Transcript of Premium Bonus 048 - Transcript

Charlie:
Hello and welcome back to another, hopefully rib-tickling episode of the British English podcast, where we don't just teach you English, we teach you how to navigate the minefield that is British social life. I'm your host, Charlie, and with me today is my dear friend Harry, who's as British as a pint of lager in a pub. Is that rude to say, Harry?

Harry:
I'm pretty British. I think I'm as British as they come, to be honest.

Charlie:
I'd say so.

Harry:
My mum said I was 1/16 Canadian once, but I don't know what that means because Canadians, a lot of them originated from Britain anyway, didn't they? So, don't know. That makes me even more British, maybe.

Charlie:
Perhaps. Unless it's like Quebec side. Yeah. Does that mean maybe that your mum had a bit of an affair? No, it doesn't mean that, does it?

Harry:
No, I don't think my mum had. She might have done. She hasn't told me of any affairs. I hope not. But you never know these days. Everyone's having it off with everyone, aren't they? Have you had an affair yet?

Charlie:
Are they? No. No.

Harry:
You've been married for... How long have you been married now?

Charlie:
I've been married a week today. Wow. A week today, yeah. Because it was. Wow. Seven days ago that you declared that you love my wife.

Harry:
Yeah, that was good. Did you enjoy that part of my speech?

Charlie:
I did. A lot of other people commented on that. They were like, 'Oh, it was so funny when Harry said, "I love you, Stacey" on the microphone.' It was good.

Harry:
Yeah, apparently, yeah. His... Her brother told me that he was borderline pissed off. He was like, I was going to say something to you. This is when he was off his tits. He was completely drunk and going around the dance floor, molesting everybody. Mainly the men, I must add.

Charlie:
He snogged me at one point.

Harry:
Did he? Yeah, He kissed me, humped me and groped me within the space of about 20 minutes.

Charlie:
That's a full house. Bingo.

Harry:
Yeah.

Charlie:
Very nice.

Harry:
I quite enjoyed it. But wait, what was I saying? Well, affairs. How many affairs do you think happen in the first week of marriage?

Charlie:
Wow.

Harry:
Percentage. Let's go percentage. What percentage of marriages fail in the first week?

Charlie:
Interesting. I was going to say probably like 1%, right? But then again, it may be that moment where they realise I've done the wrong thing, so it might be quite a high percentage where they have this awakening like, Oh no! This is not what I want.

Harry:
Yeah, maybe they realise that first night or even before they, maybe they knew in the build up, in the weeks and hours building up to a big moment, that big day and they just, they go through with it because they would rather, they would rather that, save face on the day, than have to go through the ordeal of jilting someone or saying no at the altar. Can you get any worse than that?

Charlie:
No, you can't. Lovely language there. Jilted as well. I don't use that one. Can you explain that one?

Harry:
That's when you don't turn up to the altar, to the ceremony. You just leave your spouse there, standing there waiting for you, to jilt someone.

Charlie:
Oh, okay.

Harry:
Let them down.

Charlie:
So it's specific to leaving them somewhere, stranded.

Harry:
Normally we use it in that context, but it says suddenly reject or abandon somebody. But it's got a real like connotation to leaving someone at the altar where in the church or wherever you're getting married and not turning up, abandoning them right there on the big day. He was jilted at the altar by his bride to be.

Charlie:
And I've got one. The man I thought loved me jilted me and stole my money. So a double whammy there. Oh, yeah. No, I haven't done that to Stacey. I haven't jilted her nor stolen her money. Yet.

Harry:
Did it cross your mind? When you were standing there, waiting for Stacey. Quite a lovely moment, by the way. Standing by your side. The kids coming down, down the aisle. It was really emotional. It was lovely. Did it cross your mind that she might not turn up?

Charlie:
No, it didn't. Is that arrogant of me that it didn't cross my mind?

Harry:
It's a bit arrogant.

Charlie:
Isn't it?

Harry:
It's a testament to your love, isn't it?

Charlie:
Yeah. I mean, it's just. It would be so strange if she did, because she's put so much effort into this moment. Like the planning. She's got four outfits for the day. No, three. Just three.

Harry:
I thought it was four. I thought I noticed four outfit changes from Stacey.

Charlie:
We've said four because we legally got married on the Thursday and she wore a different one there. And then on the day she had her main one and then two evening ones. This is not normal, guys. It's starting to be a thing where there's an evening dress for the first dance because typically the main dress is quite big and awkward to dance with and they've got a long train. But yeah, it was quite extravagant. She did what she felt like she wanted to do, which is exactly what you should be doing on your wedding day, right?

Harry:
Absolutely. You go for it, Stacey. She looked amazing in every single one of her outfits, didn't she?

Charlie:
She did. She did. She looked absolutely stunning. We're not here to talk about weddings, but we are here to talk about some awkward and delightfully British conundrums to see how Harry would react. And maybe if you could flip it onto me to see how I would react to help you guys better understand two Brits and how awkward they can be in these moral dilemmas. Shall I hit you with the first moral dilemma, Harry?

Harry:
Hit me with a sorrel milemma. Let's do it.

Charlie:
Okay. Imagine a friend just comes round, right? They are randomly popping in and you offer them a cup of tea and they seem very pleased with the idea of one. You go into the kitchen, you boil the kettle, and they launch into telling you about a problem that they're experiencing. So it's not really about, you know, making the tea. You're there as a listener, but you're doing the making of the tea. You boil the kettle and while you put the milk in their tea, you notice that it smells questionable, but you've already started pouring it now. So they're in full flow. The milk's in full flow. There are no tea bags left, no other milk, no other options. What do you do? Do you continue and just give them the slightly gone off milk in the tea or... And continue with the conversation? Or what do you do? Do you confess?

Harry:
So in this situation, does the person I'm making a tea for have to be going through a rough patch and telling me their life story?

Charlie:
Yeah, right now they are telling you about... Let's call it a romantic issue.

Harry:
Okay.

Charlie:
Yeah. They are well and truly focussed on that.

Harry:
Okay. Yeah. And I guess you don't want to interrupt them when they're telling a maybe a sad story or whatever their dilemma is. But I don't want to give someone a horrible cup of tea. If I notice, because I'm going to be making two cups. I'm gonna be making one for them, one for me. And I love my tea and there's nothing I hate more than a bad cup of tea. I don't want to drink it. So selfishly, I would... I'd probably offer them a green tea, to be honest with you. I don't want to serve someone a horrible tea. I don't want to serve someone because I know how bad that is. I know how disappointing it is. But that's why I drink oat milk, because it doesn't go off or it takes a lot longer. So you won't find little bits in it. It doesn't go bad anywhere near as quick as cow's milk. I'm hoping that won't happen to me. But I think I would I think I would tell them. I think I would tell them.

Charlie:
Okay. Yeah. That's good that you said that oat milk does go off eventually. I'm glad that you don't keep it for months and still think this is absolutely fine. But yeah. Fair. Fair. So you don't want to give yourself a bad cup of tea and therefore you wouldn't force it upon them.

Harry:
Yeah, because if you know how bad a bad cup of tea is, then you wouldn't wish it on anyone else, would you?

Charlie:
Yeah. So what... How can I alter the situation... What if they don't like green tea and they're almost.... They're jittery. They need a cup of tea to calm them down. And you've said before, they were like, what do I do? What do I do? They're outside or away from your house. And you say, Come over for a cup of tea and we'll just calm you down.

Harry:
You need a cup of tea right now. That's all you need.

Charlie:
Yes.

Harry:
In my house, with my milk, my water.

Charlie:
So they've travelled for this cup of tea. Would that change things?

Harry:
Okay. Maybe what I would do is, having seen that the and smelt that the milk is off, I'd pour the cup of tea, I'd pour one and then I would test the water myself. So I'd test the milk myself. I would have a little sip and I'd be like, okay, this is passable. This isn't too bad. Maybe a tad bitter, but actually this is alright, this is drinkable. Having seen that it's drinkable, I would then proceed to pour the other cup. I would put the milk in the other cup.

Charlie:
Okay.

Harry:
I think that's probably what I would do. I'd make, I'd do it kind of quite a strong tea. So I wouldn't, yeah, I wouldn't put too much milk in. I think.

Charlie:
Okay.

Harry:
So as not to accentuate the stench of the gone off milk.

Charlie:
In my imagination, this milk it's smelly but it's not curdling. It's not visually off.

Harry:
Okay.

Charlie:
It's just on that.

Harry:
On the cusp.

Charlie:
Cusp of curdling.

Harry:
On the cusp of curdle.

Charlie:
Exactly.

Harry:
I think maybe I'd pour it out, but the smell is worse than the curdle, I guess. If it was the other way round and it had started to curdle, but it wasn't smelling, maybe I'd pour it and I would just maintain, try to maintain eye contact with the speaker. I would start spooning out the little flakes, the scum on the surface of the tea. I'd be like, just getting it out so they didn't notice. But yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, really? She left you, did she? Oh, let's. Yeah. Oh no, not with him. Oh, God, that's. Yeah. Oh terrible. Get all that shit out the kit. Cup of tea. Yeah.

Charlie:
What was that?

Harry:
And then hopefully they wouldn't notice.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
Nothing! Yeah. So you were saying? What about you? What would you do?

Charlie:
I think I would confess. I think I would say, We need to... This is unexcusable. I haven't checked the milk. But they would get annoyed! If you were them and you were having a breakdown... You come round...

Harry:
Having a breakdown. Ohhh, God. That's. You're telling me the milk's off? Oh, no, that's.

Charlie:
Oh, I can't catch a break!

Harry:
Adding salt to injury.

Charlie:
Yeah, exactly.

Harry:
Unbelievable. I think you'd get over it pretty quick. A cup of tea is great. But you can have. I'd happily have a green tea or just I'd have a glass of water. I don't care. If I'm having a breakdown, I've got bigger fish to fry.

Charlie:
You do. It's alright. That's true. Okay. Alright. I'm glad we aren't too upset or we're not crying over spilt milk. Oh, okay. Next one. The queue confusion. You're both in a long queue. I don't know who both of us are. I guess us. And then a third person comes along and offers you £50 to let them cut in front of you. Do you take the money and risk the wrath of fellow queuers behind you or decline and become British heroes of decorum? Oh, I guess we are in the queue together and we're making this decision.

Harry:
So what we get £25 each or?

Charlie:
You do the maths. Yeah, yeah, I guess so. Okay. I think the main question for me is where are we queuing and what is it for? If it's for an ice cream, it's a nice 50 quid. If it's for a flight. No, not a flight. We'd all get on a flight.

Harry:
Flight, yeah, I'm not taking that for a... Actually no, of course I'd take it.

Charlie:
We're all getting on.

Harry:
Speedy boarding or otherwise I would take that £50. No problem. But what if it's a public toilet?

Charlie:
Oh, yeah, that's an awkward one, because

Harry:
If you're bursting

Charlie:
...everyone would be looking at you for a long time. Yeah. Imagine that in a festival. You're queuing for a cubicle. Hot summer's day. Everyone's hungover. Tempting, though. £50.

Harry:
Very tempting. Especially at a festival. Imagine what you could buy with £50 at a festival. Yeah, that would. I'd always be... If someone else was mad enough or rich enough to offer me £50 just to cut in front of me in a queue, one space in front of me. It's not a massive inconvenience for me. I would take that £50. Yeah. There's few things I wouldn't do for £50, Charlie.

Charlie:
I can imagine you in that festival queue out saying out loud to everyone behind you. It's okay. He gave me £50. It's okay, guys. I've got 50 from him.

Harry:
Drinks are on me! Guys there's nothing I wouldn't do for £50. So if you have anything else you can offer me, please go ahead. I think I would take it, but yeah. What is a queue where you wouldn't accept it because people would be so angry? I'm just trying to think of maybe think of something.

Charlie:
A shoe shop?

Harry:
Oh, a shoe shop queue. Oh, absolutely. Oh, no.

Charlie:
What about a kebab shop at the end of the night? I think people would fight you for that.

Harry:
Possibly, actually. But you wouldn't know because. They wouldn't pick a fight with you for letting them in. They'd pick a fight with the queue pusher, wouldn't they? The queue hopper.

Charlie:
I think you'd both be questioned. You'd both be the ones that they would want to sucker punch in the face. Is sucker punch, does sucker punch... It's a bit of an American phrase, isn't it? But does it mean in the face? Do I not need to say?

Harry:
Sucker punch? Is it like isn't to sucker punch someone just when you punch someone and they're off guard, like they're not expecting it?

Charlie:
Oh, okay. A quick Google says a quick punch delivered without warning, an unexpected blow.

Harry:
But yeah, if you were waiting in a queue, you wouldn't expect the punch, would you? When I was punched in a kebab shop, it was definitely a sucker punch or ten.

Charlie:
I laughed again! You told us that story at the wedding. Like the day before or the day after. I gave a rude little giggle, didn't I? I laughed again just then. It's terrible of me. It's a terrible moment in your life.

Harry:
It's okay! Yeah. But you can laugh about things. When it's been, like, ten years, I think it's alright. I think it's alright.

Charlie:
Okay.

Harry:
We were talking about that. The seriousness of things just gets diluted with time, doesn't it?

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
And you suddenly you can make jokes about death and things that just aren't funny, but they are with, over time. Certain things you can find humour in. Don't worry. You can laugh at me getting beaten the shit out of Charlie. Don't worry about it.

Charlie:
Oh good, okay.

Harry:
Minor concussion.

Charlie:
What about a queue at an A&E?

Harry:
Oh, wow. That's a good one. That's so wrong.

Charlie:
That is.

Harry:
It's wrong on both sides, isn't it? The person who's offered you £50 and the person who's accepting it. That's got wrong written all over it.

Charlie:
Yeah, definitely a hard no A&E. Probably a no in the kebab shop, but probably a yes in a festival.

Harry:
And are you saying no in the kebab shop because you're scared about getting sucker punched?

Charlie:
Correct.

Harry:
So you're saving your own neck?

Charlie:
Yes.

Harry:
Typical Charlie.

Charlie:
Exactly. Alright. Are you ready for the next one?

Harry:
I'm ready.

Charlie:
This is called the mind reading hat. Does it make sense any more? Because I've changed it. No. Let's change it to the mind reading genitalia grab.

Harry:
Cat?

Charlie:
No. The mind reading genitalia grab. You find a bowler hat that allows you. Oh, no, it does make sense. The mind reading hat. You find a bowler hat that allows you to read people's thoughts, but only while you've got your hands down your trousers. Do you use your newfound power for good, evil or just for giggles? And even do you use it because you've got to have your hands down your pants and have a bowler hat on.

Harry:
Do you have to be in the presence of the person whose mind you're reading? Or can you do that from the comfort of your own home?

Charlie:
Yeah, good question. It doesn't work through the mobile. It's got to be face to face. Yeah. The bowler hat.

Harry:
Can't do it, can't do it remotely.

Charlie:
No. No remote access.

Harry:
Okay. I guess it's a bit of a double whammy, isn't it? Because not only have you got to look prat wearing a wearing a bowler hat. It's not my preferred look. But also, you've got to have your hands down your pants. And that's not a good look. It's not a good look, is it?

Charlie:
Yeah. You could get into trouble, especially if you're near a playground. I mean, it wouldn't take long for them to say, what is that hat? And why are you putting your hands down your trousers? And then what do you do? Do you confess? And then the next time they will know that you're trying to find out the truth. Oh, you've got your honesty hat on again, have you? Okay.

Harry:
Yeah.

Charlie:
Now you know what I'm saying.

Harry:
It's just my mind reading bowler hat that I have to touch my penis while wearing in order to read people's minds. Don't worry. Nothing going on here.

Charlie:
What would you use it for?

Harry:
I think I'd use it. Although I don't want to read people's minds. I don't like to know what people are thinking really. I'm already trying to think what they're thinking. I don't actually, I don't think I really wanna know.

Charlie:
Oh really? Yeah.

Harry:
I think I probably wouldn't use it. Only when I absolutely had to know. Like, maybe if I suspected my partner was having an affair or something.

Charlie:
Okay.

Harry:
I could get the old bowler hat on and touch my bits.

Charlie:
But your partner would definitely know about this bowler hat and pants trick. So...

Harry:
If she gave it to me. For a present.

Charlie:
Okay. Yeah. If she sees that on, she'll probably run a mile if. But then that tells you. Ahh you were cheating. You don't want to admit.

Harry:
Yeah. She really shouldn't have bought me that hat and then had an affair.

Charlie:
No!

Harry:
She should have known I would wear it. I'd use it. I always use my presents, even if I don't like them. Don't get me a bowler hat.

Charlie:
Yeah. Good. You using that mask of mine?

Harry:
The night mask. I... This is. I'm ashamed to say I haven't used it yet. You know what I'm saving it for?

Charlie:
Okay.

Harry:
I'm saving it for when, I'm gonna take it next time I stay at someone's house because that's when I can't sleep. I find it hard to sleep in other people's houses anyway, but often the curtains aren't that good. Like in my bedroom, like they're blackout curtains. So it is really dark.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
And I'd rather not have something on my face when I'm sleeping.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
But it is really comfortable. And I do appreciate the eye mask and it is good and I will use it however I want to use it when there is light keeping me awake.

Charlie:
Good. Yes, I see that. I don't know if you've tried it yet with your hands down your pants, but I have heard it also has magical powers.

Harry:
Not being specific about the powers, just.

Charlie:
No, I haven't tried that one. Because I've got one, but it's a different one. And yeah, different magical powers for each mask.

Harry:
Okay. Because Stacey's got this one, hasn't she? Has she reported magical powers with her hands down her pants?

Charlie:
Yes. She said it speeds things up.

Harry:
Very good. Okay. I'll take that onboard. I'll get it out tonight and then report back.

Charlie:
Yeah. I don't know what your version does. Yeah, she was saying it's almost like you're living life in when you do x2 on a video. Yeah.

Harry:
Okay. Wow. Okay. Erotic video. I'll report back on that one. I definitely don't need things to be any quicker though. Not not gonna lie.

Charlie:
Good. It seems like I've got the hat on now. Okay, so the next one is a bit more close to home for me because my wife now, she is a loud popcorn cinema muncher. Imagine you're both watching a classic British film in the cinema or a classic film that you really enjoy. It's not one that you don't care about, and then someone near you starts eating popcorn very loudly with their mouth wide open. What do you do? Do you just... What would you do? I don't want to give you your options yet.

Harry:
First thing I would do is I would complain to the person I'm there with.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
I wouldn't go straight to them. And then I'd probably do a kind of glance at the person, look at them in slight disbelief. Just a, just a little kind of nudge. Not physically, just like a little glance over so they can realise, Oh, what I'm doing is maybe not normal.

Charlie:
Yes.

Harry:
Yeah. So show disapproval subtly.

Charlie:
Yes.

Harry:
That's, I think that's the way that British people would do it generally. Avoiding conflict.

Charlie:
It works. So I'm that person's partner. In Germany we were, I had this moment where we were behind two girls. Stacey was there chucking the popcorn in her mouth from a foot away and going *imitates eating popcorn*. Loving it. And I'm looking at her disgusted. And then these girls look over at her, disgusted. And she's not even, she's totally oblivious. She's just in a world of her own. She's staring at the screen and they make eye contact with me. And that was terrible because I knew the pain that they were going through and it was on me to tell my partner to shut it!

Harry:
Yeah, I can't believe you were putting up with that.

Charlie:
I know. I tell her now. I say, close your mouth. Come on, love, close your mouth. But then she looks at me annoyed. She's like, I want to enjoy my popcorn how I like to enjoy it. It doesn't taste as good with the mouth closed.

Harry:
What!

Charlie:
It's ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

Harry:
That's. Does she actually say, has she said those words before?

Charlie:
Yeah yeah.

Harry:
It doesn't taste as good with the mouth closed. Does she have bad table manners? Does she eat with her mouth open in general or is it just popcorn?

Charlie:
It's just popcorn. She just goes into this alter ego and she just turns into a monster.

Harry:
How funny. She just likes to shovel as much in as possible I guess. And having the mouth open is part of that.

Charlie:
I'm more of a full hand grabber and shovel, but she does one or two but rapidly and just constant top ups and doesn't even focus on the aim like a stereotypical gross popcorn eater.

Harry:
Yes. Yeah.

Charlie:
Very quick. Love it. Absolutely love her.

Harry:
That's interesting. Yeah. For many years to come. That's interesting. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I'm definitely like you. I pick up a handful and shovel them in. I don't see the point in just like several because it's so light that you get through a piece of popcorn so quickly, don't you?

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
So it just seems you're wasting energy doing all this one piece at a time.

Charlie:
If you were me, would you tell your partner?

Harry:
Yes. But it takes, I know I understand it takes a bit of time as well. You have to get to a certain point in the relationship. And so at that stage you'd been together for a while. Like you'd lived together in America. And now you're, you were in Germany at that time, but you still you didn't feel comfortable saying, Love can you... close your mouth.

Charlie:
No I did, but... But actually that was it. They were in such close proximity that I felt judged by saying that to her then. Do you know what I mean? Like, I had to. I felt like I should almost be loyal to her and be like, She's mine. She's fine. She's not mine. Yeah. No, I don't own her.

Harry:
She's mine. My property.

Charlie:
I'm with her. And yeah, we're in this together. So you turn around, you.

Harry:
Okay, I know what you mean. Yeah. And you have that loyalty. You want to stick up, it's nice that you considered that. You thought, yes, they are judging her. But she's my love. And I'm going to stand by her side.

Charlie:
Yeah. And then as soon as they leave, I'm gonna tell her my honest feelings. That was disgusting. What are you doing?

Harry:
Throw her under the bus.

Charlie:
Yeah. Yeah.

Harry:
You make me sick. Yeah. Sorry. What was the actual original dilemma? What would.

Charlie:
It was you hearing somebody eat a lot of popcorn. Would you confront them? You said you'd give them a look. If they continue and they get louder and louder?

Harry:
I think. Yeah, eventually I'd have to say something. Especially if I'm enjoying the film. Yeah. I can't stand it if people are loudly eating. Yeah. I went to the cinema once and there was a, like probably a teenager next to us and he was eating crisps and crisps are the worst thing, aren't they, in the cinema? Oh, the rustling of the crisp packet.

Charlie:
So loud. Yeah.

Harry:
So loud. And it's loud. The crisp packet itself is loud, but. And the eating is potentially even louder. Unless you're like me and you lick every individual crisp, which is going to make people sick listening to this. But I and that's actually with the risk of upsetting people and making people sick in the cinema. That's the way to eat a pack of crisps in the cinema, isn't it? If you want to be quiet, but also get the most out of every crisp, you should lick them.

Charlie:
I've not noticed that! You lick every crisp?

Harry:
I have been known to. I don't in company because it's disgusting. Unless I'm. If I'm at home with a good friend on my own or with a girlfriend or something, then I will... Sounds like I've got loads of girlfriends. I don't. I'll lick every crisp, Chaz. I love it. Especially prawn cocktail.

Charlie:
Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. Very dog-like to lick a crisp.

Harry:
Bog-like?

Charlie:
Dog-like.

Harry:
Oh, dog-like.

Charlie:
Yeah. Not bog-like. Lovely.

Harry:
Anyway, there was a boy eating crisps very loudly, and we were just looking at him in disapproval. We were like, Come on. Yeah, this is ridiculous. But he was younger, so it's easier to confront a teenager.

Charlie:
Oh, okay. Yes, it is. But then any younger than a teenager and you feel rude to, you'd have to go to the parent.

Harry:
That's probably the way, right?

Charlie:
Yeah. But then that's...

Harry:
I think in the end, one of the managers came over and had to tell him.

Charlie:
Wow! What, the manager heard it from all the way outside?

Harry:
Sometimes they go down the rows, don't they? To check everything's okay. I think they heard a bit of crisp rustling commotion and they came over and thought, okay, we've got to step in here.

Charlie:
Yeah, let's check the booklet of what to say here. Please just lick and not.

Harry:
Yeah, they should do that in a little advert before. When they tell you to turn your phones off. They should say lick your crisps. If you do have crisps on you, make sure you lick them and make sure the packet is open before the film starts. Because opening a pack. My God.

Charlie:
Very good etiquette there. Yes, open before, open during trailers and then lick and then maybe drop and just leave it under your seat. A whole packet of licked crisps. Yeah. Lovely for the...

Harry:
Oh drop! No, the good thing about licking Charlie is it makes the whole crisp. You can almost just swallow it whole from that point because it's so soggy. You just put it in and it melts on the tongue. That's another option. If you don't want to lick, which is disgusting cause you've got to handle the crisp from around the edge. What you can do, what you can do if you don't like that option is it doesn't work if you're having conversation, but you shouldn't be talking during a film anyway. Just put the crisp on your tongue. Let it set.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
And enjoy that flavour. Enjoy that intense prawn cocktail or salt and vinegar flavour melting on your tongue.

Charlie:
You're a very mindful crisp consumer.

Harry:
I am. Always have been.

Charlie:
What do you feel about people talking in the film? Because we went to Oppenheimer recently and I've got to admit, you did ask a few questions throughout. You said, what? What's going on now? What did she say? Yeah, who's he?

Harry:
Who's that? There were so many names, weren't there?

Charlie:
There were.

Harry:
I didn't know who was who. I didn't know who I was by the end of that film. It was so complicated, but it was brilliant. But at times sometimes I'll suffer in silence. But if it is a complicated film and you're with someone, and you think, Oh, maybe they caught this bit better than I did. I don't mind asking. So as long as the conversation is related to the film and it's, it's helping us to understand the film better and get more out of the experience, then I'm okay. I'm in favour of a little bit of that. As long as it's quiet, it's a good kind of volume, then it's okay. If you're just talking about, I don't know, your night out or something or how many packs of crisps you had over the weekend, then no. I'm not. I don't think it's, it's okay.

Charlie:
So you lean over and you say, excuse me, is that conversation contextually relevant right now?

Harry:
Exactly.

Charlie:
And they say, yes, I'm just talking about the, the ending. Don't spoil it for the rest of us. You may have seen it already, but we haven't. Do you remember when I reached over to you and I said, what did she say? And you laughed and you said I was going to ask you. I had no idea. Or I said, she said two words. And you were like I didn't even get that.

Harry:
Yeah, exactly. It's like, what if what? And I was like, Oh, what if. Oh, I didn't. I missed that bit. Thank you. Thank you for filling me in on those two words. It was hard. It was so hard. It was very political. And they were speaking really quickly and mumbling a lot. And they were American, so the odds were against us. It was hard to, it was hard to follow at times, but it was great. It was amazing. I loved it.

Charlie:
I do feel for elderly people. I think if we're struggling at our age to understand a fast paced film and I don't mean fast paced as in the production of that, but the modern day take on a film is generally a little faster than it used to be 30, 40 years ago, isn't it? I can imagine that when we're old, we'll really struggle.

Harry:
Yeah, definitely.

Charlie:
Don't you think?

Harry:
Definitely. Yeah.

Charlie:
Going back before we go on to the next one, I just remembered, when I said if it's a child making the noise you've got to approach the parent. When we were in a pantomime when I was a little boy, I remember this moment at the end of the pantomime. A man, very big man, stood up at the end of it in front of me and turned around to me really aggressively, saw how young I was, and then started on my father. He started on him for not controlling his child. Apparently I had been kicking his seat all the way through the pantomime and I had no idea. All the way home and for the rest of my life I've been contemplating whether I had been kicking his seat. I may have moved a few times because I was a bit uncomfortable, but I don't think I was. But obviously I had been. And so, yeah, he started on my dad and he had to, my dad had to deal with it.

Harry:
He actually started a fight?

Charlie:
He was, he was getting in his face. Yeah.

Harry:
No. Wow.

Charlie:
Yeah! In front of all the kids!

Harry:
When he said, you've been kicking my seat, did you say, Oh, no, I haven't!

Charlie:
He's behind you! That's right. It's me. Yeah.

Harry:
I can't believe that. I'd love to see your dad in that situation. I bet he handled it very well.

Charlie:
He did. He did handle it well. Yeah. Being six foot four does help.

Harry:
As soon as he stood up, your dad was, did the other guy back down? Was he like, Actually, I need to pick my battles more carefully.

Charlie:
That guy was pretty big. So he could have probably had my dad, but my dad was on the tier above him, so that helped even more. So he probably looked seven foot.

Harry:
Okay. Yeah. Good.

Charlie:
Okay. Ready for the next awkward dilemma? The fake accent dilemma.

Charlie:
We have come to the end of part one, so feel free to take a break from your listening practice, but if you're happy to keep going, then we're now moving on to part two of this episode. Thanks so much for being a premium or Academy member and enjoy the rest of the show.

Charlie:
You start talking to your friend in an outrageous fake accent on a night out, and then you bump into an aggressive looking guy who genuinely has that accent. Do you come clean or keep up the act?

Harry:
That's a good one. That's a really good one. Oh, man. I wouldn't trust my ability to keep up the accent. And I'm not very good at lying. So, like, he would quickly see through my lies, I think, so. I reckon I'd probably come clean. I'd just randomly stop with the accent and just hope they didn't question anything. Or maybe I would. I would do two accents so I'd speak to this new guy in my normal accent and then the other guy I'd been doing a fake accent to, then I'd keep it up with them. But why on earth have I been out all night doing a fake funny accent?

Charlie:
No imagine. I think we've probably pretended to be Aussie together. Just being ridiculous. And then imagine an, an aggressive Aussie comes over and he's like, Oh, you're from Australias too as well, mate?

Harry:
Australias.

Charlie:
Where are you from, mate?

Harry:
Do you reckon we'd pass for Australian? So much so that in a real...

Charlie:
I mean I could get my passport out.

Harry:
You could. You could definitely get your passport out. They didn't even request it. You just got it out. I am Australian. I'm actually Australian. So if you think my accent is fucking stupid, then you've got another thing coming.

Charlie:
Yeah. They're coming over to you for comfort in a foreign land. They're like, Oh, you're one of us. What if their whole rugby team comes over and is like, Oh, it's another Australian!

Harry:
Fucking hell. No, no, I don't want to end up in that situation. I'd quickly come clean as quick as possible. Earlier the better.

Charlie:
But wouldn't they be annoyed?

Harry:
I don't want to be invited on a night out. No, they're Australians.

Charlie:
What if it's a culturally insensitive accent that you're pulling off?

Harry:
In which case they probably wouldn't be okay with it in the first place.

Charlie:
Yeah, that's true. Yeah. So you'd come clean?

Harry:
Yeah, I think I'd come clean.

Charlie:
Fair enough.

Harry:
I think I'd come clean. Yeah. I can't imagine keeping. It's quite exhausting keeping up an accent for a long time as well.

Charlie:
It is.

Harry:
Yeah. You're a trained actor. Actress.

Charlie:
Yeah. If it was Australian, I'd probably try to do it and then make up a reason for leaving very quickly. Gotta go, mate.

Harry:
Gotta go. Got a Barbie to be at.

Charlie:
Yeah. Okay nice.

Harry:
Just get out of there. If you had to put on an accent for a whole evening, which one do you think you could do most effortlessly?

Charlie:
I remember earlier in our YouTube days, I did an Italki sponsored one pretending to be French, speaking English.

Harry:
I remember.

Charlie:
And that felt comfortable. I don't know if you think it was good, but. And again, that's not an accent. That's more of a French person speaking English but.

Harry:
That's an accent. It's a French accent.

Charlie:
I suppose so, yeah. I felt okay with that. I don't know why but that seemed a bit easier than most other ones.

Harry:
That's interesting. Yeah. Had you had a lot of practice doing that? It seemed quite natural.

Charlie:
No, I didn't really rehearse it too much. Yeah. Can you do a French person speaking English?

Harry:
No.

Charlie:
He's a performer, that guy, isn't he?

Harry:
Yeah. Give me a line to say.

Charlie:
Excuse me. Is that my croissant?

Harry:
Excuse me. Is that my croissant?

Charlie:
Yeah. Excuse me. Is this my croissant?

Harry:
Excuse me. You're good! It's all about the...fillers.

Charlie:
It's quite easy to elongate.

Harry:
Yeah, it's all that, isn't it?

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
I'm not very good at that, actually. Not very good at doing. Yeah. Foreign accents.

Charlie:
You're good at Scottish.

Harry:
It's quite hard.

Charlie:
I remember that.

Harry:
I can do. Yeah, I can do. Yeah. Different like English accents.

Charlie:
Ooh that would be a good one to test this awkward dilemma on. A Scottish person comes up to you excited to see where you're from. You've been pretending to be Scottish. Would you carry on? You've got your kilt on because you've got a kilt.

Harry:
Wearing a kilt.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
As I do. Why not? Yeah, wearing my kilt. And I'm doing a Scottish accent.

Charlie:
You've just done a...

Harry:
I think

Charlie:
...a performance with your dad. He's done the bagpipes, you've done the bongos, you've got your kilt on. You're loving life.

Harry:
The Scottish bongos. Yeah, I think I would like to put the, put my abilities to the test and see if I can pass the Scotsman. I don't even know what my Scottish accent is. There'll be lots of Scottish accents. Mine's just generic. I don't even know what part of Scotland it pertains to, but I would just. Yeah, I'd like to do it just to see if I could pass as a Scotsman, see if I could convince someone. That'd be interesting.

Charlie:
I think a Scottish person would also forgive you. If you tried and then failed. You're like, Oh, I was only trying to fit in. Sorry.

Harry:
Imagine a Scottish person did that with us. If we were up there and they were just randomly talking with a British accent and how would you take it? It would be quite funny, I guess it would be.

Charlie:
Yes, it would be quite funny. But this is a thing that I've started to appreciate. I don't know if you have thought about it at all. I think the reason that we feel comfortable is because we've got a history of being the oppressors. We're the British Empire. We've come in and conquered and made them live our life. If it was the other way round, if somebody had come in and taken over and taken away our language and accent, potentially we might be a bit more upset about it.

Harry:
It's very true. Yeah.

Charlie:
Probably why we don't find it offensive.

Harry:
Yeah, that's the good thing about being the oppressors.

Charlie:
You can laugh at your own accent.

Harry:
Yeah, it's a very good point. I think that would come into it.

Charlie:
I think we've got time for one more. I'm just going to choose my favourite out of the seven more we've got. Yeah, let's go with this one. Okay. The elevator etiquette.

Charlie:
We have come to the end of part two now. So again, feel free to pause the episode to take a break from your listening practice and come back to the last part when you're ready. Alright. So moving on to part three now. Enjoy.

Charlie:
You're in a lift with a stranger and accidentally let out a potent bit of gas. What do you do?

Harry:
Do I fess up and say, Just let out a gust?

Charlie:
And this stranger is an attractive female.

Harry:
Oh, plot thickens.

Charlie:
You had caught eye contact with on the way in. You were hoping something might happen.

Harry:
Oh, I guess maybe just engage them. There's no way I could just stand there in my own stench and not acknowledge something. Or at least. Or just have a conversation to ignore the elephant in the room. The elephant being my fart.

Charlie:
Yeah. To clear the air.

Harry:
Exactly. Clear the air. I'd probably say something. I'd be like, Oh, y'alright? I wouldn't be like, Oh no I have a confession to make.

Charlie:
I think that's a good line. I have a confession to make. Father, I have sinned.

Harry:
What would she say? If I just turned to her, we've not said anything. Neither of us have said anything. We just we met eyes briefly. And I just turned to her and say, I have a confession to make.

Charlie:
Oh, it would be great, though, if you said. Was that you?

Harry:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Look there's only two of us in here, and it wasn't me. So come on.

Charlie:
But thinking about it. Creating dialogue about it. If you know you did it and you're confessing, what are they going to say? That's so awkward for them to respond to. What would they say? Oh, that's alright.

Harry:
It is awkward.

Charlie:
Maybe just silence. Just get through it.

Harry:
Just go with silence. Yeah, Get through it.

Charlie:
You floor 12?

Harry:
Never speak of it again. Floor 12, is it? Yeah.

Charlie:
I'm getting out on 13.

Harry:
And she'll say no. I've already been floored. I think. Yeah, it's a really tough one. I've not been in that situation. I've definitely farted in an enclosed space with other people. Like an aeroplane, for example. You've farted on an aeroplane, right?

Charlie:
Do you openly fart on an aeroplane?

Harry:
Because your, your bum is against the seat, normally it doesn't sound. It doesn't make any sound. It just creeps out.

Charlie:
This is a definite yes if you've got this information to report.

Harry:
I have? Yeah, I have. Yeah. And you've got the air con circulating the odour so it would dissipate quite fast.

Charlie:
Okay. I've heard that groundsman. Is it groundsman? The people that work on the airport landing strip or not the landing strip, would be clobbered.

Harry:
They do, no when there's no planes on it. They're there, aren't they?

Charlie:
Yeah. Clear the runway. Get off the runway, Jack! No. When they...

Harry:
Grounds maintenance?

Charlie:
Grounds maintenance. Yeah, nice. When they bring the stairs to the door and they open the door, I've heard that it's a real *poof* of horrible-ness for them because all this, humans have just been letting rip. And then that smell. I think we're all getting used to the insane amount of, I guess the filtering does help it. But yeah, we're all human. I don't now. I find it hard to do that. And now every flight I get very uncomfortable in the stomach and then I'm uncomfortable for the rest of the day pretty much until *pooof*, no I'm joking. When I get into that lift. Oh, watch out.

Harry:
Oh, dear. So you don't want to get caught in a lift with Charlie after a flight, then?

Charlie:
Yeah. Post-flight. Terrible.

Harry:
Yeah, I've not thought about that. The stench that would come out when you open the that door because they get a big rush of air, don't they?

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
Pressure.

Charlie:
Lovely stuff.

Harry:
Yeah.

Charlie:
So you're saying something to the pretty girl?

Harry:
I yeah, it depends on the situation and the vibe in the lift I think. Yeah. I don't want, I would hold it if I could, but if it's out and then it depends on how I think she would react. I might say something. I might not. It depends. If I think there's a chance that she might be interested in me, then I'd acknowledge it. I'd say, I've got a confession to make, because it might be, it should be a funny interaction. So...

Charlie:
I've got a confession to make.

Harry:
You've got to just.

Charlie:
I like you. Do you like my gass?

Harry:
Yeah, exactly. If you do, you can accept me at my worst. Therefore, you deserve me at my best.

Charlie:
If someone came in at that moment to diffuse the blame, would you keep stum?

Harry:
Oh, yeah. Maybe. I'd probably have a cheeky grin on my face. Oh, someone's... what's happened here!

Charlie:
Imagine. Imagine someone comes in. You've just done it. It's starting to smell and you're standing behind her. Could you point to her when you make eye contact with the...

Harry:
With the guy who's just walked in? It was her. It was that hottie. Oh, yeah. What would you do?

Charlie:
I think I'd probably be really awkward and not say anything and just die for the rest of the day.

Harry:
Okay.

Charlie:
And replay it and say, I probably should have said what you've just said. Yeah.

Harry:
And if it's Stacey? If it's you, Stacey and another person? And Stacey does a pretty... She lets one rip?

Charlie:
No!

Harry:
What would you do?

Charlie:
It's a horrible thought. I'd take one for the team. I'd say sorry guys. Yeah.

Harry:
Really?

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
Oh, you're a good husband.

Charlie:
Yeah. You've got to do that.

Harry:
Apart from all the affairs. A good husband.

Charlie:
Yeah, yeah. Jilt her, but say it was me when it was her.

Harry:
No, good for you.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
Good man.

Charlie:
But there we go. Alright, we've got some more, but we will leave it there for today. Thank you very much for lending me your time on a precious Saturday that we are recording this on. Have you got much planned for the rest of the weekend?

Harry:
Yeah, I'm going to a football match today actually. I'm going to see Bedford Town FC.

Charlie:
Can I come?!

Harry:
Against Walthamstow in the FA Cup.

Charlie:
Wow.

Harry:
Yeah. We should go and see a game sometime, actually.

Charlie:
Yeah, we should.

Harry:
A shit game. So it's not too expensive. Cause they are ridiculously expensive. This was £10. It's an FA cup game.

Charlie:
What time? Can I come?

Harry:
No, it's three... three o'clock?

Charlie:
I'll get on the road now.

Harry:
Bedford?

Charlie:
I could be with you by two. Nice. Alright.

Harry:
Alright, see you there.

Charlie:
Meet you at the local for a pint before?

Harry:
I'll see you at my local.

Charlie:
Yeah. And get the, get the burger at the burger truck that says 'Best burger in the world'. They often say that, don't they?

Harry:
Oh, yeah. They're rough burgers aren't they, at football games.

Charlie:
I remember that moment in life when I went to a rugby game with my dad and it was the first time I realised that marketing is what marketing is. It's a lie because it was a sausage, a hot dog, and it said 'Best hot dog in the world' and I looked at my dad, I said, Oh my God, we can get the best hot dog in the world. We had it. It was crap. And I was enlightened to what marketing is.

Harry:
Oh dear. Marketing is all a lie. Don't say that too loud.

Charlie:
No.

Harry:
Not for your podcast. Don't unsubscribe from the newsletter guys.

Charlie:
The best British podcast there is. But yeah, thank you very much, Harry. Much love as always and hopefully see you soon.

Charlie:
But well done for listening to the end of this one guys. Much love and see you again soon. Bye bye Harry.

Charlie:
There we go. The end of part three, meaning the end of the episode. Well done for getting through the entirety of it. Make sure you use all of the resources available to you in your membership. Thanks once again for supporting the show and I look forward to seeing you next time on the British English podcast.