Transcript of Premium Bonus 042 - Transcript

Charlie:
Cheers. [Cheers] Hello and welcome to another episode of the British English Podcast. I actually think I need to keep up with the quick intro for new people. I was getting my hair cut today and the barber was non-native and after a natural discussion about what I do, I didn't throw it in his face or shove it down his throat. I suggested he give the podcast a go, and to my surprise, he put the clippers down immediately, got his phone out, downloaded Spotify and started playing an episode whilst continuing to do my hair.

Stacey:
Wait, wait, wait. He didn't have Spotify.

Charlie:
No he didn't have any podcast app, actually.

Stacey:
Who is this person and has he been living under a rock?

Charlie:
That's what I think. But actually, I think we're a minority still. [What?], 8 billion out there. I don't think there's that. I mean, amongst the people that you socialise with, you're probably in the majority. But yeah, actually I've talked to every barber I've had.

Stacey:
About Spotify.

Charlie:
Just generally podcasts, it's come up, you know, it's what I do and they're like, they're like, what's a podcast? [What? No] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stacey:
No.

Charlie:
But yeah, he put it on, started playing, and continued to, to cut my hair whilst it was playing. And unfortunately for me, to my horror, it was the latest episode which at the time was the one where I did some impressions of, of characters from Fonejacker and it didn't really sound like an educational podcast for English language learners. I will continue to state at the beginning of every episode just in case another barber comes along that this is a show for anyone who is wanting to improve their British English whilst listening to culture-based conversations typically between native speakers. And we have exactly that today because I am sat opposite my darling wife to be aka the ball and chain.

Stacey:
Never, never call me that again.

Charlie:
Can you think of other names like that?

Stacey:
Well, you love to drop in a Mrs, lately. I don't know what's gotten into you, but I hate it with every fibre of my being. Please do not refer to me as your Mrs. ever again.

Charlie:
Well, after August 26th.

Stacey:
You will be. I will never be your Mrs..

Charlie:
You will be my Mrs. and I will be your Mr..

Stacey:
I do not like that.

Charlie:
Can you think, my other half, My better half.

Charlie:
My better half.

Stacey:
That's a compliment.

Charlie:
Got any others?

Stacey:
My bird.

Charlie:
That's just as bad as Mrs..

Stacey:
Mrs.. Yeah, definitely. It's worse. Please don't ever call your girlfriend or significant other your bird. Significant other.

Charlie:
Significant other. There we go.

Stacey:
Kind of bit lame.

Charlie:
But it's a bit lame.

Stacey:
It's a bit lame, but it works in most contexts.

Charlie:
Yes. Yes, exactly. Um, so we're here to give you.

Stacey:
Some very original.

Charlie:
We're copying. It's a segment from a very popular podcast in the UK that everyone seems to be tuning into at the moment. It's a talking point for for some people, when we get together, it comes up in conversation occasionally because the co-hosts of the show have been in the public eye for a long time now, haven't they?

Stacey:
They have.

Stacey:
And not only have they been in the public eye, but they have also been in our actual eye.

Charlie:
Brilliant.

Stacey:
Did that work? Don't think so.

Charlie:
Great. That was great.

Stacey:
They are our current neighbours. The one and only Abbey Clancy and Peter Crouch.

Charlie:
Yes. Abbey Clancy. She was a UK model. Still is a model. Yeah. Yeah.

Stacey:
And personality, I think now. Yeah. She's a podcast host.

Charlie:
Yeah, all of the above.

Stacey:
Apparently, she's just got an interior design show.

Charlie:
Yes, but before she was a model. And then, dare I say. Yeah. A wag.

Stacey:
You can still say wag.

Charlie:
Okay. But she was, she was an OG wag. No, I'm saying that she was making it herself before she met her partner. She didn't just lean on the marriage. No.

Stacey:
I definitely think Peter Crouch's football status helped her career. I would say. I'm not sure how. Abby, if you're listening, I'm sorry.

Charlie:
They will never. Do not worry.

Stacey:
Well, they are our neighbours. We. You know. Abby. Peter, if you want do a collaboration, let us know.

Charlie:
I don't think the same shows come up based on their location.

Stacey:
Well, actually, they'd be a very good podcast for your listeners to listen to because they have some interesting native language and slang they like to drop in a casual kind of light-hearted swear word or two. And they have Abby in particular has a different accent.

Charlie:
A different accent to a [you], a neutral Southern accent, also known as received pronunciation.

Stacey:
She's Liverpudlian.

Charlie:
Liverpudlian.

Stacey:
Is it not Liverpudlian like a pudding?

Charlie:
That was really cute. That was really cute. From my understanding, it's Liverpudlian [fact check]. No, I'm not going to.

Stacey:
Don't have the resources for that on your podcast.

Charlie:
I do. I just don't need it. It's Liverpudlian love.

Stacey:
It's Liverpudlian. They have a producer on their podcast. We don't have the luxury to fact-check while we go along.

Charlie:
No, but I've just fact-checked where Peter Crouch is from. He's from Southampton. He has a neutral Southern English accent. But yes. So they do a show about them [enough about them]. No, no, no. I still want to talk about them. They do a show that lots of people in the UK are talking about and it's called.

Stacey:
The Therapy Crouch.

Charlie:
One more time.

Stacey:
The therapy? Crouch Yeah, which is a pun.

Charlie:
Yeah, it's a pun. It's a play on the word of what? Can you explain it for us?

Stacey:
The therapy couch, which is like a therapy sofa, which is usually when you are having therapy, you lie on a sofa and speak to your therapist and they listen to you.

Charlie:
Very good. I was going to say all this, but I want to get more.

Stacey:
Of my lovely voice.

Charlie:
Exactly. Get it out of you. If you reflect on that phrase for a second and the culture and the group of the demographic that they represent, what does that say to you, do you think?

Stacey:
I have no idea. I don't know what you're asking.

Charlie:
Think about psychology and therapy in general and how it was perceived a few decades ago and now where we're at.

Stacey:
Are you saying that they are making it accessible?

Charlie:
Sorry I just took a sip. I'm. I'm saying that they are of a demographic where, say, 20 years ago, it would have been unheard of to really bother going to a therapist. Most of us didn't really think about this until recent years. Okay. And to even consider this name for a footballer, we didn't even say that. Peter Crouch, the other co-host, was an England footballer. That shows that, you know, his listeners, they're comfortable with the idea of therapy. It shows that our nation is becoming much, much more comfortable with self-development and improving oneself through talking therapies.

Stacey:
Yeah, I would agree with that. [Yeah?] I was actually listening to a podcast the other day and I would be pretty sure that the US would be the highest amount of Therapy goers.

Charlie:
Yeah, 100%.

Stacey:
And yeah, I find it fascinating how people like Kendall Jenner, probably the age of like 22, is regularly seeing a therapist, and they refer to therapists as just like my therapist is doing this and it's just like saying your doctor or your I don't know, what else we have.

Charlie:
It is becoming that, especially in America. It's already become that, I'd say, for the more affluent people. Definitely to say, my therapist thinks I should do this because it's an expensive thing. Yeah, we're not far behind America, but it's the whole identity that Americans have. I think that goes hand in hand with being whoever you want to be. Like you can be more than just who you were. And so I think it's it kind of is natural for them. But for us it's a bit tricky because we're stuck in a class-based system still, and we were always taught to shut up and carry on or keep calm and carry on. What's the segment that they do that we liked?

Stacey:
They do a Weekly Whine, which is basically like a little whine about one another.

Charlie:
And what's another word for a whine.

Stacey:
A moan, a complain.

Charlie:
A complaint, a complaint.

Stacey:
But I would say it's like a little like a niggling complaint, not a serious, hearty complaint.

Charlie:
I like. That word. Niggling, [niggling] and hearty. [Good words]

Charlie:
Good words Stacey.

Stacey:
And they pair their Weekly Whine with some wine of the liquid variety, which is what we have here.

Charlie:
Yes, we've got some wine of our own.

Stacey:
Basically, Charlie just needs to bribe me to come on his podcast with alcohol.

Charlie:
Yeah. And the ability to whine about me. So they call it the Weekly Whine Club, don't they?

Stacey:
I think so. Yeah.

Charlie:
Yeah. Which is playing on the words again. Like a wine club is a group of people who are talking about the drink and the flavours that come from it all. We've started to use a new app, haven't we? Have we? It's called Vivino.

Stacey:
That's not new. We've had it years. Not sponsored by Vivino.

Charlie:
No, no, I'd like it to be. But it's not relevant at all. What is it?

Stacey:
It is a wine-rating app. Yeah. That basically you just take a little photo of the label or just type in the name of the bottle or the brand and it will give you a rating. It'll give you a little description. It gives you like a nice little scale of whether it's full bodied or light or acidic or dry or all those things. And it also links wines that you previously rated pretty highly and gives you recommendations for other ones. And it's bloody great and takes all of the tricky decision making out of buying wine.

Charlie:
Yes, it does. It sounds like we're wine connoisseurs now, from what you've just said, but it's actually just like an IMDb of of bottles.

Stacey:
We're actually just idiots, [we're idiots, aren't we?] so we rely on this to fund all of our...

Charlie:
I go cross-eyed when we go into a bottle shop or an off licence. Yeah. And you just gravitate towards the nicest packaging.

Stacey:
Sucker for a good label.

Charlie:
Yes. The graphic designer. Just stick your phone in front of it and it tells you how good it is out of five and how many people have rated it. So it's very good, very clever.

Stacey:
Yeah, and it's done us proud today. I think it's helped basically.

Charlie:
So, yes. They call it the Weekly Whine Club and they whine about each other. We're going to do that before we do.

Stacey:
Shall we say that we love each other and that this is not going to just plunge us into a negative pool of yes, divorce, pre-marriage?

Charlie:
Yes. Let's! You first. [laughter]

Stacey:
Uh, let's not cause you're listening to...

Charlie:
The show that they do is so good because it allows for them to talk openly. Yeah.

Stacey:
Also, they use it as a form of therapy, so they are getting their little niggling complaints out to one another, and. Yeah, they're resolving them as a part of the conversation.

Charlie:
Yeah. I just thought of the phrase off their chest. That's a good one. They're getting something off their chest. [Yeah] Yes. And they do it in a humorous way.

Stacey:
I'm not sure we can do that.

Charlie:
Dare I say they have a little banter.

Stacey:
A little bit of banter.

Charlie:
A little bit of banter between each other, which is nice to hear. And it makes for enjoyable listening.

Stacey:
Definitely.

Charlie:
And it makes them likeable. Very likeable.

Stacey:
For sure.

Charlie:
Because they can receive the criticisms from each other in a light-hearted way. We're going to do that. Segment.

Stacey:
But it's not a segment. It's the whole.

Charlie:
Well, they, they they ramble on for about half the episode. So that's what I was kind of doing.

Stacey:
You can start.

Charlie:
Ladies first. Men just before?

Stacey:
Just before [Okay] I want to know how hard you're going before I pick which. Which one of my 432 whines I'm actually going to voice today.

Charlie:
Wow, that's a long list. The most recent one for me was today. I'm a little bit under the weather at the moment and I was in the bedroom and [man flu]. Well, no, it's more than that now. It was that for the first two days it's been two and a half weeks. Still no sympathy. That's another one. I should write that one down. I was in the bedroom, banging headache. And we're currently we're currently dog sitting for my late grandparents in their house that they haven't sold. And it's a lot bigger than what we're used to. We're normally used to a 1-2 bed flat, but we're in a five bedroom house at the moment. [Six] Six bedroom house. It's falling to bits, but it's still a big house and I was in the bedroom. You were in another room, way off. And what did you start doing? Having a natter with me. You just started talking to me in a way that you assumed that I could hear every single syllable. And then afterwards. Can you hear me? And it really annoys me that you think that I should drop whatever I'm doing and pay attention to everything that you're doing, despite the fact that you've not thought about what I'm doing. And it's also generally really annoying.

Stacey:
It is annoying to shout, but I'm going to say you do the same, you quite often ..

Charlie:
No, no, no, no. What do I do? I've found a solution. I found it years ago when some family members did this quite aggressively and we learnt from it. What do I do now? [Call me?] I say in a very low tone. Can you hear me?

Stacey:
Do you? I've never heard you say that. No.

Charlie:
No. Take that back! As if!

Stacey:
I have literally never heard you say that.

Charlie:
We need to end this episode. I cannot believe. Are you serious?

Stacey:
I've never realised you'd be fuming over such a small little thing.

Charlie:
This is like the moment where I said, we've talked about the wedding every day and she's giving me such a glare.

Stacey:
And that is it for the podcast today. Have a lovely evening and I will never be on again.

Charlie:
It's impressive to see how well they do it, considering we've got an in just one thing and we're raging at each other. But I said that to you and then you said, you're barking. You're going. You're going mad. We've barely talked about the wedding.

Stacey:
Are you kidding? Stop.

Charlie:
Read the room. Are you telling me you've never heard me say. Can you hear me?

Stacey:
Yes. I've never heard you say that ever.

Charlie:
Are you doing this for...? No.

Stacey:
I've never heard you say that. I swear on my life.

Charlie:
How do I start, then?

Stacey:
Hello? [Oh, God.] Stacey!

Charlie:
No, no, no, no. I say the tone that I want to talk to you at. Can you hear me, love? And then if you say yes, I continue talking. If you don't respond, then I just don't voice my thought. And I think that's a great solution. And I'd like you to to do the same.

Stacey:
I will do the same. But I do not acknowledge that this [I'm so angry]. This is such a small thing. Other relationships have real problems and I know we are ...

Charlie:
But I don't think they were.. [Bickering about]. I think the whole point about these conversations on podcasts is that they're not the big stuff.

Stacey:
Yeah. Don't want to talk about that time that you ...oo..

Charlie:
Do not dare... All right. Well, are you going to respond to that anymore?

Stacey:
No, I think yours was was a lame one to start with.

Charlie:
No, it wasn't.

Stacey:
I'm sorry, listeners, for the lame...

Charlie:
Come on, Come on. Can we talk about how frustrating it is.

Stacey:
And I mean, we live in a big house. Boo hoo. It's frustrating, poor us!

Charlie:
But explain your argument then.

Stacey:
Different one.

Charlie:
No. As in, why you do that.

Stacey:
You do it as well, though equally.

Charlie:
Explain why you do that.

Stacey:
Explain why I, you know, just trying to have a chat with you.

Charlie:
So today she not only did it for functional reasons, but then she also said so.

Stacey:
Actually today I have a confession.

Charlie:
What did you say? Did you have a nice walk?

Stacey:
No, I said, did you have a nice time in Cobham? And actually, I'm going to admit that that came out involuntarily because I think my subconscious was feeling like I had quickly neglected you and walked away from the conversation back up to my work because my work is more interesting than you.

Charlie:
That's another one on the list.

Stacey:
Just felt like I had neglected you. So I think my voice just projected and said, Did you have a nice time in Cobham? And I didn't even really think about asking you that.

Charlie:
Okay. I mean, that was sweet. And I responded in a jokey way saying, Are you joking that you would bother shouting across the house for that? That was quite sweet.

Stacey:
I'm a sweet person, you know.

Charlie:
Yeah. You say Liverpudlian.

Stacey:
Pudlian.

Charlie:
Pudlian like a pudding. Like a pudding. Those Liverpudlians. Wait, did I say it right? Puddings. Yeah. So it is Liverpudlian Puglian No. Liverpudlian. Liverpudlian ignored. Maybe it's their accent that you're thinking. It's puglian. Over to you.

Stacey:
Over to me. Over to you. Do I get to do my first whine? Yeah. Oh, I'm going to drink my wine. So many to choose from. Where to start? I will start with a most recent one, happened about four hours ago. Are you trying to think what it is? Yeah. But no surprise, I've come to terms with the fact that you are very incapable when it comes to making your own food.

Charlie:
Okay. But I will I would like to argue my case on that. But go ahead. Continue.

Stacey:
Go ahead.

Charlie:
Well, I'm incapable of making my own food.

Stacey:
Because you're out of practice.

Charlie:
Because I'm out of practice. It's been ten years now. You are [the best] obsessed with food. You have been a chef in a restaurant for a week at least.

Stacey:
I just covered.

Charlie:
Yes, but you covered and you were the main chef just to make the case that you are a good cook. So you're a very good cook and you love it, but you at least enjoy it. I'd say you think it's a passion of yours.

Stacey:
Is this your whine or mine?

Charlie:
No, I'm not complaining.

Stacey:
The mic time.

Charlie:
You invited me to explain myself. It's my bloody podcast anyway. And you hate washing up.

Stacey:
I do hate.

Charlie:
Washing. And I find it.

Stacey:
You hate washing up recently too.

Charlie:
Well, yeah, recently. Because you make a lot less [that's whine number..]. I do the washing up. You do the cooking. It's been a very harmonious relationship for ten years. And so gradually I've gone from mediocre at best in the kitchen to forgetting how to heat up a pop tart.

Stacey:
We've never had Pop Tarts.

Charlie:
That was in my single days.

Stacey:
Okay. But just to give you the example, which actually kind of.

Charlie:
Can I just say I can follow a recipe?

Stacey:
You can? Yes. It will take you about six hours to do a recipe that is supposed to take 30 minutes. But you can. But today also, this is giving you a prime example of you committing the whine that you just accused me of. Today you got back from Cobham and I had a lovely piece of hummus on toast snack.

Charlie:
I made it myself.

Stacey:
Yes, but I went back upstairs and 30 seconds later. Which bread do I use?

Charlie:
Functional.

Stacey:
The bread. The sourdough bread that you just tried and you saw me having. Yes, that one. Okay, lovely.

Charlie:
No, no. But you know where all the food is. I know where all the cleaning stuff is.

Stacey:
I am talking about my whine. Will you shut up?

Charlie:
But there was one slice of bread left that you had stuffed in the far drawer of the fridge. [Yes] I would have taken about ten minutes to go through the larder, the cupboard.

Stacey:
That is my hiding hole for the sourdough that you can't get.

Charlie:
Because you sometimes put the bloody Fred. Fred! The bloody bread in the freezer. So I'd have had to go through four places. Big areas before I would have found it.

Stacey:
I will continue with my story. So then he says, bearing in mind I'm upstairs at this point, I'm back doing my work. Headphones are on, trying to not be distracted and I get another shout being like, Did you cut the bread in half to fit in the toaster? And I was like, Yes, the slice of bread won't fit in the toaster unless you cut it in half, you idiot.

Charlie:
[So then you do] Granted. But again, I didn't know if you had toasted all.

Stacey:
Charlie, It's just hummus on toast.

Charlie:
Oh, come on.

Stacey:
It's literally two things that just need to be put together. It's not that hard.

Charlie:
No, it's not hard. No, I have an issue with not doing it the way that you've just done it. I want. I want to do it exactly the same way.

Stacey:
It's just hummus on toast, babes.

Charlie:
Do you hear that rattle?

Stacey:
Don't get me started on that one.

Charlie:
[coughing] I'm dying, guys. And she won't even notice.

Stacey:
Excuse me. Who woke up to a handmade, beautiful lemon, ginger and honey tea and some ibuprofen this morning?

Charlie:
Yeah, that was very sweet.

Stacey:
Thank you.

Charlie:
That was a delicious tea. Yeah. Thank you.

Stacey:
Squeezed that lemon with my bare hands.

Charlie:
What else would you have squeezed it with?

Stacey:
Peeled the ginger, with the lemon squeezer, you idiot.

Charlie:
Hahahahaha. Oh. Told you I don't make stuff.

Stacey:
Exactly. So yes, you're now becoming incapable of doing any form of food, whether it's snack, whether it's smoothies. You're very capable of making a smoothie, but instead of making it yourself you'll just look at me with puppy dog eyes like, I can't do it. I don't know how.

Charlie:
I've started to do it recently, but no, I do have this frustration with it. I just. Yeah.

Stacey:
You just. Yeah.

Charlie:
I just want you to do it.

Stacey:
I just. Yeah.

Charlie:
Okay, [cool]. I think it's out of habit. No, I'm out of practice, obviously.

Stacey:
You just want me to deliver you every single meal, snack, drink, everything.

Charlie:
Well, you just do it so much better. Honestly, everyone, when I'm talking about a little snack, Stacey will make it look like some tapas from the most bougie restaurant possible. She'll manage the impossible, and I will go in there and I will throw a piece of bread down, miss the plate and butter. Half the wrong side of it. It just.

Stacey:
You do always manage to.

Charlie:
Fuck it up.

Stacey:
Yeah. Like butcher a piece of toast. I do, Yeah.

Charlie:
Just a simple things I butcher and I just don't make them look nice. And you make them look nice and they make. They taste amazing. So I always think I could get a better option if you were to just make it. And I'll clean it. I'll clean my own smoothie flask.

Stacey:
Will you clean it? lately? No, that's not my second whine. I will just say to be nice back because you have just given me a compliment that you are, in the household, by far the best coffee maker.

Charlie:
We have come to the end of part one, so feel free to take a break from your listening practice, but if you're happy to keep going, then we're now moving on to part two of this episode. Thanks so much for being a premium or Academy member and enjoy the rest of the show. Oh, so get placed one of two? [Yeah] Great. I think I would be the best in five...

Stacey:
All right. I gave you a compliment. Calm down.

Charlie:
I was going to say a five-mile radius.

Stacey:
No, [no] definitely not. There's some very good [All right!] bougie coffee machines in this neighbourhood.

Charlie:
But I do do a good coffee from our own home.

Stacey:
You do. You try and do a little latte art, which usually looks like either a decapitated octopus or a little shrivelled up beetroot with a bit of foliage on top.

Charlie:
You've got a great imagination.

Stacey:
Yeah.

Charlie:
I like to [painting the picture] get your creativity going. Shall I go?

Stacey:
Sure.

Charlie:
Well, how do we feel from mine? Are you going to take anything on?

Stacey:
No.

Charlie:
Your point is to just make a bit more of my own stuff.

Stacey:
No, just, you know, use your initiative when it comes to cutting a piece of bread in half to fit in a toaster.

Charlie:
Yeah. We have a phrase in English called no longer having your balls, no being castrated. I've slowly been castrated for the last ten years.

Stacey:
That's rude.

Charlie:
Because here's the compliment. You always make a better choice.

Stacey:
I think it's being a woman.

Charlie:
Oh. I dare to dare, dare to disagree.

Charlie:
I actually do agree. But I'm a guy, so I'm a bit biased because I'm the only guy in the relationship. If there were better guys, then it would be a more even playing field. My point is that you often make better decisions in life, and so gradually I've learned that if I just let you pave the way with little things, I get better results. And that's come at a cost, because sometimes the most menial things I'm incapable of deciding for myself and I need your help.

Stacey:
Like whether you should cut toast or not.

Charlie:
Like whether I should cut toast or not. Yeah. There was another thing like just your opinion on like a pair of shoes. I bought a pair of shoes the other day and. And then there was a mark on them, wasn't there? And I said, No, I don't think I should get them. And then you came back and you're like, What are you talking about? Just get them. That's fine. And then I felt confident in that decision. I was like, okay, yes, I'll get them.

Stacey:
I think that is regular couple reassurance, which is a nice thing. I guess it's good to have a second opinion with all of the decisions. And I think the more close or reliant you get on your partner, maybe the less incapable you are of making independent decisions, which is not a bad thing, I don't think.

Charlie:
Do you consult me? Do you think?

Stacey:
More than I would like to, to be honest

Charlie:
Okay. All right. Well, let's move on to the next one. My turn.

Stacey:
I'm intrigued.

Charlie:
I've got three to play with. I think we've only got time for one more each, if that.

Stacey:
Because you rabbited on so much.

Charlie:
That's why they pay me the big bucks, baby. I'm just going to go for a light-hearted one.

Stacey:
Okay, good.

Charlie:
I don't know if there's much conversation out of it, though.

Stacey:
What are they? Why don't you say them all and I'll pick one for you to talk about.

Charlie:
Okay. Yes, exactly. There we go. Indecisive little shit. Okay. Relegated from the premium shampoo.

Stacey:
Oh, yeah. That's a boring one.

Charlie:
You're incredibly blasé attitude towards Teddy, our one of our dogs being allowed to walk around freely and pee on the carpet at any time of the day.

Stacey:
Okay, I think I can respond to that one.

Charlie:
And finding your shoes in the most inexcusable locations throughout the house.

Stacey:
Okay, Teddy, your shoes.

Charlie:
Let's go, Teddy.

Stacey:
Okay.

Charlie:
As I said, we're dog-sitting for my late grandparents. They had two sausage dogs. One is seven years old and one is 13 years old. He is nearing the end of his life. Potentially. He's a bit blind and a bit deaf and his breath doth stink. And he also likes to play a little trick on us and trot around the carpet until he finds a spot that he likes to sniff and then piss on.

Stacey:
Occasionally shit on.

Charlie:
And occasionally shit on. And I've stood on that and been late for an academy class.

Stacey:
I've stood on. I've stood in his way many a time. And I took one of his poos.

Charlie:
Not the poos.

Stacey:
But I took a poo with me to the gym the other day.

Charlie:
On.. What you picked it up? Oh, this will come in handy!

Stacey:
I picked it up. It was...

Charlie:
Why did you pick it up?

Stacey:
Because I ran through it. And it wasn't until I was in the car that I. [Not the new car!] In the new car then I thought I can smell poo. Like there is poo somewhere. Is it in the car? How did poo? Get in the car? And then I looked at the bottom of my shoe and I picked up a whole poo clean. It was like the perfect..

Charlie:
Sorry if you're eating lunch.

Stacey:
..shape of a poo. [Yeah] And I took it all the way to the gym with me.

Charlie:
No, you didn't.

Stacey:
I did.

Charlie:
You told me that you found it and you disposed of it. You got rid of it.

Stacey:
I was late for the gym, so I took it all away with me. To be fair, we've got an automatic car, so I didn't have to put my left foot down on the clutch, so I just carried it. I lifted my foot the whole way and took it to the gym with me and then disposed of it on the little brush that golfers use to clean their shoes with.

Charlie:
Did you? [Yes] Wow. So they're all going to get a bit of poo on their shoe. Okay. So, yeah, blase attitude towards letting Teddy out.

Stacey:
Because I have a I have a response to this whine and that is that this house is going to be sold to developers and be demolished. And Teddy is, as we mentioned, towards the end of his life. And I don't think he needs to be cooped up in the kitchen and just outside, just not living his full life. This is his house more than it is ours. So he should be able to roam freely in any room which he likes to roam. And whether he wants to do a little tinkle here and there along the way, that is absolutely fine.

Charlie:
I've got something on my palm. Well said. Well said. Very good. You are actually lying through your teeth, though. [I am not] You are. You don't mean that. You're just saying that for the listeners.

Stacey:
I don't want to keep him.

Charlie:
You don't like the pee on the carpet.

Stacey:
I don't like the pee anywhere, let alone on the carpet. Yeah.

Charlie:
So every day we have to mop up.

Stacey:
I've had definitely way more wet socks than you and I mop up.

Charlie:
Well, that's because I wear slippers!

Stacey:
And I mop up ten times. Probably 30 to 40 times more pee and poo than you do.

Charlie:
And that's optional. You just get up in the morning and you do the morning shift.

Stacey:
And Charlie doesn't get up.

Charlie:
Oh, my. Oh, my God.

Stacey:
Charlie's chilling in bed at 9:30. [Wait, wait, wait, wait], watching UFC, sipping on his lemon and ginger being like, boo hoo. I only slept at 40% capacity last night.

Charlie:
Oh, God. Don't know why I bothered with this type of episode.

Stacey:
I'm really enjoying this episode. Although my wine is empty.

Charlie:
So is mine. Is your whine empty? Your. Your whine list.

Stacey:
Oh, hell no.

Charlie:
No. Can you just tell me why I've been relegated from the premium shampoo?

Stacey:
The premium shampoo. Because it's expensive and your hair and you wash, to be fair. I'll tell you why. Because I wash my hair once a week. And I was jealous that our expensive shampoo is going on your little pubey hair and you wash your hair how many times a week?

Charlie:
Every time I shower. So once a week. Wahay!

Stacey:
Do you wash your hair every time you shower? [Yes] So, like six, seven times a week? [Yes] Yeah, that's [five, five, five..]

Charlie:
I mean, six, obviously. Obviously I shower every day, so seven.

Stacey:
And that is why you have been relegated. Is it relegated? [Yeah] Okay. And that's why you've been relegated.

Charlie:
Yeah. So we had some nice shampoo that you paid a lot of money for.

Stacey:
I actually didn't. I got it free.

Charlie:
Oh, okay.

Stacey:
But it is expensive and I won't get it again.

Charlie:
So it's not what you know, it's who you know. [Exactly] And if you know someone who works for L'Oreal, then you're worth it. Then I had to buy some crap poo shampoo.

Stacey:
It's actually good shampoo.

Charlie:
and my hair is rather dry.

Stacey:
It's good shampoo, Charlie.

Charlie:
Anyway, what's your whine? Let's wrap this one up. [Okay] We have come to the end of part two now. So again, feel free to pause the episode to take a break from your listening practice and come back to the last part when you're ready. All right. So moving on to part three now. Enjoy.

Stacey:
I mean, I have so many. How can I? Okay, I'm going to combine two into one.

Charlie:
Combine two into one.

Stacey:
Okay. And it's based on the speed of which you move.

Charlie:
In the bedroom.

Stacey:
Oh, shut up. Number one, which I think annoys me the most. It is the highest on the whine list. And I don't know why it annoys me the most. I think it's just disrespectful, you know, [Charlie scoffs] is when I have spent hours making a meal and I put the dinner on the table and I say dinner and usually I've given you a warning. Like usually I've given you a five minute warning. [no] A two minute warning. [no] No, a one minute warning. [No] And then I put it on the table. And if it is a type of meal as well that is presented, that requires a bit of, I want kind of gratification of the presentation. I'm just waiting there for, I would say on average three minutes for you to make your way to the table, wait for you to say, Oh, this looks nice, wait for you to then proceed to go get a water. Go maybe to the bathroom, maybe to get a jumper, and then to come back and sit down and then we can dish up our dinner. It's usually cold and I'm annoyed.

Charlie:
Fair enough. Poor on my behalf, occasionally. But usually this is just because you said it last, not in order of preference. It's not never cold.

Stacey:
Cold by my standards, because you have little weakling of not taste buds. Temperature buds.

Charlie:
I'm sorry. We're not on to another whine yet. We're staying on one whine at a time.

Stacey:
Any food that is above room temperature, you go [blowing on food as if very hot].

Charlie:
You do not give me a warning. You really don't.

Stacey:
Three-minute warning.

Charlie:
You really don't. And often the three minutes. I'm still working at this point. And I'm doing a task that needs my utmost concentration for at least 30 minutes at a time. So it's. It's. It's not. I know I'm not writing a bloody novel, but when I'm like, thinking of podcast episodes or in really into the work, if I'm taken away suddenly it takes a long time to get back to where I was. So I need to complete the task and so being given a three-minute warning isn't enough. Secondly, or maybe even thirdly, because the war, the the the food wasn't ever a thing about the temperature. Thirdly, when I was young, my mum would always shout food!

Stacey:
And no one responds in your family, which I think is so disrespectful.

Charlie:
I've had 20 years of assuming that that's fine. You just rock up to the table quite late and you say, Oh, sorry, [see..] And then, yeah I know... Just let me say, let me finish! It's the therapy couch that, that was actually it.

Stacey:
Is that the end?

Charlie:
No, but we just didn't get told off. And so we didn't think it was that disrespectful.

Stacey:
So am I reaping the pain of your...

Charlie:
That's not a phrase. To reap the rewards is a great phrase. [Okay] To get the benefits from something to reap the rewards.

Stacey:
So am I being scorned by your...

Charlie:
No, not scorned. Am I being punished?

Stacey:
Am I being punished for your mother's non-disciplinarian actions for you not coming to dinner on time?

Charlie:
Am I being disciplined? No. Am I being punished for the lack of your mother's discipline upon you when you arrived late at the table? Yes.

Stacey:
Yeah. See, in my family, my dad has only just even started to say the word dinner. And we have already stopped our conversation. Whatever is going on, and we've halfway to the table.

Charlie:
I have noticed that. I noticed that early on.

Stacey:
He doesn't even have to say dinner. We just hear the noise of plating up or as soon as we hear anything, hit the dining table. [Oh my God, I've just..]. We just go straight away.

Charlie:
I've just realised it's like, you know, not to compare you with a dog.

Stacey:
Oh, my God.

Charlie:
But, you know, some dogs are really food focussed and some aren't. When you get the dog biscuits out, the food-oriented dogs are like, Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dinner, food. Come on, then. I'm going to.

Stacey:
Yeah, that's me.

Charlie:
Yeah, that's you. That's your family. Because you love food and you're excited.

Stacey:
Yeah but you love food, and you're excited for dinner.

Charlie:
No, no, no. I'm never. I'm never. I'm never.

Stacey:
Excited for dinner?

Charlie:
No, no, no, I'm not. Honestly, deep down.

Stacey:
As soon as I finish a meal, I'm excited for the next one.

Charlie:
Yeah. We've talked about this. I I'm not food focussed at all. You've trained me [sucks to be you] to be sort of like various foods, but yeah, I've, I never think about the next meal. And I know that's not normal or no, not normal. But I know a lot of people really do focus on the next meal and what they're going to have tonight and they're going to have on the weekend. But maybe that's why I'm always late. It's rude of me.

Stacey:
So how can we fix this problem? How many minutes warning would you like?

Charlie:
Give me a bigger warning.

Stacey:
Ten minutes?

Charlie:
Maybe even half an hour.

Stacey:
That's when I'm usually starting to cook.

Charlie:
Yeah, come in and say I'm just starting food. [Okay] At said time, I would love you to be ready to eat with me. [Okay] And I'll set the table and get your magnesium pills as well. [Thanks] I apologise because if I was to be making the food, slaving over a stove and then put it down and the little fuckers not even there to appreciate it, I'd be pissed off. So I hear you [infuriating] and I will try to improve, but I need your help.

Stacey:
Do you know what's also infuriating?

Charlie:
What?

Stacey:
Is when talking of the subject.

Charlie:
Oh we got another one.

Stacey:
It's the same. It's the same topic.

Charlie:
All right. I think we're out of time. Sorry, guys.

Stacey:
No we're not. Is when you say, shall we go on a dog walk? I'm like, Yeah, okay, cool. I'll go get my shoes on. So I've put my shoes on. Then I've made a cup of tea. I'm still waiting for Charlie to be ready.

Charlie:
You have not made a cup of tea. Stick to the truth and it will still be relevant.

Stacey:
Okay. The actual truth, though, is that I say - Yeah, I'll go get my jacket, put my jacket on, put my shoes on. You then, are just leaving your office. You then go upstairs and I can hear your bloody electric toothbrush going and I'm like, It's a dog walk. You don't need to brush your teeth for a dog walk.

Charlie:
I'm brushing the dog's teeth. They've got to be social fresh breath.

Stacey:
Come downstairs and ask me if the back door is locked. I say yes. You proceed to go check because you don't believe me.

Charlie:
Five out of six times. It's not locked.

Stacey:
That's a lie. If I tell you it's locked.

Charlie:
It's not locked. [It's locked] Five out of six times. It's not locked.

Stacey:
Then you come through and then you go back upstairs. I don't even know what you're doing. Probably getting some mints or some lip balm or, I don't know, charging your phone for five minutes and you come back down and there's an email that's popped up and you have to respond to it. Then you put some shoes on using your shoehorn because heaven forbid you ever put shoes on without using a shoehorn. And you also need to be seated.

Charlie:
This is too much information for the listener.

Stacey:
Then you get some keys, you decide which keys you want because we've got a few to select from and then you come out and then you've forgotten something like like, oh, poo bags or something. [I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed] Takes you on average. [Okay] Seven minutes to leave the house for a dog walk.

Charlie:
There's three things that need to be done when leaving the house. Get the keys, lock all the doors and get the leads for the dogs.

Stacey:
And I've usually done two of them. I always forget the keys.

Charlie:
Nearly always forget two of the three. [No] And you're stood there waiting for me the whole way through this because you're so slow. And then I come and I say - Have you got this, this and this? And you're like, Oh.

Stacey:
Yeah, I've forgotten the keys. Definitely, but I have the lead. Poppy is outside waiting for you. I've locked the doors and you are slow.

Charlie:
All right. Yeah, I just am I slow? Things crop up for you, and...

Stacey:
You're just a faffer.

Charlie:
I am a faffer

Stacey:
I think that's the end of that one.

Charlie:
No, no, wait, wait, wait.

Stacey:
You're a faffer in all aspects of life.

Charlie:
I am. But on the other side.

Stacey:
You are getting better at social occasions.

Charlie:
Hang on! But you are a faffer. I've got a point. I've got a point I'd like to express. So when you sometimes.

Stacey:
Faff, faff baby.

Charlie:
When you sometimes faff or you do something to slow us down, I am so chilled about that.

Stacey:
Yeah. You're patient.

Charlie:
How did a positive quality just land so flat?

Stacey:
Faff, faff baby.

Charlie:
Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, there we go. What was it you speaking?

Stacey:
Are we summarising our whines?

Charlie:
Yeah. You speaking to me when I'm definitely.

Charlie:
[is that what Abby and Peter do?] I'm not sure. Speaking to me when I'm definitely out of earshot. And your response to that is...

Stacey:
Can't wait to live in a studio apartment again.

Charlie:
Can't wait to live in something we can actually afford. A box. Then your first one.

Stacey:
Uh, incapable of making food? Yeah. Toast, actually. Specifically.

Charlie:
Yeah. Do you want me to improve on that?

Stacey:
To make toast? Yes.

Charlie:
No. As in...

Stacey:
You are a 33 year old man. You should be able to make toast.

Charlie:
Okay, With that point, whenever I choose something that's wrong, I get scorned.

Stacey:
This is your own food. Though I'm not going to scorn you for your own food.

Charlie:
You do actually.

Stacey:
If you make my toast wrong, I will scorn you.

Charlie:
Yeah, you're...

Stacey:
You're making your own toast.

Charlie:
No, but sometimes you'll be like, Oh, you shouldn't have done it like that. You should do it with this. You should have put some garlic with that. [You should just be] You should have put some pesto. Why didn't you put any olive oil? Oh, my God. I can't believe you didn't put salt on that. So many times you've said that.

Stacey:
Why don't we just agree to always put olive oil, salt, pepper, maybe a drizzle of pesto on everything?

Charlie:
Because I don't want a heart attack. Sod the..

Stacey:
The summary. What? Because we've moved on to mine?

Charlie:
Nah, fine about Teddy. Let's let him pee on all the carpets.

Stacey:
I enjoy a soggy sock.

Charlie:
Oh.

Charlie:
Oh, so gross. I hate that feeling.

Stacey:
Me too.

Stacey:
I've got through so many socks just because. I'm walking along and then all of a sudden, squelch!

Charlie:
That's more of a poo sound. Well, that's the end of that. Thank you very much for joining us in the not-so-weekly Whine Club. Cheers again, even though you never say cheers at the end. And thank you, Stacey, for being my partner in this therapy session.

Stacey:
You're very welcome.

Charlie:
All right.

Charlie:
Thanks for listening to the end. See you next time on...

Stacey:
The British English podcast.

Charlie:
Lovely.

Charlie:
Bye bye. [Bye bye] Okay. There we go. The end of part three, meaning the end of the episode. Well done for getting through the entirety of it. Make sure you use all of the resources available to you in your membership. Thanks once again for supporting the show and I look forward to seeing you next time on the British English Podcast.