Transcript of Bitesize Ep 059 - Transcript

Charlie:
Hello and welcome to another episode of the British English podcast. In this bite-size one, I'm going to be exposing you to another bit of pop culture in the UK that will help you understand more cultural references that Brits might mention. And hopefully, hopefully I will be introducing you to something that will provide you with a few laugh-out-loud moments. I'm not declaring that my version will be doing so, but if this thing that I haven't mentioned yet is your cup of tea, then when you search for it and you find it on the internet and you listen to it, I suspect you will be looked at in a rather questionable way if you listen to it in public. I should say it is immature humour. If you don't like this, then congratulations for growing up. But I still really enjoy it and I want to tell you about it. So what is it? Well, I suspect the title of this episode will give that away, although I always make the titles last, so I can't predict that. So let me just say. Many moons ago. Hang on a second. 201.4 to be precise. Thanks, Chat GPT. Many moons ago, a man got on the box in the UK. In 2007, a man was on the telly in the UK because of his extraordinary talent for putting on a variety of voices and having some fun with the general public. On the telly, he goes by the name of Fonejacker and his job was to terrorise, torture and well, just tease the British public through prank calls. If you don't know, a prank call is a practical joke where you use your telephone to connect with a stranger, typically, and you pretend you are somebody else, or you create a fictional situation in order to deceive, confuse, or amuse the recipient. The intent of a prank call is typically to provoke a humorous reaction from the person being called, and it often involves the use of scripted scenarios, accents or sound effects. Now, I'm aware that these can be harmful, but I'd say on the whole, this prankster that goes by the name of Fonejacker manages to perform quite the balancing act, creating hilarity in a daring way without causing harm or being too offensive, in my opinion. Remember, it's all for comedy. So yeah, it's not to be taken seriously in any way, shape or form. But I do admit he oversteps the mark in terms of vulgar language and so I will remove or at least reduce that side of it in today's episode. So as they say in the storytelling world, show, don't tell. Show, don't tell. So shut up and, you know, show it. Don't just talk about it. And considering I have been talking about it for, I don't know, maybe 4 or 5 minutes, I shall attempt to show you what Fonejacker is. And by that, I will be attempting to remake some scenes pretending to be the prank caller but then using some of the original responses from the general public. Okay, so let's see. We have quite a few characters to choose from. Let's start with this one.

Electronics Salesman:
Hello?

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
Hello, yes. Could you check something for me to see if it is in stock?

Electronics Salesman:
What is it, sir?

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
It's a large 'doovdé' player.

Electronics Salesman:
Sorry?

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
'Doovdé' player.

Electronics Salesman:
What is that? Sorry.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
It play 'doovdé'.

Electronics Salesman:
Plays what?

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
'Doovdé'.

Electronics Salesman:
'Doovdé'?

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
Yes.

Electronics Salesman:
I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're...

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
You know, 'doovdé'?

Electronics Salesman:
No, I don't.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
You know, you used to have the Betamax and then it changed to the 'Vuhs'.

Electronics Salesman:
VHS?

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
Yes.

Electronics Salesman:
You want a VHS player?

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
No, I don't want a 'Vuhs'. I want a 'doovdé'.

Electronics Salesman:
Okay, I have no idea.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
'Doovdé, doovdé', you want me to spell?

Electronics Salesman:
Yes.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
Is a D.

Electronics Salesman:
Yeah.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
V.

Electronics Salesman:
Oh, DVD.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
Yeah, 'doovdé'.

Electronics Salesman:
D V D.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
'Doovdé'.

Electronics Salesman:
I don't know anything about 'doovdé' player, okay? All I know is DVD player.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
'Doovdé', yes.

Electronics Salesman:
They start from £60 upwards.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
£60 for one 'jervk'?

Electronics Salesman:
Yes.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
How much you sell me the 'LucDe Tiv'?

Electronics Salesman:
Which one?

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
'LucDe Tiv'

Electronics Salesman:
What is that?

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
I used to have the plasma 'Tiv' and now I want to buy the 'LucDe Tiv'.

Electronics Salesman:
Are you trying to say LCD?

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
'LucDe', yes.

Electronics Salesman:
Señor, don't say 'LucDe'. I don't know what... It's LCD.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
Yes, 'LucDe'.

Electronics Salesman:
No, we have LCD.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
Well, what make are you have in the 'LucDe'?

Electronics Salesman:
What make do you want in a 'LucDe'?

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
A 'Jervk'.

Electronics Salesman:
Sorry.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
A 'Jervk LucDe'.

Electronics Salesman:
We have JVC. Is that what you're trying to say?

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
'Jervk'.

Electronics Salesman:
No, no, JVC.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
'Jervk'.

Electronics Salesman:
No, JVC.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
No, 'Jervk'.

Electronics Salesman:
We don't have any jerk.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
Not jerk. I not say jerk. I say 'Jervk'.

Electronics Salesman:
Because, you know, I don't understand. If you're saying JVC then say JVC.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
'Jervk'.

Electronics Salesman:
There's no 'Jervk'. It's JVC. If that's what you want, then let's talk.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
You have the 'Jervk'?.

Electronics Salesman:
No, I don't have 'jukatuh'.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
What is 'jukatuh'?

Electronics Salesman:
I... you know, what am I supposed to tell you?

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
What is your problem?

Electronics Salesman:
I don't have any problem.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
Firstly, firstly, you tell me you don't, you don't tell sell 'Doovdé'. Then you tell me you do sell 'Doovdé'. And then you tell me you don't sell 'LucDe Tiv'.

Electronics Salesman:
I said we don't have jerk.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
I don't want a jerk. I want a 'Jervk'.

Electronics Salesman:
I don't understand what you're trying to tell me.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
Okay, I'll tell you from the beginning, okay? I want one 'Jervk Doovdé' player and I want one 'Jervk LucDe Tiv'.

Electronics Salesman:
I don't know what you're trying to tell me.

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
Ready for the 'Hoode'? Is it ready for the 'Hoode'?

Electronics Salesman:
Sorry?

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
Is it ready for the 'Hoode'?

Electronics Salesman:
It's ready for what?

Charlie as Mr Doovdé:
The 'Hoode', you know? 'Hoode'.

Electronics Salesman:
*Hangs up*

Charlie:
Okay. Now I'd like to make it extra clear, despite my assumption that the majority of you listening spotted this. But I didn't make a phone call to this man for the creation of this episode. This man was already bothered by Fonejacker many moons ago. I simply tried to impersonate Fonejacker's character called Mr. Doovdé because I still encounter comical references around his character. When I was younger, I found this one really, really funny, but now I'm a bit older, I find it a bit more annoying than anything, and I feel for the poor salesman. So just to be clear, as they say, no animals were harmed during the recording of this show. And by animals we mean electronics salesmen, I guess. So the references that you might stumble upon are basically turning any initialism into an acronym, but kind of reading it as if they were all lowercase sounds so not D, but 'duh', not V, but 'vuh'. I'm aware that part of that previous sentence is one that Alan Partridge would be proud of, but there we have it. So the main gag his character focussed on was the word DVD player. So that is technically an initialism, meaning all three letters actually stand for something and we pronounce them individually 'D V D'. I wonder if you can remember or work out what they stand for. Pause the player now if you care to think. But yeah, D stands for digital, V stands for versatile, and the last D stands for Disc. Digital Versatile Disc - DVD. Whereas Mr. Doovdé, who is apparently a fictional Middle Eastern technophobe, would mistakenly abbreviate everyday technology and brand names, pronouncing them exactly as they are written. So instead of DVD, it's 'Doovdé'. Hence his name, Mr. Doovdé or 'Jervk' instead of the well-known Japanese electronics brand JVC, 'Jervk'. The one I like the most is the 'Nuss' instead of the NHS. That wasn't covered in this conversation because this character, like all of the other characters on Fonejacker, he has done lots and lots of calls and created quite a hilarious archive of prank calls basically. But yeah, one of them in the recent podcast episode that he has done is talking about the NHS, which is our National Health Service, and it is so ingrained into us to say NHS that it's really funny to look at it in a different light. 'Nuss', I like it. My friends and I might be a bit biased, but it occasionally happens that we imitate this in the real world because we're immature. So whenever we see something like that, the NHS, we might say, "Oh yeah, I went to the 'Nuss' the other day" and like, "Oh, that's so funny because it's like that Fonejacker guy". Yes, we need to get a better hobby. But yeah, you might encounter it and I'd say you would come across as very culturally aware and hilarious. If a non-native did that with me, I would be wetting my pants. Obviously, you've got to make it clear that you are joking and that you don't think it's called the 'Nuss'. So have a glint in your eyes and ooze with sarcasm, maybe, but yeah, Mr. Doovdé. All right, let's move on to another one that I think is still immature, but less annoying. I think it's less annoying. Here we go.

Plumbing Salesman:
Yeah, hi. Can I help you?

Charlie as The Baroness:
Ah, hello. I don't seem to have any hot water at the moment.

Plumbing Salesman:
Okay.

Charlie as The Baroness:
And could you send someone down, please? Because it's, you know, I've been trying to take a bath all day.

Plumbing Salesman:
Oh, you've called a merchant. You haven't called a service company.

Charlie as The Baroness:
Oh, right. Uh, so you just do the parts, do you?

Plumbing Salesman:
That's correct, yeah.

Charlie as The Baroness:
And there's no one that could come down and see me.

Plumbing Salesman:
Unfortunately not.

Charlie as The Baroness:
And you sell the parts, do you?

Plumbing Salesman:
We do, yes.

Charlie as The Baroness:
Do you work a spanner yourself?

Plumbing Salesman:
Beg your pardon.

Charlie as The Baroness:
Do you work a spanner yourself?

Plumbing Salesman:
No.

Charlie as The Baroness:
Oh, you don't, no. You just stand behind the counter.

Plumbing Salesman:
That's correct, yeah.

Charlie as The Baroness:
Smiling?

Plumbing Salesman:
Sometimes I do. Sometimes I scowl.

Charlie as The Baroness:
Oh, really? Oh, that's fine. Oh, dear. Been a long day for you, darling?

Plumbing Salesman:
Not so far, yeah.

Charlie as The Baroness:
Oh, well, you wouldn't be scowling if you came to mine, that's for sure.

Plumbing Salesman:
Okay then.

Charlie as The Baroness:
Especially if you run me a hot bath. I mean, you might even want to slip under the bubbles with me. Control yourself, man. It's all right. Have you never spoken to a lady before? Listen, why don't you come round with your toolbox? I know it's heavy and hard. Come on, come over. I'll give you my address.

Plumbing Salesman:
Who am I speaking to, please?

Charlie as The Baroness:
My name is Lady Smithersly Smythe.

Plumbing Salesman:
Is it really?

Charlie as The Baroness:
Yes.

Plumbing Salesman:
You go now, my love, thank you very much for calling.

Charlie as The Baroness:
Okay. You have a great day.

Plumbing Salesman:
Thank you very much.

Charlie as The Baroness:
*Hangs up*

Charlie as Scouse Steve:
A podcast full of all new prank phone calls, like? From that bloke in the woolly hat? Amazing. I thought he was dead, like.

Charlie:
Okay, so this one, I don't really think it comes up much in day-to-day conversation unless, you know, you're wanting to impersonate a slightly predatory, horny lady of a certain age. I think the cultural thing here is the endless innuendos she provides. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. British English is full of innuendos, euphemisms and double entendres. I'm not suggesting that other cultures don't use this form of comedy, and Americans do this as well. But I'd say in comparison and also thinking about my Aussie friends who are, you know, braver at saying what they mean, Brits, we hide behind hidden or double meanings a lot. We're indirect and we find it extra funny to be able to talk about these taboo things that are much more taboo, I'd say in British English, because the culture is, I'd say, more prudish than the cousins across the pond or certainly down under. So yeah, this one was more of a test for me to see if I could put on an old lady voice and for it to serve as a reminder that we like double meanings. All right, let's do one more for the sake of it. But before I do, I just want to remind you the reason why I'm doing these random clips, because I played it to my partner and she was like, why are you subjecting your audience to this? And I think the reason that I'm doing this is yes, okay, I find it fun trying to impersonate them. But the initial idea came about from the fact that Fonejacker is a given cultural reference in my demographic. So I want you to become more aware of things like this. If you find this humour funny, then you've got another source of listening practice. And talking of that, it's really difficult because they're very quick, often quite difficult to understand, the accents that he puts on. One of the characters in fact has a speech impediment. The B, the letter B comes up everywhere in one of the characters that he plays. So again, it's advanced listening practice, kind of advanced or just like a challenge for anyone who wants to, you know, subject themselves to this kind of test. Culturally significant in some way, loosely speaking. And it's fun for me. So, yeah, here we go. Here's the last one of today's episode.

Bartender :
Hello?

Charlie as Government Official:
Oh, hello there. I'm calling from the government Food and Beverage Department. Do you have a moment?

Bartender :
Yeah, I do, yeah.

Charlie as Government Official:
Yes. Well, as you know, we have, uh, left the EU, European Union, yes?

Bartender :
Yep.

Charlie as Government Official:
Yep. And we are currently doing a realignment of various rules and regulations regarding food and beverages. Were you aware of this?

Bartender :
I'd say you might be best speaking to the manager, to be honest with you. He's not going to be in until after four o'clock.

Charlie as Government Official:
Well, do do you serve beverages yourself?

Bartender :
Yeah, we do.

Charlie as Government Official:
Right, okay. So uh perfect, yes. So, uh, just to let you know that previously, when we were part of the EU, the EU regulations stipulated that the head on a pint of lager should be no more than seven millimetres and no less than 4.5mm. Were you aware of this?

Bartender :
No, I wasn't.

Charlie as Government Official:
Right, okay. So now that we've left the EU, the head on a pint of lager can be anywhere between 14mm and 44mm, okay?

Bartender :
Okay.

Charlie as Government Official:
And how big was the head on a pint of lager usually at your your establishment? Uh, did it fall between the EU stipulations? Because if it did, it no longer needs to. So basically what I'm saying is you can pour as big a head on a pint of lager as you like, okay?

Bartender :
Okay, that's great.

Charlie as Government Official:
Which is probably very good for profits. Um, and if they do kick up a fuss, then you can just remind them that we are no longer part of the EU. And because of this, you can have as big of a head on a pint of lager as you want. And if you don't like it, you could get stuffed.

Bartender :
Okay, that's fantastic.

Charlie as Government Official:
Wonderful. Okay, fantastic. Well, good luck with that. And if you need any more advice, just give me a bell, okay?

Bartender :
That's great. Thank you so much.

Charlie as Government Official:
Lovely. Thanks so much.

Bartender :
Bye now.

Charlie as The Baroness:
Bye bye.

Charlie as Brian Badonde :
Bittlety boo. Bit's the bold bew Bonejacker bodcast. Braaay.

Charlie:
"Braaay" indeed, meaning "yaaay". I'll explain that one in a sec. So that Brexit one was actually a new one, a new character. As I said earlier, Fonejacker was popular from 2007, but hasn't really done much for over a decade, but recently released a brand new podcast with eight episodes of new content, which included some old and new characters. And I don't really recognise this character as much, so he might be new to the world, meaning people won't really know what you're talking about if you reference him, but his general gag is to phone businesses and tell them about a far-fetched fictitious rule that no longer applies due to Brexit. But a minute ago I said "bray", not "yay". This is in line with the character called Brian Badonde. Brian or Brrian is a man and Brian who has a speech impediment. Again, fictional comedy character, don't get your panties in a twist, where everything he says ends up starting with the letter B. His general accent, not the speech impediment, but his general accent is similar to that of a late art critic called Brian Sewell. I had to Wikipedia that. I didn't know of that before, but I'd say that this one, along with Mr. Doovdé. Oh, and Terry Tibbs, yeah. "Talk to me, talk to me". We'll get to that one as well. Are the most remembered among those who watched Fonejacker back in the day. But Charlie, you've not provided us with an example of Brian Badonde. Ah ha ha. Don't you worry. Don't you worry. Because I went a little crazy when preparing this bite-sized episode and I mimicked not three, not four, not five, but eight prank calls from Fonejacker. So we've done three. We've got five left. Hooray. So I'll be sharing them with you in future bite-size episodes. So look forward to that. But of course, you can enjoy the original, the OG, the original gangster right now. That's another initialism, isn't it? OG, original gangster. Or as Mr. Doovdé would say, "you can go and listen to the 'uhg'. The OG just type in Fonejacker spelt with an 'f' instead of a 'ph' at the beginning of 'phone' on YouTube or your preferred podcast player and enjoy. That is all from me today. Thank you for listening to the end of this episode. My name is "Barlie Baxter" and you've been listening to the "British Benglish bodcast. Bruh byeee." Beautiful.