uh, point about British people I think.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
On the whole, yeah, it's hard to complain, but it's important. It's important to complain. Otherwise these restaurants and the chefs, they're not going to improve. And then the, uh, tourists that come here, travellers, they'll say the they'll continue to say the food in England is terrible.

Charlie:
Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, I totally agree.

Charlie:
We have come to the end of part two now. So again, feel free to pause the episode, to take a break from your listening practice and come back to the last part when you're ready. Alright. So moving on to part three now. Enjoy.

Charlie:
Totally agree. It's good to put them straight. Um, so you had some bad prawns. My mum had a bad sandwich.

Harry:
Awful.

Charlie:
Um, but I want to go back to a bit more of a real topic of your new job.

Harry:
Sure.

Charlie:
You did a shift from four until midnight. Um, can you tell us what your job is?

Harry:
Yes. Yeah. So it is telephone triaging. So if you've got a an ailment, you've got some kind of symptom that you're worried about. You call them up. Uh, this this telephone triaging service, and they ask you a series of questions, or we ask you a series of questions to assess your symptoms, and then we direct you towards the most appropriate service that can help you.

Charlie:
I've I've not really come across that word much. I have seen it or heard it and never used it. Triaging.

Harry:
Uh, yeah. Yeah, it can be a verb. Um, and then it can be a noun. A triage. To triage is to assess someone's, uh, symptoms. It's normally like an initial assessment. So if you go into A&E.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
They, they will triage you. There might be a triaging, uh, nurse and they will. Yeah. Ask you some questions to, to check your kind of vital signs and make sure you are okay. To rule out anything life threatening is the first thing they do. And then they'll ask you more questions to find out, you know, what is the issue.

Charlie:
Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So are you... So you're doing that. You've been doing the training. I knew that. And you're starting to come away from that. You're starting to take your own calls. Are there people quite close to you that are doing the same role? Can you overhear each other?

Harry:
Yeah.

Charlie:
Is there sort of.

Harry:
You can, but it's quite a spacious office, so it's not like it's not like you're talking over each other and it's not distracting. And once you're on a call, you're very kind of like focused on that, that call. But yeah, I was worried about that at first because I thought, oh, I'm going to hear other people asking the same questions and stuff, or it's going to be off-putting, hearing other people so close to me. But no, it's absolutely fine and it's quite spacious. So yeah, it's alright. But yeah, I've um, I had some training to, to learn the, this system, the triaging software, um, and to learn how to take calls and handle different scenarios and to identify different symptoms and life threatening illnesses. And then, um, then I had I had to do eight coaching shifts where they are plugged in and they're listening in to the calls that I'm taking, and they're basically there to hold my hand and to help me. Yeah. When, um, whenever I, uh, don't know what to do. And then for the last two shifts, I'm unplugged. So I have a coach there, like sitting close. Close ish. Um, and I can call in to them for assistance. So it kind of simulates how it how it really is. You're solo, you're on your own, but you have team leaders around and clinicians who can help you.

Charlie:
And you've got all sorts of people calling in from, you know, saying, I've got a cold to saying I want to kill myself?

Harry:
Ha ha ha. I'm not laughing at suicidal ideation, guys. But yeah.

Charlie:
Imagine if that was your response.

Harry:
It's the way Charlie say... yeah, yeah. Um. It's the way Charlie tends to. I want to kill myself. Yeah. Um, yeah. So. Yeah, yeah, you get a broad, um, variety of of calls, which makes it really interesting because you don't know what you're going to get, which also is quite daunting because, like my first call, I'm like, what the hell am I gonna get? But you settle into it after a couple. But at the start of the shift, I'm often quite nervous thinking I have no idea. It's often my first call of the shift. That's like the weirdest one. Or that ends up going on forever. Um, so. And yeah, yesterday I had a, I had one that went on for ages. Um, but it was, it was fine. And yeah. So you get a real massive...

Charlie:
In the training. Do they say you're not allowed to talk about it with the outside world?

Harry:
That's good. My mum asked me that the other day because she works for, um, or she worked for Samaritans as a volunteer for a long time, and they have to sign a kind of confidential, a confidentiality agreement. I think with us, we're not allowed to talk about, you know, patient details or anything like that. But I think I feel like we're allowed to talk about, you know, the general nature of calls and things like that. We. Yeah. Yeah. There's not been a thing about about about about that.

Charlie:
Right. Yeah.

Harry:
But yeah, it's not like I have been sharing a lot of details but you know. Yeah. Yeah.

Charlie:
So, um, the average caller, would you say it's just, you know, I've got a fungus on my foot. I don't know what to do.

Harry:
Yeah. Here, we've got, um, an absolute epidemic of foot fungus. Guys, just so you know, bad food, foot fungus and terrible teeth.

Charlie:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've got bad teeth. What do I do? Go back ten years and have braces.

Harry:
Go to Turkey.

Charlie:
Yes.

Harry:
Or Germany, where they have good dental hygiene. Um, you've got bloody good teeth, though, haven't you?

Charlie:
I've got alright teeth, but one is slipping out. And oh.

Harry:
Oh, I see.

Charlie:
And, um, I was actually I went to the dentist for the first time. No, the hygienist, which is even grosser.

Harry:
Oh, the hygienist.

Charlie:
In the in about seven years, because I've been abroad, I haven't actually found a dentist outside in those countries. I went.

Harry:
And what did they say about your teeth?

Charlie:
And they said, um, you need one filling. So I'm devastated. This is my first filling.

Harry:
Ever. Ever. No way. Wow. You've got very good dental hygiene.

Charlie:
Yeah, I think I do. I do clean them properly. Um, but now I do the little stick in between the teeth.

Harry:
Oh.

Charlie:
What is that gross to talk about? I think that's clean.

Harry:
No, it's not gross. No no no, no, I'm. I'm wincing at the, um, what I imagine to be the discomfort of putting a stick between your teeth. I mean, I floss every day. Yeah. And, um, I'm quite proud of.

Charlie:
The dance move or?

Harry:
Yeah. Just the dance move.

Charlie:
Imagine if I'm in the bathroom and you did that dance move.

Harry:
I'm flossing everyone! Uh, but, uh, I've never done that. It just looks like quite a thick thing to put between your teeth.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
What do they call it? A dental stick?

Charlie:
Yeah, I think maybe, um, it. So they come in different sizes. You work your way up, you go really thin at the beginning.

Harry:
Um, it's like a... it's like a vibrator.

Charlie:
Sure. Do they come in different sizes? Yeah. Of course. They come in different sizes.

Harry:
I'm just. Yeah. I was making an analogy because you made a really good analogy earlier about my mattress. Cold bits of the mattress being a bit like the cold bits of the sea when you're swimming. So I thought I'd try to, you know, bring something to this episode with an analogy of my own.

Charlie:
It's a beautiful one and ended well listing vocabulary that you couldn't think of that was even dirtier than the word dildo. Yeah. Um, yeah. So it's just like that. Putting a dildo in between your teeth and then going.

Harry:
But you're gradually, gradually working up.

Charlie:
Yeah. Gradually working up to bigger, thicker dildos. But actually, I think that really has helped my mouth, my dental hygiene. Putting a dildo in it.

Harry:
That's good. That's good. Uh. That's good. I'm glad to hear it. But anyway. So. So. Yeah. If you ever find yourself with problems, um, dental, a dental emergency. Um, for example.

Charlie:
Would I be ringing you?

Harry:
And you could call up. You could call up 111. I don't think I cover your area because I'm...

Charlie:
No, no, but. Okay, so aside from the region, if I did get a dental stick stuck in my teeth and it was causing a medical emergency, would I ring your number?

Harry:
Absolutely. Yeah. You've got a foreign body trapped in your between your teeth. Yeah.

Charlie:
Nice. Nice. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. Training's worked. Um, so what would the what would the calling system be like? What would be the first question? Are you trying to commit suicide?

Harry:
Are you bleeding heavily?

Charlie:
Oh really?

Harry:
Uh, have you been bleeding? Have you lost any blood? Have you lost any blood?

Charlie:
Yes. Yes, I've lost some blood. Yes.

Harry:
Okay. Have you been bleeding heavily for the last two hours?

Charlie:
Uh, not heavily, but for the last hour and a half, I've been seeping blood from my mouth.

Harry:
Okay, so get a no to that. And then, um, the skin on your chest, back or abdomen, does it feel a normal temperature when touched?

Charlie:
Wow.

Harry:
This is to rule out, um, shock. When, uh, when all the blood rushes to your organs and it leaves your skin all white and clammy, and it's very dangerous. Can be life threatening.

Charlie:
This is fascinating. Uh, I'm going to say no to that.

Harry:
No. What temp is it? Is it is it does it feel normal to touch?

Charlie:
Fairly normal. Yeah. Yeah. Now that I'm putting my hand on it, it feels hotter. But. Yeah. Okay.

Harry:
I was just, I was, I was trying to find my microphone there for the, my headset at work. I was like oh where's where's my.

Charlie:
Oh wow.

Harry:
Because sometimes because when I'm not on a call I have it up here.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
Then I and then I bring it down and I was looking for it. I was like, where is it? Um, I'm trying to rule out shock.

Charlie:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Harry:
It's interesting. Yeah. So that's what, that's what. That's what they do after that question. Um...

Charlie:
Please hang up.

Harry:
There's, there are some questions that are like inferred. So like you, uh, like this one is, um, are they fighting desperately for every breath? If I'm talking to you. And you're talking fine. And it's quite obvious. And I'd say. Are you fighting desperately for every breath?

Charlie:
Yes, yes I see. Yeah. Are they fighting? Yeah, yeah. But I suppose if I've got a stick in my mouth, I'd be like, no, I can't feel my mouth.

Harry:
Ah. Oh I might say you... *laughs* I've got a stick in my mouth! I can't feel my mouth. Well can you feel the stick? I might say. How's how's your breathing? You breathing okay? I mean, you've been able to give me all your details and talk to me through the stick, so I'd probably assume that you can breathe.

Charlie:
Yeah, but I would. Yeah, but I, I can't breathe through my mouth.

Harry:
Breathe through your nose then you turd.

Charlie:
I would like to make an official complaint. This man has been abusing me throughout this whole call. Very rude. Um, would you say that you are very respectful all the way through your?

Harry:
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I pride myself on my, um, uh, politeness.

Charlie:
Nice.

Harry:
Absolutely.

Charlie:
Overall, though, would you say you're enjoying the whole job?

Harry:
I am actually.

Charlie:
New experience.

Harry:
Yeah, I am enjoying the job. Yeah, it's really good. It's, uh, it's developing my tolerance to, um, you know, cringeworthy people around me as well, you know, because some of the people I'm working with, you know, are very annoying. And so it's, I feel like I'm working on my, yeah, tolerance to those kinds of people and just being.

Charlie:
Because we have been shut away from the office.

Harry:
Oh my God.

Charlie:
Um, water cooler lingerers.

Harry:
Yeah.

Charlie:
Haven't we.

Harry:
Massively.

Charlie:
We haven't had that for about eight years.

Harry:
And the public. Like I'm having to take calls from the public, which are just. And some of the things they say are just ridiculous and like it's. Yeah, it's good to be. I feel like I'm in contact with the world again. And so it's, it's yeah, it's good and yeah, it's. Yeah. Like the, the office environment I like I do actually like it. The people are really nice. They're just sometimes, I find myself really cringing at the things that people say, um, especially when people are like in senior positions and they it goes to their head and it's like, it's so embarrassing, like, come on, get over yourself. Um, and so but yeah, it's good. It's good practice. I feel like and it's interesting. It's nice to do something different. It's nice to be going somewhere for work. It's nice to be meeting new people. Um, and to. Yeah, it's just nice to have variety. It's really nice teaching still, uh, but I'm enjoying doing something else at the same time.

Charlie:
Definitely. Yeah. And to, to clarify, for uh, listeners who do enjoy your teaching and career, so you're teaching is at the same time as doing that and building up your sort of, uh, volunteer work because you like the idea of facilitating sort of psychological, um, workshops or CBT, that kind of thing. That might be something that you're working on in the future. And they say you need to do volunteer work. So that's that's kind of the decision that you've taken, right?

Harry:
Deffo. Yeah. Volunteer work. And yeah, the NHS stuff is, is, um, you know, a paid job, but yeah, I'm I. I'm working with a charity which I absolutely despise. Um, so I'm going to be leaving them because it's just a total waste of my time. And I just the guy who leads it, I can't stand him. So I don't believe in anything he is, uh, preaching. Sorry.

Charlie:
Would you believe it, guys? Would you believe it? This is. This episode is not sponsored by that charity.

Harry:
Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Charlie:
Well, we don't need to label that or, you know, let people know which charity you're talking about.

Harry:
No.

Charlie:
Um, but. Yeah. Okay. Well, we will probably end it there because otherwise the transcription will be never ending.

Harry:
Good grief.

Charlie:
Um, so thank you very much for joining me on an episode of Sofa Chats.

Harry:
Thank you. It's been fun. It's been really fun.

Charlie:
Really fun. Um, have a good day. Need to get you down into our new flat.

Harry:
I'd like to come down. Yeah, let's do it soon. I don't know, I don't know what my shifts are this week, but, um, I don't know if you have plans at the weekend.

Charlie:
This weekend is rather mental, because, um, Stacey's birthday is upon us.

Harry:
Oh is it? Are you doing something for Stacey's birthday?

Charlie:
Yeah. God, we've got a whole plan. We've got a week of entertainment lined up.

Harry:
A week!

Charlie:
I can't a whole week. I can't really say much more, but, um.

Harry:
Wow.

Charlie:
Yeah, yeah, a lot is happening.

Harry:
Okay. Nice.

Charlie:
Can't wait. Obviously.

Harry:
Is Stacey in at the moment?

Charlie:
She is.

Harry:
What is she up to? She working?

Charlie:
She's working. Yeah. She's working harder than ever because she's got a week of, uh, no work coming up, so she needs to double down.

Harry:
Yeah. Can we say knuckle down?

Charlie:
Knuckle down. That one.

Harry:
Double down. That's a phrase. Okay.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
Okay.

Charlie:
Anyway, nice. Much love. Yeah. I'll speak to you soon. Alright, man, and thank you very much. Thank you. Bye bye, guys.

Harry:
Take care.

Charlie:
There we go. The end of part three. Meaning the end of the episode. Well done for getting through the entirety of it. Make sure you use all of the resources available to you in your membership. Thanks once again for supporting the show and I look forward to seeing you next time on the British English Podcast.

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