Bitesize Episode 27 - How a Brit shares a story in a pub

Jan 4 / Charlie Baxter

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By Charlie Baxter

Bitesize Episodes (17-32)

What's this episode about?

Charlie gets Harry back on the show to demonstrate how a Brit might tell a story over a pint at the pub when something has happened to them.
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Transcript of Bitesize Ep 27 Transcript

Charlie:
Hello and welcome to the British English podcast, this one is a quick one, it is a bitesize episode. We have Harry with us and I feel like it's important to be confident with telling stories. So Harry said that he's got a couple of stories up his sleeve. And I thought, well, why not just record them? See how they go? And hopefully that will help you see how Brits or native English speakers tell stories. You know, very casual stories, not a formal one, not like a TED talk or anything like that. Just a story that you might tell at the pub. So yeah. Hello, Harry, how are you doing?

Harry:
Good. Thank you. Yeah. So I recently started swimming because I packed in rowing for reasons we don't need to discuss, but I decided not to row anymore. So I started swimming because I need some exercise. Ok, OK.

Charlie:
Yeah, OK. Where were you swimming or where are you swimming?

Harry:
I'm swimming at a local swimming pool called Robinson Pool in my hometown, Bedford.

Charlie:
Yeah, I won't butt in too much, but indoor or outdoor?

Harry:
Oh, indoor indoor. Indoor? Yeah, OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, be way too cold for outdoor. Although in the summer I'd love to go to an outdoor pool but don't know where the nearest one is. But I'll tell you about my first session there, shall I?

Charlie:
Yeah, please. Ok, your first

Harry:
Session, right? It was definitely an eventful one. I got to the swimming pool. I was doing some breaststroke, which is a nice, easy, easy stroke and going quite quite slowly. And it was lane swimming, so you just going up and down, up and down. It's all about kind of exercise.

Charlie:
Did you know which lane to be in for that slow stroke?

Harry:
Well, no, actually. I went for the fast lane because I thought, Oh yeah, my breaststroke is, you know, a decent pace, and I was in there for about 10 minutes and I was keeping up with other swimmers. In fact, I was faster than some other breaststrokers- some other people who were doing breaststroke. But this guy, this arrogant guy, I want to say a ruder word that's quite rude, but shouldn't, should I?

Charlie:
You can if you want,

Harry:
Well, it's arrogant, this arsehole. He was doing front crawl and he he overtook me and he said, You know, this is the fast lane. And I was like, well I'm faster than him, another guy doing breaststroke really slow. And I was like, Well, I'm faster than the middle lane so where am I supposed to go? He carried on swimming and I was so I was relegated to the middle lane, the medium pace lane. So I went there, and sometimes there are people. If people are tired from swimming, they'll just kind of sit around at the end of the lane and they'll just they'll just sit there, get their breath back and then start swimming again.

Charlie:
That's where you'll see me.

Harry:
Yeah, yeah. And I sometimes do that as well. I have a little break. Sometimes they even have a little meditation and change this nice old man. And I thought, Yeah, nice little conversation. He's probably a bit lonely. And we had a chat. We had several chats because, you know, we both were having quite a lot of breaks. And then after

Charlie:
I was just going to ask, so you, you would stop at one end, you would rest, you would have a chat and then you would go again and you'd have a lap or a length sorry you'd do a length and then you'd stop at the other side of the swimming pool and you'd have another chat.

Harry:
No, not every time.

Charlie:
And you repeated this.

Harry:
No. I'd maybe swim like eight lengths, 10 lengths,

Charlie:
Ooh big boy.

Harry:
Have a little break. Yeah. Have a little break and then have a chat with whoever was there. And I was chatting with him. So after my swim, I normally swim for about an hour. I got out and I was drying myself off next to the pool with my towel. And he, this old man who I had been talking to, he came up to me. He put one leg up on this on a bench, and he was kind of drying himself and he was looking at my body a little bit too much. And he said I was like, Oh, so you like you like swimming, then he's like, Yeah, oh yeah, come several times a week. I love coming here. And then after I just get in the shower, I strip down and, you know, get completely naked and I just have a nice hot shower because it's free. Just have a nice hot free shower, really just strip down and have a nice hot shower. So it's like he was trying to sell the idea of showering to me.

Charlie:
Well, it's free and it's hot.

Harry:
Of course, it's hot and free. It's this cool. What swimming pool in England doesn't have a hot free shower? I don't want to sound like I'm not grateful for what we get, but that's quite normal here to get a hot free shower in a swimming pool. Yeah. So alarm bells started ringing and I thought, Oh,

Charlie:
Right, then right. Then you were like, He's he's into me.

Harry:
He's a pervert, right? A pervert.

Charlie:
But sorry, how old? Roughly ballpark figure?

Harry:
Oh, definitely around about 80.

Charlie:
Oh my god. Ok. I was picturing.

Harry:
I don't know.

Charlie:
I was picturing 40s. 50s.

Harry:
He was an old man. So in a way it was, you know, it's harmless. If it's an old man, I'm not scared. I'm just a bit creeped out. But then I thought, maybe just, you know, it's just old. Maybe he's got a bit of a lingering gaze and it's unintentional. Maybe he's not a pervert. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. So I went to the shower, I looked around, he wasn't there, I was happy to see.

Charlie:
I held his hand and walked to the shower.

Harry:
Yeah, he wasn't there. So I went and got in the shower, started washing myself, rinsing myself down, got out and there he was stark naked standing. Yeah, he was. He was drying himself off. He was taking ages. He was drying his neck for about 10 minutes. Like your neck is definitely dry now.

Charlie:
With everything, with- letting everything hang out whilst he's drying his neck.

Harry:
Everything hanging out. Yeah. So I got out. I was next to him, but I tried to keep my distance and he started looking at my feet and he said, Well, what size feet are you? They're big feet

Charlie:
Major alarm bells

Harry:
There. Yeah, I know. Yeah. And I said, Yeah, they're size 11, you know, they are big feet. Let's be good for swimming.

Charlie:
I want to announce something to the audience. I'd like you guys to write in. If you don't have or you do have the same assumption we have as big feet equals big penis.

Harry:
Hmm.

Charlie:
We have a joke about it. Don't we like, you know. You know, you know what it means. They've got big shoes or big socks. But we all mean we all know that it means he might have a big penis. We haven't. I think it's probably a myth or we don't know that it's true.

Harry:
I can confirm it's definitely a myth.

Charlie:
I can, too, because I've got size six feet.

Harry:
Yeah, and yours is massive. Yeah. So I I just I just started getting getting dressed. I thought, I need to get out of- out of here, get out of dodge. And he put his leg up on the bench again, as he had done previously. But he was completely naked, right? And he did that thing that people do in films. He put the towel between his legs and he started drying his arse. He's an arsehole and he's bollocks. His goolies. Yeah, everything.

Charlie:
Wow. What I would have called flossing before that new dance technique came out.

Harry:
Exactly. He was flossing. Yeah, like like you do with your teeth, with the dental floss. Yeah, they was doing that with his arse. And oh, and he had eye contact with me the whole time.

Charlie:
Oh my god.

Harry:
Disgusting.

Charlie:
Is there a happy ending to this? Not that happy ending, but

Harry:
Just no, not like you get in a Thai Massage parlour. But it was-

Charlie:
Not all Thai Massage parlours.

Harry:
Not all Thai massage parlours, no. Just the ones that I went to. No, I'm joking. No. Yeah, it was OK. I got out of there. He didn't touch me or anything, but the next time I went swimming, I went to the showers. He wasn't there. Glad he wasn't. And I was looking around for a shower. They were all taken, but there was a disabled one that was that was open and there was no one in there. I thought, Wow, I've won the lottery here, but a nice big shower, a little seat to sit on. I was like, why is no one in here? I walked in and there was a turd, this big, you know, maybe like-.

Charlie:
Yay big

Harry:
a 10 inch turd on the floor. Massive shit. So someone had done a poo. And so, yeah, I didn't shower that day.

Charlie:
You don't think it was the pervert, do you?

Harry:
I don't think it was a pervert. No. There was an old guy getting changed, putting his clothes on when I was in there and I was-.

Charlie:
Did he looked satisfied?

Harry:
It could have been him. Yeah, he looked pretty pleased with himself. Yeah. But don't know. Don't know if it was him. But yeah, I went to the pool, got the lifeguard and I said, Hey, someone's left a gigantic turd in the in the showers. And he said, Not another one.

Charlie:
Did he really?

Harry:
Yeah, because he said, Oh, that's the third this week or something.

Charlie:
Oh, my goodness me. So we're not going to, you know, sponsor this podcast with the local swimming pool anytime soon in Bedford.

Harry:
I don't- Yeah. Don't think you should. Although, yeah, that's the main things that have happened there. Oh, but I forgot to mention on the day so that that guy was a bit pervy before I realised he was a pervert. I was-

Charlie:
I sucked him off

Harry:
I was resting at the end of the lane, as I do. And there was a woman doing backstroke, right? So she was swimming on her back towards me and this guy, this old man, was swimming front crawl just in front of her feet. So he was looking down at her. He was he was probably about this close to her and he was looking at her vagina.

Charlie:
Oh my god, oh no.

Harry:
And I found it absolutely hilarious in the moment because I thought, oh, it's an old man, he's just swimming, but it's like he's looking right at this old woman. But now that I reflect on it I think it was probably on purpose.

Charlie:
Oh, dear. So he's a dirty little man

Harry:
It was such a funny image though that. Her swimming on her back, him on his front, like right between her legs.

Charlie:
That's pretty dangerous, though. Couldn't he get kicked in the head quite easily?

Harry:
I think he was willing- That was a risk he was willing to take.

Charlie:
Oh dear. Don't get alarmed. Don't think that every swimming pool in the UK has a local pervert. I can't confirm that that isn't true, but I can't confirm that that is true either.

Harry:
No, I think it's probably a place that does attract perverts, but on the whole, I think you can assume that people are good and they're not going to touch you up. But do be careful

Charlie:
To be careful. Yeah, yeah. But now you know your place in terms of the lane, which lane you're going to stick to

Harry:
Always on a middle lane man, always middle lane. Yeah, I stick to Middle Lane. I know where I am there.

Charlie:
There you go. Ok, well, thank you very much for that. That quick little catch up story. Guys, that's a that's a typical story that someone will tell you in the pub. So I hope you enjoyed that. Got some vocabulary loads of phrases in that one. So, yeah, we're going to leave that bitesize episode there. Don't forget to grab the free worksheet for some of the vocabulary. And if you want the transcripts, the full extended glossaries and flashcards, then you'll check out the The Premium podcast over on the British English podcast. But thank you very much, Harry.

Harry:
Thank you.

Charlie:
All right. See you guys. See you guys soon. Have a good one.

Harry:
Bye bye.

Charlie:
We will leave it there for today, thank you very much for joining me for this bitesize episode. Remember to check out the free worksheet for this episode, including some of the intermediate to advanced phrases. If you wanted to get the transcript and the extended glossary, then you'll want to sign up to the Premium podcast and we also have the academy for those who want to really level up their English as fast as possible with me. So for all of that and to learn more. Head over to the British English podcast Dot Com. My name is Charlie Baxter. Thanks for tuning in and I will see you next time on the British English podcast.

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Podcast host: Charlie:
This will be quite a bit harder for you to understand, as there are a number of accents in the conversation, some poorly delivered at times, as you will notice.

Podcast host: Charlie:
But the aim is to give you a variety of dialects in one conversation and some dialogue to give you native expressions in context. So enter, if you will, to Charlie's pub and his imaginary world.

Character: Mike:
Alright geezer, how's it going?

Character: Chris:
Yes, I'm well thanks. How about you? Have you had a good day?

Character: Mike:
Can't say good mate. No my old man he's been giving me a right old earful for what happened on site last week.

Character: Chris:
Oh that's a pity. Are you back on your dad's building project again?

Character: Mike:
Sad to say mate, but yeah, I am. Couldn't resist this one though. Cash in hand, you know.

Character: Chris:
Oh fair play, hard to resist those I imagine. Oh, here she is.

Character: Emily:
Oh, hi.

Character: Chris:
I was wondering if you're ever going to join us tonight.

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