Transcript of How Awkwardly British Are You?

Charlie:
Oh. Oh! Hello there. Sorry. Uh, yeah, just sorry to say, but we. We have an episode for you today that focuses on how bloody awkward British people are. I got Harry back on the mic to discuss how innately awkward we are or or well nurtured into it we are, and to see how we compare to the British stereotype of awkwardness. Has my decade of living outside of the UK made me less awkward? And does Harry have what it takes to shake off the stereotype that British boys really can't dance? This conversation reveals all and more. So sit down. No. What is it? Sit... sit back. Yes, sit back. No, sorry. Not there. That seat's taken. Sorry apo... apologies, but. Yeah, You can sit there. Yes, sit there. Sit back. That's it. Sit back, relax and prepare to feel awkward. Hmm. No, you can't relax and feel awkward at the same time. No. Oh, screw it. Just enjoy another episode of the British English podcast with me, your host, Charlie Baxter, and today's guest, Harry Giles. So I thought we would do a quiz on how awkwardly British we are. And I looked at the, like, multiple choice answers and there's a little bit of pop culture in them, and I'm sure we can have a chinwag around those kind of topics as we go. So how awkwardly British do you think you are, Harry?

Harry:
Not the most awkwardly British, but I think I am awkwardly British. I think a lot of the typical things that are complained about when interacting with with English people, I think I'm guilty of a lot... a lot of them. Yeah. Especially the one like how socially inflexible we are, you know, like everything's got to be planned with plenty of notice. Like if something I don't like, if he would just turn up at my house, like, I wouldn't, I'd prefer some, some notice and I do, I do consider myself spontaneous sometimes. However, I do like to know what what I'm doing and when. Yeah, sometimes a bit socially inflexible, [Right] Especially if it's not someone I, you know, I'm dying to see.

Charlie:
So basically, I'm really British because I don't like strangers that I don't like coming to my door and assuming that I'm going to spend time with them.

Harry:
No, you know, these friends who, like, not your not your, not your closest friends...

Charlie:
Not gonna name names...

Harry:
...you hang out with.

Charlie:
James.

Harry:
Yeah. People you hang out with sometimes and it's like, you know, you have... You have a a decent time. Not, not an amazing time. Like you might go and get a bit of food with them on a Tuesday night.

Charlie:
Yeah. You don't let them be part of your weekend.

Harry:
Yeah. Yeah. They're not. Yeah. They're not weekend worthy.

Charlie:
Nice. Yeah I know what you mean.

Harry:
You'd rather spend a whole weekend alone than with them.

Charlie:
What are you doing on the weekend? Loads. Nothing.

Harry:
Actually very busy right now playing my bongo.

Charlie:
All right, so apparently we've got a media soundboard, and I'm going to play it to transition into the quiz. Are you ready for it?

Harry:
I'm ready.

Charlie:
Question number one, you're meeting a few mates at the pub for a couple of drinks and the first to arrive. What do you do? Stand outside and wait for a friend to turn up so you can go in together? Go in and find a table, but don't get a drink until someone else arrives. Put your jacket on a seat to reserve a table and then head straight to the bar. Text all your mates to ask what they want and get a round in or find a table but then just stare intently at your phone so that everyone knows you have friends.

Harry:
Well. What I do. I definitely don't go and get a table. I don't think that's a very... What I do is I go straight to the bar. I rarely wait outside unless I know of a mate is just about to turn up. I might do that. Otherwise I'll go in. I'll have a quick look around, see if they're there. And then I'll just go to the bar. I'll go to the bar.

Charlie:
Go to the bar. I would possibly text them saying, if it's just one friend, I would possibly text them saying, What beer do you want? Or What do you want.

Harry:
Sure. What are you having?

Charlie:
If they're near.

Harry:
Yes. Yeah, I think I'd... Yeah, I think I'd probably do the same. Yeah, but if I didn't know and they're going to, they might be a little while then maybe not, like I'd rather get a fresh pint. [Agreed] I'd rather it be, you know, freshly poured rather than sitting there for 15 minutes.

Charlie:
Oh, yeah. 15 minutes. No way. Just they're two or 3 minutes away. I'll get you a beer and then I'll put them in a nice place and I'll sit with mine. Nurse mine. I won't drink it fast.

Harry:
Yeah.

Charlie:
Would you get your phone out then?

Harry:
Oh, I'd definitely have a look at my phone, I'm sure. I would probably... I find it's a bit... I feel a bit embarrassed if I just sit down and start looking at my phone because I'm quite self-conscious and I think other people are looking at me thinking, Oh, look, he's on his own and he's looking at his phone so that he doesn't look lonely and bored.

Charlie:
That's amazing. That's amazing because I would never go to the next level of that. I would just think I should probably look at my phone soon because I'm... I probably look a bit weird just looking out and like, being mindful.

Harry:
That's true. That's another thing that that's another thought that would definitely go through my head too. But that's, that's a nice thing to do, isn't it, To sit there and be mindful. I think that's the ideal thing that I would try to do. And I think that is generally more... It's nice, isn't it, sitting down with a drink in a nice place. Plenty of things to look at unless you're sitting in Wetherspoons in Bedford, you know, there's plenty to look at and take in and it's a nice chance to just enjoy some quiet time for you with a nice drink. So.

Charlie:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Harry:
What about you then? What? What would you do?

Charlie:
Yeah, so I would, I would go in, have a little look around. If they're not there, go to the bar, text them, And the barman is probably asking me if I want another beer or not at the time when I need to know. So it'd be a bit, a bit awkward then and then. Yeah. Either get them or not if they reply quickly and then go out and meditate.

Harry:
Nice. Put on some soft chanting.

Charlie:
I'd probably go on my phone for a bit, then get annoyed with the apps and think they're so shit and then put it down and then yeah, come back to my beer and my mindfulness. Yes, but what do you think quiz is implying by awkwardly British? What do you think the the most awkwardly British answer would be? But there were quite a few options there. And so I'm [there were] wondering if you can remember all of them.

Harry:
Oh, right. Oh, okay. I see what you're saying. I guess just have you got a good memory. [Yeah]. I was thinking though, so a couple of them were quite British things to do. I think getting a round in for, for your mates before is probably the most applaudably English thing you could do when going to a... I don't know if applaudably is a word, but the most applauded thing you could do when going to a... going to a bar. I think that's... you know you'd accumulate lad points for doing that kind of thing and... But I was thinking the least British thing to do would be going just going straight to a table without, without a drink. Just getting a table and putting your coat down. [Yeah] That seems a very un-British thing.

Charlie:
I really agree. Really, really agree. And I think a lot of non-natives would do that because it's a natural thing to do. I don't know, at a casual restaurant maybe, But it's just not pub culture, is it?

Harry:
No, exactly. Yeah. We are talking about pubs and bars aren't we? [Yeah. Pub] I guess a bar bar's a little bit different but Yeah. To the bar. And what else was it. So going and getting a drink or waiting outside. Like waiting outside. I don't know if that's a part of being British. It's just... Well, I guess it indicates a bit of social awkwardness and unconfidence. So I guess that could be quite British. I don't know. I just think that's a very normal thing that people do sometimes, isn't it, when they meet up with people. Wait outside the bar.

Charlie:
Yeah, wait outside. So this is a pub. Would you wait outside a pub? I mean, you said you wouldn't, but do you see other people waiting outside?

Harry:
I guess it depends on the pub. If it's like a little cosy pub, then I don't know! If it's like a busy pub, like it's a bit more awkward walking in on your own.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
Into... It could be a bit more daunting for people. Whereas if it's a big pub, lots of space and there aren't too many people in, then you might be more inclined to do so. [Yeah] Not sure. Not sure. Do you see people doing that?

Charlie:
I don't think I do. No. I think with big busy venues you might see them waiting because they don't want to interrupt the flow of like, you know, sitting people down with staff and like restaurants and only having 2 hours at the table maybe. But a pub, I feel like everyone would just go in and then get a, get a drink and then wait for their friend.

Harry:
Yeah, Yeah. I guess most people would.

Charlie:
Find a table, stare at your phone or get a round in?

Harry:
As in the most the most British thing?

Charlie:
What you would choose.

Harry:
Oh, right. I'm getting a round in.

Charlie:
You're getting a round in.

Harry:
Getting a round or getting myself a drink. Most likely I'd go to the bar, get myself a drink or someone else a drink. That's what I'd do.

Charlie:
Okay. Okay, cool.

Harry:
Most awkwardly British thing to do? I don't even know. What do you think?

Charlie:
I think the most awkward British thing is hidden. I don't see it. I really don't see it because I feel like the awkward thing is not British. It's not part of pub culture. I'm not saying British as in like Brits are exclusive to this, but yeah. Anyway, all right, we've we've done that one. So let's go on to the next one. Maybe we do transition two for per question. Can you dance? Harry, can you dance? Options coming. Not until you ply me with booze, after which, I will go way over the top and then cringe about it the next morning.

Harry:
No way.

Charlie:
Can you dance? No. And I don't. Can you dance? Yeah. I'm frickin awesome. Which we need to address, the language there.

Harry:
Oh, that's gone very extreme already.

Charlie:
Can you dance?

Harry:
It's gone from not dancing. Sorry.

Charlie:
Yeah, I know what you mean. Can you dance? After a couple of drinks, I will awkwardly bob up and down and may move my arms a bit. And then the last one. Can you dance? I could do Night Fever and the sprinkler.

Harry:
There was no option like the sprink.... Sorry what? What's the sprinkler?

Charlie:
Sprinkler is, you know that chug chug chug....

Harry:
Oh of course, the sprinkler.

Charlie:
How to put that into words. So you're raising one arm and you're pretending to be a garden sprinkler that disperses water evenly throughout the grass. And you're going across your body laterally and making mini pointing kind of movements.

Harry:
Oh, yeah. You do that, don't you? Just point.

Charlie:
Yeah, kind of.

Harry:
Point the finger up and down. [Yeah]. Yeah. Think of Night Fever.

Charlie:
But no, they're two different things. They're Night fever. I can do Night Fever and the sprinkler. So you've got two dance moves up your sleeve.

Harry:
Well, if you're dancing to Night Fever, you don't do that the whole time. Part of Night Fever is doing the sprinkler. Dung dung dung...

Charlie:
Oh, no, that's not the sprinkler. That's not the sprinkler. No, the sprinkler is like a modern dance of, like, you know, uni boys just being twats, you know, like the lawnmower or the light bulb.

Harry:
Oh, I see. Oh, I don't. So I really don't know these dance moves. I don't know them. Maybe... Oh, God. Oh, that's awful. I just cringed massively seeing you do that. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah, I was thinking this.

Charlie:
Yeah, I see what you mean. Great for audio, this.

Harry:
Yeah. [Okay], just explain it really detailed every time.

Charlie:
Okay. So I want to go back to some of the language. No, until you ply me with booze. That's great.

Harry:
Hmm. Yeah, that's really good. Yeah. I never use the word ply.

Charlie:
Even though you're a carpenter.

Harry:
I like it. Even though I'm a carpenter.

Charlie:
So. Yeah. To ply somebody with something is to provide a huge amount of something with them. And then booze, alcohol.

Harry:
Frickin.

Charlie:
Yeah. And then the other one. Yeah. I'm frickin awesome. This is incredibly Americanised. How would we say that?

Harry:
Bloody brilliant. I'm bloody great.

Charlie:
Yeah, Bloody brilliant. Bloody great. Pretty bloody good.

Harry:
Pretty bloody good. Yeah. Basically it's a more toned down version when we say it.

Charlie:
Yes and just swap frickin [frickin awesome!] with bloody.

Harry:
But some, some English people might say frickin but you do find a lot of English people that kind of go in for these Americanisms [Yeah] who really love American culture and they use a lot of American phrases and stuff. [Yeah]. Awesome. My brother uses the word awesome.

Charlie:
Awesome is is used quite a lot, I think. Yeah.

Harry:
It is isn't it.

Charlie:
So yeah. And then the other one to bob up and down. To Bob up and down.

Harry:
Boop, boop, boop.

Charlie:
Again, for audio, it's to go up and down casually in quick succession or slow?

Harry:
As if you're like in water. [Yes]. Like a like a buoy, like a float, like a floating buoy. B U O Y in the water, that bobs up and down, doesn't it?

Charlie:
Yes, exactly. And the pronunciation in American it's a 'bui' really a 'bui' [a 'bui'?] 'Bui'.

Harry:
'Bui'? Oh right.

Charlie:
It's quite fun, isn't it? 'Bui. Bui'. I think Australians say it as well, 'bui'. But yeah, we just call it a buoy.

Harry:
At least that eliminates the confusion because we... It's a good like pun to use. Or you can make a lot of jokes if you're on the beach about swim over and grab that boy.

Charlie:
If you told...

Harry:
You can play around.

Charlie:
Funny that you could say that to an American person. They would be very worried.

Harry:
Yeah, they would just assume you're a paedophile or as they say, 'pedophile'.

Charlie:
Yeah, very good. Right. So any of those options interesting for you personally?

Harry:
So I feel like it was missing out a couple of important options. Like I wouldn't describe myself as any of those, to be honest. And sadly the most I would lean towards I'm frickin awesome, but actually I don't think I'm frickin awesome. What I want to say is I have good rhythm and I like dancing and I don't need to be hammered. I don't need to be really drunk to to have a dance. So a couple of drinks, I'll start moving around. But for me, it really depends on who I'm with. I'll dance after no drinks if I'm with the right company, but most of my mates are quite inhibited when it comes to dancing. So annoyingly I have to kind of be at their level of drunkenness to dance, otherwise they won't dance.

Charlie:
That's really interesting. I like that. That says quite a lot about our culture. Generally, we've got bad rhythm and we don't feel comfortable dancing unless we are absolutely blotto or plied with booze. I think I need...

Harry:
I could definitely get you dancing.

Charlie:
You can get me dancing. But I do feel more comfortable with a couple of drinks in me and I will awkwardly bob up and down until I've got at least three or four drinks in me, I'd say. What you said made me think of the moment at uni, and I think you were going on a on a date with a girl friend at the time. And the night was going well. And then you went into a bar slash club and somebody made a comment about your dancing and it put you in a really bad mood and it ruined the date. Do you remember this? You remember this?

Harry:
No, I don't remember that. I was on the date with Emma Rose Tully.

Charlie:
Okay. Yeah. Full name? Yeah. What's her credit card?

Harry:
I just love. I love that name. In Nottingham?

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
And someone commented on my dance moves?

Charlie:
Yes. In a negative way. I think you heard them say that that guy can't dance and you got really affected by it. And then you got into an argument with her. You know, this is over a decade ago. You've got some skills now.

Harry:
I don't remember that time, but I remember going out. Maybe I was with someone I was seeing. But my friend Rachelle, she made a comment about my dancing and it and she was like mocking my dancing and imitating me. And I remember it really rubs me up the wrong way. And I yeah, I felt awkward dancing after that. It killed my vibe.

Charlie:
It killed your vibe. That's a good phrase for that. Yeah. It killed my vibe.

Harry:
It's a nice thing to do. You know, if someone's doing a dance move to, like, mirror their... their move. I think it's quite... It's quite fun. Like on the dance floor. You shouldn't take yourself too seriously. So maybe that was my mistake. I was taking myself too seriously because now I love having a dance. But I don't do it enough when I go out. Like the other week, I there was a band on in my local pub and they were... There were like two girls dancing and like, there weren't that many people around, but the music was great and they were having such a nice time and I really wanted to go and dance. But I was with someone that would just never, ever do it. And if I did it, it would be such a weird social thing to do, cos like, it just wasn't... It wasn't our vibe. But I really wanted to. Yeah, it was. It was. I was kind of torn between do I just go and live, or do I sit here and be miserable with this bastard?

Charlie:
But I can imagine you downing your your pint that was paid for by you so that you can then say, All right, next one's yours. And then he goes up to the bar and you can just run off to the dance floor, get a couple of minutes in with them... Doing the sprinkler.

Harry:
Very good idea. Next time. Next time.

Charlie:
You're frickin awesome. Okay, fair enough.

Harry:
Well, only because there's no better option. It's more suiting. I don't think I'm frickin awesome, but I think I can dance. And I like... I like dancing. I just. I wish I had or put myself in more places where I could dance. I... I want to get back to going to dance classes, you know, because I was doing salsa dancing for a while. And yeah, I want to start doing that again.

Charlie:
Nice.

Harry:
That'd be nice.

Charlie:
And you've got your bongos that must keep your tap... Your foot tapping and the rest of your body wanting to get into it all.

Harry:
Big time.

Charlie:
Big time. Yeah. Okay, the next question. Question number three. High five question mark? And the response: High five! Or Oh, okay, fine. But as long as we awkwardly do it again after we inevitably mess up the first one. High five begrudgingly, high five or high five. Fuck off.

Harry:
It depends again who's offering the high five? Me and you have definitely high fived each other incredibly enthusiastically before [Yes] having just finished something, maybe just recording a video or something. High five.

Charlie:
Yes.

Harry:
Like I'm sure...

Charlie:
We are mocking... We are mocking it though.

Harry:
I think we are mocking it. But we're loving it, too.

Charlie:
Absolutely loving it. Yeah. But I think...

Harry:
No better like way of celebrating camaraderie than through high five.

Charlie:
And a kiss.

Harry:
In my opinion, or a big kiss on the lips.

Charlie:
And a stroke of each other's facial hair.

Harry:
Oh, yeah. I'd love to stroke your facial hair. [Fuck off!] Yeah. [Yeah]. So I would sometimes really go in for a high five, but, yeah, it's always done with a hint of irony, because, let's face it, high fives are sad.

Charlie:
Again, this is cultural because Americans bloody love it. And there's there's no like, well, I'm stereotyping, obviously. That's what the whole thing is. But a lot of Americans are very comfortable with that feeling [Hmm] that we would class as cheesy and uncomfortable.

Harry:
Yeah. Yeah. They are the creators of cheese, aren't they? Yeah, they invented cheese.

Charlie:
Yeah. Uh, well, the French did.

Harry:
Not cheese. I'm not talking about cheese. Yeah.

Charlie:
I don't know if the French did. Who? Who'd you reckon invented the cheese or cheese? Surely. Everyone. Everywhere.

Harry:
What, actual cheese?

Charlie:
Yeah. Cows.

Harry:
I... That's. Yeah, that's beyond me. I don't know.

Charlie:
Where.

Harry:
I did buy some very nice cheeses the other day. I bought, I bought a. Oh was it Stanford blue. Was it Stratford Blue? Stan... I think it was Stanford blue. Bloody lovely. It's like Stilton, but better.

Charlie:
Very nice. Wow.

Harry:
No, it's not Stanford.

Charlie:
8000 B.C. is according to the first Google is when they think that they found sheep cheese. So it wasn't even the cow.

Harry:
And it wasn't even the goat.

Charlie:
Mehhh! [Sheep cheese!] That could have been either. Yeah.

Harry:
You never hear people talking about sheep cheese, do you?

Charlie:
No. No, you don't.

Harry:
Yeah, there's goat's cheese.

Charlie:
There is. There's goat's cheese.

Harry:
It's quite similar to goat's cheese because they are quite they're, they're.

Charlie:
They sound the same, so surely they should taste the same.

Harry:
You know. I mean, they're like cousins, aren't they. Sheep and goats. They're like of the same ilk.

Charlie:
Yeah. It's probably why they don't marry each other.

Harry:
Yeah, Yeah.

Charlie:
First cousins. Okay, So what are we doing? Begrudgingly?

Harry:
Cut from the same cloth. That's the phrase I like. Sorry. Go on.

Charlie:
Cut from the same cloth of wool.

Harry:
Oh, I see. Mm hmm.

Charlie:
Not sure if that works.

Harry:
Nice. Definitely a worthwhile contribution.

Charlie:
It's not, though, because goats don't have wool, do they?

Harry:
No. No, they don't. Uh, my bongo heads are made of goat.

Charlie:
Goat skin? Sure.

Harry:
Skin? Yeah. Not the head of a goat.

Charlie:
That would be painful to hit.

Harry:
Hmm.

Charlie:
Okay. Yeah. What are you going for with the high five?

Harry:
I'm going fully in. Yeah, but with an ironic... Wait, can I have the options again, actually?

Charlie:
High five. Okay, fine. But as long as we awkwardly do it again after we inevitably mess up the first one. Begrudgingly. Or fuck off.

Harry:
Okay. Actually, the most common one for me is okay, I'll go in for it, but we'll have to do it again because we'll inevitably fuck up the first time.

Charlie:
Yeah. Fair enough. Okay. There we go.

Harry:
I would never leave someone hanging. I'd always go in. I'd always do a high five.

Charlie:
Yeah, that's what you might hear. If somebody does avoid the high five, they would say, Don't leave me hanging. Question number four. There's a plastic bottle rolling around on the top deck of the bus, and it's noisy and annoying. What do you do? Leave it but silently seethe with rage every time it rolls across the bus. Slyly boot it down the bus when it gets near your feet. Or pick it up and put it on the seat next to you.

Harry:
Pick it up and put it on the seat next to me. [Yeah?] Definitely. [Nice.] Depends how close it is to me. But yeah, if it's if it's near me, then yeah, definitely pick it up. Yeah.

Charlie:
I think I'd silently seethe for a while.

Harry:
Yeah. Well, I would too, until it's close enough to me to pick up. So you'd silently seethe until you get off the bus.

Charlie:
I mean, if it came near... But if it's really dirty, are you going to pick it up? If it's like got loads of stuff on it?

Harry:
It depends. How filthy is it? It's like the most filthy bottle or filthiest bottle I've ever seen, then maybe not.

Charlie:
It's got a bit of poo and a used condom on. Put it in my bag.

Harry:
Straight in the bag. Yeah.

Charlie:
Is that for later?

Harry:
I'll use that later.

Charlie:
So you're picking up, putting it next to you. All right, Question number five. Which of these best describes your school years? I spent a lot of time hanging around by bus stops and pretending to smoke candy sticks. I was a twat. I was one of the cool, sporty kids. I went through so many awkward phases. Don't even go there.

Harry:
And what was the first one again? First option.

Charlie:
Uh, hanging around bus stops, pretending to smoke candy sticks.

Harry:
So I definitely, you know, flirted with that kind of lifestyle. I think I basically went through a couple of different phases. I think I was a bit of a twat at times. I think at times I tried to be a little bit of a bad boy, naughty kid, but I wasn't really. Definitely a little bit twatty sometimes. Already said that. And yeah lots of phases. So a bit of a bit of all of them. Was there another one apart from the phases thing?

Charlie:
Sporty kid?

Harry:
Sporty. Oh and yeah. And I was yeah I was, I was pretty sporty for, for a while. That was something I really like identified as. A sporty kid. So a little bit of, a little bit of all of them and also a little bit of Don't go there.

Charlie:
Oh, [well] so literally all options. I reckon we should put I went through so many awkward phases.

Harry:
Yeah, Yeah, that's probably it. [Yeah] That's probably it. Yeah, exactly.

Charlie:
If I was to guess for you I would put I was a twat.

Harry:
Nice. Yeah. Thank you.

Charlie:
What would you put for me?

Harry:
Yes. Same. I'd change 'was' to 'am'.

Charlie:
Would you... Any other guesses or definitely just twat?

Harry:
Just let me think. I imagine. Yeah. You went through lots of phases. I think you were probably similar to me, but maybe a bit less twattish.

Charlie:
I think I was probably a little bit. A little bit less twattish and little a little bit less trying to smoke candy sticks at a bus stop and probably wasn't as cool and sporty. I think you were probably more sporty than me. I don't know.

Harry:
Definitely cooler. Yeah. Yeah, I was. I was pretty sporty. I was pretty spor... I don't know. You were into, like, cricket? Weren't you? You loved cricket.

Charlie:
Yeah, but I wasn't cool. I mean, I was.

Harry:
You were sporty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cricket is the least cool sport, isn't it?

Charlie:
Yeah. Got all the ladies. Yeah.

Harry:
Although where you're from, cricket probably was cool.

Charlie:
It was relatively okay. It wasn't. It wasn't great. But I wouldn't ever say 'don't even go there'. And I probably wouldn't say I went through so many awkward phases.

Harry:
Right. Basically a bit of a twat, but.

Charlie:
A bit of a sporty twat. A sporty twat.

Harry:
A bit of a sporty twat. [Yeah] Uncool sporty twat.

Charlie:
Perfect. Perfect. Okay. Right. Let's make this the last one. Question number six. So the hairdresser has royally fucked up your haircut, even though you spent a lot of money on it. What do you do? Okay, number one, tell them what you don't like and get them to sort it out sharpish. Option number two. Say it's great. Thanks. Then run home, cry a little bit, and wear a hat forever. Option three Say it's fine, but then go and get it cut somewhere else ASAP. And option four just rock it and pretend it's an edgy new style you've invented.

Harry:
The second one. I'd go home... I wouldn't wear a hat, but I'd say thank you and I'd go home. Yeah, I'd pretend I'm pleased with it and leave.

Charlie:
Would you cry a little bit on the way home.

Harry:
Inside. I wouldn't actually cry, but I'd be... I'd be pretty gutted. I'd be looking at myself in every reflection window, shop windows and stuff, thinking 'What a fucking waste of money'. And yeah, I'm annoyed.

Charlie:
We will be leaving part one there for today. But don't worry, we have part two and three round the corner for you to enjoy. All right, here we go with part two of this episode. Enjoy!

Harry:
Inside. I wouldn't actually cry, but I'd be... I'd be pretty gutted. I'd be looking at myself in every reflection window, shop windows and stuff, thinking 'What a fucking waste of money'. And yeah, I'm annoyed.

Charlie:
I agree. Yeah. Yeah, I'd do the same. I'm very annoying as a hair cutter's client or however you say it, I'm very like specific and then awkward. I see, I'm not quite British actually in this sense because I stay when I think it looks a bit weird.

Harry:
Really?

Charlie:
I think I've just realised that. Yeah.

Harry:
Wow. Yeah. I never ever do. [Oh really?] How would you do it? Say I've cut it a bit too short, or Yeah, it looks. What would you, what, can you give me an example of something you've said in the past?

Charlie:
Yeah. Sometimes I quite like it when the hair on the top is quite long still. [Same] And if they cut too high up on the sides, then my head looks a bit strange or strange more strange. And I sometimes say that, Oh, I know you've, I think you've cut a bit too high there.

Harry:
Oh.

Charlie:
Do I say that?

Harry:
Wow.

Charlie:
Yeah, I think I might say that.

Harry:
Wow. Yeah, that's bold.

Charlie:
Yeah, that's. That's bold, isn't it?

Harry:
It's really bold. I'd say that's. That's very un-British, actually.

Charlie:
Mm.

Harry:
Very un-Br... So I guess you're not as awkwardly British as I am. So yeah. In that... In those kind of contexts, like. Yeah. Often in like social contexts like that. Yeah. I think I'm quite awkwardly British. Pretend I'm alright. Go home. [Yeah].

Charlie:
Keep calm, carry on.

Harry:
That does sound like... Thinking about you, I've known you for a long time now and I can imagine you doing that and not feeling awkward about it. I can definitely imagine that.

Charlie:
I think I do feel the tension, but I just live through it.

Harry:
Yeah. Yeah. You just. You don't mind? You don't mind, yeah. You just plough through regardless of the discomfort caused around you. I was just thinking about... I found it the other day actually. There's a hilarious video like haircut episode where we were in Venice. Was that in Venice? Before we went to that awards thing.

Charlie:
Apa? Oh, the film festival?

Harry:
Yeah, the film festival thing and...

Charlie:
The afterparty.

Harry:
The afterparty? Yeah. It's very cool. And they wrapped that thing around your head. Do you remember?

Charlie:
So I looked like an egg.

Harry:
It was hilarious. You need to put a picture of that on your Instagram or something.

Charlie:
I won't. [Oh, it's hilarious] I probably won't ever do that. It was funny. It's in my it's in my phone photos. Whenever I like, scroll looking for a photo in the past, it very clearly pops up.

Harry:
Yes. Do you think you said to them, can you make my hair less, you know, kind of dry and pubey?

Charlie:
I'm glad that you went there. Yes, I think I said frizzy, but then you probably said dry and pubey.

Harry:
But my hair has been feeling like that recently.

Charlie:
I said, ignore that twat. It's just frizzy. It's just a bit frizzy. How do we take the frizz out of it? And then the Italian guy. 'Oh, it's a pubey. Yes, a pubey. And the pubey'. And he literally, listeners, he literally wrapped me like a mummy in bandages for with a chemical under it for 45 minutes. Really tight. Really, really tight.

Harry:
Yeah. Yeah.

Charlie:
And it and it kind of just straightened the hair out and it looked very strange. It wasn't natural for me. I was glad to get the frizzy bird pube look back.

Harry:
Oh, God, that's hilarious. So funny. [Right] Have we answered that question?

Charlie:
Yeah. Um, yeah, we have. There are more, but we don't have time, and we've got. Oh, okay. I've just answered the last three.

Harry:
You just did three more?

Charlie:
You're not that awkward for a Brit.

Harry:
Okay, That's the...

Charlie:
That's your summary.

Harry:
I'm not that awkward for a Brit. Okay. You? Yeah.

Charlie:
We only did you.

Harry:
Okay? Yeah, yeah.

Charlie:
Yeah. I can't multitask, Harry. .

Harry:
Did you just answer the last three on my behalf?

Charlie:
Yes.

Harry:
Well, sorry. I'd like to hear what you put and what the questions were.

Charlie:
Well, we don't have time.

Harry:
Come on. Just. Just bash them out. Oh, sorry have you got plans?

Charlie:
No, it's only a Friday night.

Harry:
Well, I assume you're going out as you're... you're dressed up nice.

Charlie:
This is dressed for you, babe.

Harry:
Oh, nice. Do you have plans tonight?

Charlie:
No, just chillin. Yeah. We went to New Zealand recently. Just got back from holiday.

Harry:
Yeah. No need to make any plans after that. That's.

Charlie:
No, we're good. No date night for at least a month.

Harry:
Oh at least, Yeah. Did you have a nice time?

Charlie:
Yeah, it was really, really nice. I was very impressed with New Zealand to the point where we were considering how much it would be to buy a house.

Harry:
Wow.

Charlie:
We don't have that money, but we're like, maybe we should look at getting a house in this beautiful country one day.

Harry:
They expensive?

Charlie:
Cheaper than England and Australia. Much cheaper. Yeah. And the scenery. It was funny because we went to meet a couple of friends who have got a house. He's a builder and he. He made his house. And the view outside was breathtaking. Like it was mountainous, snowcapped mountains like 360 view from his place. And he was like, Uh, yeah. It's a third of the price of a home in the UK, and the view is a bit better than a little Tescos, which is very accurate, isn't it? It's kind of...

Harry:
Was he having a dig at your place in Nottingham?

Charlie:
No he didn't know about that place that looked out over the Tesco's.

Harry:
Yeah, you lived above a little Tesco's, didn't you?

Charlie:
Yeah, but the genius thing about that was that we didn't see it. [yeah] because we were directly above it.

Harry:
Yes, Could you not in the reflection of the window. The. The houses in front?

Charlie:
No, but when a bus went past, we would momentarily be depressed.

Harry:
It's just nice to be able to pop down and get yourself a meal deal, though.

Charlie:
Yeah, it was very nice. Very handy. Okay. Do you want to hear these questions very quickly?

Harry:
Rapid fire. Yeah.

Charlie:
Uh, question number seven. You're in the supermarket doing your weekly shop, and someone you knew from school who you haven't seen in years appears down the end of the aisle. How do you react? Put your head down, then walk quickly to the other end of the shop and try desperately to avoid them until you leave. Give them a nod and a little wave. Then continue with your shopping. Go over and say hi. It can't hurt to catch up. Go about your shop as usual, and just pretend you don't recognise them. And lastly, leave your shopping where it is and exit the shop immediately.

Harry:
I bet there are people that do that. I love that. So actually the first option. I'd I'd pretend I haven't seen them and try to avoid them for the duration of the shop. Probably. It depends who it is of course, how and how sociable I'm feeling in that moment, but most likely I'd try not to bump into them. I just want to do my shopping. I don't want to chat.

Charlie:
I'm with you on that. I think exactly the same. And that was the end of part two. But we've still got part three. Even more fun to be had with this episode, and I'll see you in part three.

Charlie:
I hope you have enjoyed it so far, but let's still enjoy the last of it, shall we? So I give you part three of this episode.

Harry:
I bet there are people that do that. I love that. Actually, the first option I'd I'd pretend I haven't seen them and try to avoid them for the duration of the shop. Probably. It depends who it is of course, how and how sociable I'm feeling in that moment. But most likely I'd. Yeah, try not to bump into them. I just want to do my shopping. I don't want to chat.

Charlie:
I think exactly the same.

Harry:
Yeah. That's very British. That's very British.

Charlie:
We had a really... Sorry to digress but we, I had a really awkward encounter. So we decided to trial a cleaner in our apartment and she did the worst job possible. Like I gave her a whole list of things and I said, You probably won't get anywhere near finished with all of that. It takes me ages. And we hired her for 2 hours and she texted me saying she'd done them all and she left. I came back to the apartment and it was almost worse than before because she had used so much product on everything. Like it was really sticky, the floors. She hadn't hoovered properly and she had only half rubbed every single window so you could only see like a little spot in the middle that was clean. And the same with the floors. And so I texted her saying, We won't need your services anymore. And then the next day I was in the supermarket and I was picking out some milk and she opened the door next to me.

Harry:
Oh, no. Oh no, that is so fucking awkward. Oh, good. What did you do?

Charlie:
So I just dropped my shopping and left the shop immediately. [Aha]. Did the first one. Put my head down, walked the other way and tried not to bump into her.

Harry:
Wow. And did you meet eyes? Did you catch eyes?

Charlie:
I think she... Her eyes were focussed on the milk after realising the horror that she was in. And then I very quickly walked away and I actually took a picture of her from behind and said to Stacey 'Look who I just saw!'

Harry:
That's amazing. That is so bad. That's so fucking awkward. I would die.

Charlie:
I'm also aware, guys, how privileged I sound saying that we tried a cleaner. There we go.

Harry:
Yeah, you're a twat.

Charlie:
I'm a twat. All right. The last, second to last, actually. You're on a train without a ticket, and the inspector breezes into your carriage. You have to think fast. What? What do you do, before you hear the options?

Harry:
So I'm on a train. The inspector breezes into my carriage?

Charlie:
Did I miss something? You're on the train without a ticket. [Oh, without a ticket]. And the inspector breezes into your carriage.

Harry:
Oh right. I mean, I wouldn't be on a train without a ticket, but if I was, I'd probably hide in the toilet.

Charlie:
I like how your, like, instant reaction was very honest. And then the second one was clearly, you've been in this situation before, and I know exactly what to do.

Harry:
Well, no, I haven't. But who the hell gets on a train without a ticket? It's stupid. You're going to get a fine. I wouldn't want to put myself in that situation. But if I did happen to get on a train without a ticket, then I'd try and avoid the inevitable fine.

Charlie:
I'm quite surprised at this because from where I'm from, it was actually quite common to jump on a train without a ticket as a teenager. [Really?] Maybe in Bedford it's quite organised because.

Harry:
You would get on the train unless it's a big, I don't know, an occasion like a holiday or a trip to London.

Charlie:
Is your.. You're in a town. I was in a village and I had to get to a town. [Yeah] That's the difference.

Harry:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so what would, what would you do. Just say. Oh, sorry, I forgot. Can I buy one now?

Charlie:
I would blame it on the ticket machine being broken. [Oh] and I'd say really sorry. Uh, my card wasn't accepted or something like that. And then the train was coming last minute and I jumped on. Please, can I buy one now?

Harry:
Let's clever. In hindsight, I think maybe what I would do is I would try. I'd just be really, really nice and try to charm the guy and say, Look, I was so late for my train, I thought, Well, I need this train. I thought I'd just get on and I'll try and get a ticket from you. I thought I could buy a ticket on the train. Would would that be okay? Maybe something like that. Just be totally honest.

Charlie:
Be totally honest. Nice.

Harry:
Dunno, dunno. But most likely I'll be in the toilets hiding.

Charlie:
The options are: unconvincingly pretend to be asleep.

Harry:
No way.

Charlie:
Risk trying to squeeze past them and into the toilet where you will hide for 30 minutes. [No] Pretend that you've lost your ticket and by frantically fake searching your bag and pockets in the hope they take pity on you. That would never work. Why would they take pity on you?

Harry:
Well, unless you're a really good actor.

Charlie:
Yeah. Say, you didn't have time to get a ticket and ask if you can buy one now.

Harry:
Probably.

Charlie:
Or the fourth one. Hurl yourself out of the moving train. That's the fifth one, yeah.

Harry:
Probably the one. The one before that.

Charlie:
Okay, the next one I don't really understand, but just to complete. Number seven. Oh, no. Who are you most like? I don't even know any of these. Well, some of them. Will McKenzie.

Harry:
Who the fuck is that?

Charlie:
Mark Corrigan. I've heard of him. [Yeah]. Jez Usborne or Osborne?

Harry:
Osborne. Yeah, I think Osborne.

Charlie:
It's a U.

Harry:
Oh right.

Charlie:
Not the rock and roll American Osborne. [Yeah]. Vicky Pollard. You remember her from...?

Harry:
Yeah, oh, Will MacKenzie is the guy, the main character from The Inbetweeners?

Charlie:
Okay. Mark. Mark Corrigan Yeah. Okay. Vicky Pollard. David Brent. Malcolm Tucker. Miranda Hart. Alan Partridge. Or none of the above, thank fuck.

Harry:
Wow, a lot of characters there. Malcolm Tucker Okay, He's the guy from The Thick of It, that political sitcom. I don't watch that. So I don't know if I'm like him, but I've been compared to Jez, Jez Usborne or Osborne before. He but he's basically a bit of a a layabout. And he plays the bongos and he. He really likes casual relationships. He's very rarely in a relationship and he kind of just kind of strolls through life, just kind of doing the bare minimum. But yeah, enjoys a night out and a bit of the occasional doobie and stuff like that. So yeah, I actually think I'm probably most like Jez, and he really likes music too.

Charlie:
And I'd probably be Mark Corrigan, which is the antithesis of him.

Harry:
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I think.

Charlie:
They are both part of the same show called Peep Show. We highly recommend it. It's one of our favourites, isn't it? Yeah, And yeah, Mark Corrigan is very uptight. I mean, he works in an office, which is not my cup of tea at all, but he is a corporate bleep. What how could you describe Mark Corrigan?

Harry:
Well, I think you've summed him up. Yeah, uptight. He's a corporate guy and very pragmatic and yeah.

Charlie:
Anxious as well. Internal dialogue.

Harry:
He's very British, he's very awkwardly British. He would score highly in awkward Britishness.

Charlie:
He would, yeah, Yeah, that would be good. [But then...] Pretend to be him doing it.

Harry:
You're not like you're not totally him. Yeah, there's definitely... And I'm not totally Jez, but yeah, if we had to say someone, it's probably it's those characters, isn't it.

Charlie:
Yes. Yeah. A bit closer than Vicky Pollard for both of us, I think.

Harry:
Yeah. Miranda. Miranda.

Charlie:
Miranda Hart.

Harry:
It's a good quiz. It's a really good quiz.

Charlie:
There we go.

Harry:
I enjoyed that.

Charlie:
I think it's good not only for the conversation, but also the answers, the multiple choice answers. They provide a bit of pop culture and language like slang.

Harry:
There's loads of good stuff there.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Harry:
Nice.

Charlie:
And there we go. So thank you very much, guys. Well done for listening to the end of this episode. Thank you very much, Harry.

Harry:
Thank you. Thank you, guys. Thank you, Charlie.

Charlie:
All right. We will see you again soon. All the best. Much love. And yeah, have a good one, Harry. Tata. There we go. The end of part three, meaning the end of the episode. Well done for getting through the entirety of it. Make sure you use all of the resources available to you in your membership. Thanks once again for supporting the show and I look forward to seeing you next time on the British English Podcast.