Transcript of Bitesize Ep 87- Transcript

Charlie:
Hello and welcome back to another bitesize episode of the British English Podcast. In this one, we will be continuing to uncover the shocking plot in my neighbourhood. If you haven't heard part one of this, then check out the bitesize episode that was uploaded two weeks before this one. Then come back and enjoy today's episode. So we will rejoin the story at the point where I was just about to dial the number for MI5, and this was because I had just been en route to watch the football at my friend's house, but a certain suspicious looking man had caught my attention by saying something big was going to happen on my street that day. I ended up following him in a high speed Lime bike pursuit to an unknown street and then climbed into his window after he had left with his wife, slash female cohabiting partner, to find an AA route planner with some more suspicious looking scribbles on it with an X with today's date on my street. So let's see if MI5 managed to pick up the phone and what on earth I'm going to say to them to explain my concerns. Here we go.

Charlie:
The phone rang twice. Make that thrice before a calm, professional yet robotic sounding voice answered, which made me wonder if it's possible to get an unprofessional sounding robot. You know, one that doesn't clearly enunciate each syllable and maybe uses a bit of slang? Before my mind went any further with this thought, I came back to being an active listener, which is something my mother has always complimented me on.

Charlie:
Welcome to MI5, the national Security Service. Please listen carefully to the following options. Ah. I don't have time for this, I thought, but I didn't dare say it aloud in fear of being arrested by the politeness police. For reporting suspicious activity or potential threats to national security, press one. Now I knew that's what I needed, but I have this OCD tendency to need to hear the whole list before making my decision. For information on careers at MI5, press two. No, no, no. Although that would be cool, wouldn't it? To work for MI5? Imagine the small talk. Oh, yeah. You alright. So what do you do? Um, sorry, but if I told you that, I'd have to slice your throat wide open like Pac-Man, which would just completely drench me in your oh so common, O positive blood. And considering I'm wearing white, I just don't want your blood on my hands slash shirt. So, um. No, I won't be able to tell you what I do, but let's just say the organisation I work for sounds a bit like the M25, but thank God I don't have to use that road for my commute. Do you have to use the M20? You probably have to use the M25, don't you? What do you do? Let's let's talk about you, actually. Yeah.

Charlie:
God, that would be good. For media inquiries, press three. I'll be honest, I almost forgot what I was here for. For general information about MI5, press four. To speak with an operator, press zero. Thank you for calling MI5. Your vigilance helps keep our nation safe. Right. With the list fully listened to, I chose option one because speaking to an operator sometimes scares me a little bit. Thank you for pressing one to report suspicious activity or potential threats. Every message will be reviewed, but we may not respond to each one. Please leave detailed information including dates, times, locations, and descriptions. Leave your message after the tone. Thank you for your vigilance. So off I went. Retelling what you heard in part one of this story, so I won't bother recounting that again to save some time and money on transcribing it all out. What's that you say? You can get a transcript? That's right. Available for anyone who joins the premium podcast or the Academy, just head over to the British English Podcast.com.

Charlie:
After retelling everything I had to say, I hung up, satisfied that my government could take it from there, said a Brit never. I walked back to the high street to grab a flat white before nipping on the underground, then suddenly swore out loud as I remembered I needed to walk back to my Lime bike to end the trip before being charged an extortionate amount. Again still not sponsored.

Charlie:
And as I approached, I saw the slightly below average height man's van reversing back into the drive, this time with his dad's trailer attached. I just made it sound like the van was reversing on its own accord, because I wanted to remind you of the height of the man. But please know it wasn't a self-driving van. It was an older van that definitely didn't have such technologies. Okay? And being a manually operated vehicle, I've got to say I was impressed by his reversing skills and how he avoided the dreaded jack-knifing that could occur when you're using a trailer. I then noticed the van had one of those 'how's my driving' stickers, and then a phone number beneath it for the public to ring if their driver has been driving badly so that the company can be informed. But what confused me was how it was an 0871 number, not the typical free of charge 0800 number. And if I recall correctly from my childhood, 0871 numbers are often used by scammers who prey on the innocent to ring up and get charged 13 pence a second to listen to an automated message. So my intrigue was now through the roof. I mean, to be a terrorist is one thing, but to be a phone scammer on top of that, it's just unheard of. So I thought in that moment, forget the flat white. Forget the football. This phone scamming terrorist is going down on my watch.

Charlie:
So it was time to play the long game, not the long ball. Gosh, we all know how the England football team exhausted that tactic in the 90s to get nowhere fast. No, I wasn't getting nowhere fast. I was going to stay right where I was for as long as it takes, which I suppose is kind of the same thing. Well, seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours and hours turned into more hours. 2.5 hours to be fair, before there was any movement. My back was hurting and I really wanted to just leave. But I've always been complimented on being an incredibly stubborn man. And so I stayed put until I heard what sounded like a bathtub being dropped into a trailer, followed by some other heavy items being tossed in beside it. After a while, they revved the engine and out came the van. To my surprise, or perhaps the opposite actually with a bathtub and all sorts of crap in the trailer, I checked my phone and had a bunch of notifications. Three from Harry, one of which was a hilarious reel about a man trying to climb a poled fence and losing his trousers in the process. Genuinely really funny. But after laughing my face off in the middle of the pavement, I checked the other messages and I couldn't believe it.

Charlie:
MI5 had sent me a text message saying, 'thank you for your recent report. We have reviewed your information and believe it to be credible. Rest assured we are taking appropriate action to address the concern. Your vigilance is appreciated and contributes to national security. Please continue to report any further suspicious activity. Stay safe.' I look up and see the van is making its way around the corner towards my road. Deciding that I need to start sprinting through the alley to get to our road to warn everyone that something terrible is about to happen, my body quickly reminds me I'm now over 30 and need to start off with a light jog to warm up the ligaments and tendons, etc..

Charlie:
Accepting my age, thanks to my mindfulness retreat that I went on recently, I slowly accelerate in a gradual way towards an 80% max effort run. I approach the alleyway entrance, I grab hold of the no cycling sign pole and pivot around it. Slingshotting myself as if I were a satellite aiming for Mars' orbit. Smiling to myself, thinking how clever I am, I continue to sprint still at 80% of my effort, and halfway down the alley I see a young girl coming towards me on her bike. As we make eye contact, she looks down in a guilty way and raises her left leg over the crossbar, which is admittedly a little lower for women, so it's not as impressive that she's doing this whilst the bike is still moving at a steady speed, and then opts to scoot along with both feet on one pedal, thinking that she has done the courteous thing.

Charlie:
While I did think about stopping her and telling her how if we did end up in a court arguing whether or not she was riding her bike in this alleyway, that the judge would, nine times out of ten, prosecute her, as scooting is technically considered riding a bike in the court of law in the UK. But I restrained from doing so and thought big picture, get to the van with the sticker on that has a potentially suspicious phone number under it, because the driver is a terrorist and a scammer. We passed by in a typically British way, acknowledging yet ignoring each other at the same time, which is amazing that we can manage to do so. And then when I got to the end of the alley, this time unable to slingshot as there was no sign and I thought, oh, she's a good kid, really? I took a left, striding confidently now. I went another 400 yards, not metres. After all, I'm not from mainland Europe, took a right and arrived on my road to see quite the sight at the top of it. A full blockade of police cars, along with a bomb disposal van and three men slash women walking down the street who looked like real life juggernauts.

Charlie:
But considering you might not know this rather useless word, imagine three men or women wearing bomb disposal outfits, because really, that's exactly what they looked like. I gulped nervously, seeing what my actions had resulted in. Just as I was starting to get scared of having raised the alarm a little prematurely, I looked to my right and saw the van and trailer with bathtub chugging along at a snail's pace as they were turning into the bottom of my road. The man got out as his wife slash female cohabiting partner was driving, which made me again a little worried about the trailer jack-knifing into my parked car. I then reminded myself to not be so sexist and that my wife is a far better driver than me.

Charlie:
Whilst thinking the above, the man had unhooked the back of the trailer to let it flap down and out poured a load of rubble, bags of cement, bent metal poles from scaffolding frames and old window panes shattering all over the place. Just before the bathtub started to skid out of the trailer, the woman slammed on the brakes as she made eye contact with the blockade of police at the top of the road. These potential terrorist scammers had been caught red handed, and I was just stood there feeling an immense sense of pride, satisfaction, but mainly feeling simply heroic.

Charlie:
Because you see, whilst I had reported the crime incorrectly, in my eyes a crime is a crime and this couple had been fly tipping around Tooting for over a year without so much as a whiff of evidence as to who was doing it. The council had been in uproar, and the general uptick in tuts from the general passer-by was at an all time high in and amongst the Tooting Commons, which is where they were fly tipping most of the time. So I was immensely satisfied with how I had handled the situation at this point and couldn't wait to see what punishment these naughty, naughty humans would be receiving.

Charlie:
Oh, and I think we'll have to come away from the action and just give you a quick summary of what happened next, because I'm still quite emotionally scarred about it all and and feel a bit sick still. Turns out fly tipping is not a crime worth calling the bomb disposal team for, and I'm currently awaiting a court date to determine whether I will be given a fine of £2,500, or have to do a six month stint in prison, while the fly tippers were simply given a slap on the wrist and a £400 fine. So if you haven't taken much from this episode, then at least you can be confident in knowing what happens if you waste MI5's time. I am currently involved in a separate lawsuit against the government for being misled by the slogan 'see it, say it, sorted.'

Charlie:
I am advocating for a change, to see it, gather the evidence, then say it and still risk getting arrested for it. This case is currently pending. Alright, well done for getting to the end of this rather random tale. Remember that the premium podcast provides you with the manually edited transcripts, as well as the extended glossaries and flashcards. And then the Academy covers all of this, plus a four step learning process to get those native phrases I exposed you to in today's episode into your active vocabulary, which include group classes on Zoom and individually marked writing assignments. Um, please do not treat this episode as a public service announcement. The MI5 was definitely not contacted, and the slogan 'see it, say it, sorted' is still probably an accurate representation of how one should act in public if you see something suspicious. Um, although I will say the Tooting fly tipper is unfortunately real and they are yet to be taken down. So if you do see someone fly tipping in Tooting, please do let me or the local council know about it. Just obviously don't call the bomb disposal team out. Alright. Thank you very much. We will leave it there. My name is Charlie. I'll see you next week for another episode of the British English Podcast.